where I stood

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think, I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I, I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

Read more: Missy Higgins - Where I Stood Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

if you think you can

if you think you can be something that I am not....if you think you can offer something I dont.  let me tell you his story that I wrote.   Im here and im not going anywhere.  I listen.   I know him.  the past, the present and the lack of future and I stay. i stay because no amount of security could match the loss and guilt in his heart if I left.   i know why he cries.  he cries because I know every part of him.  I know the parts that no one else knows.  I know the asshole.  the bastard.  the snob.  the ego maniac.  the filthy proprietor of empty words scrambled down onto black keys in the late night to soothe and satisfy his urge to prove that he can still swoon and settle a score in a nameless, faceless and meaningless depths of a woman.   He is the most insecure being on the planet that walks with a lie.  that lie personifies a cool, trendy, romantic confidence.  He is a scared young boy in an old body begging to just cave in and surrender.  He hands me his fears, his tears, his broken soul hoping I dont drop it to the floor when i see shinier objects in my path, but to cradle it and heal it until it shines again.  He begs for me to see him.  Pleads for me to surrender.  Slices his heart open for me to understand his existence.  And all the while, as he cries and begs and pleads, he knows deep in his soul that I am her.  I am the other half of the free spirited warrior.  I am the one that will never leave.  i will never abandon him.  Though I am resistant to the ego, my soul serves only him.  He knows this in his depths.  He knows i worship his very breath.  We ebb and flow into our own death and rebirth every night.  It is a dance that only him and I can do.  It is our dance.  we are a spiral flame.  electricity.  lightning striking the cool ocean and dancing on the surface.  beautiful and dangerous.  We were cast into each others mold and forged with each others passion of humanity lifetimes ago.  We will die for it, hence we will die for each other.  time and time again.  so if you think you can love him more than I do.....

Haunt

battling demons.  never fun.  spent the evening reading old emails from an ex.  THE EX....the one that crashed my world down years ago.  still...battling....its crazy how one person, no matter how many years have passed by (8 years to be exact) can ignite such heartbreak in a current situation.  some things are instilled so deep that just the mere mention of words, a sentence, an excuse or line that a current lover uses as well, can bring it all back.  Today I was told "i dont think you will ever TRUST me or any man" i resist that statement, but i cant help but wonder if there is truth to it.  I cant help but feel sad for my own heart at the thought that what if this is in fact true.  what if I am so damaged, so broken from so many lies and devestation that rocked my world to the core, sent me into a downward spiral, and made me runaway for months without even contacting a soul to let them know I was alive, what if it never leaves my side.  how do you stop this pattern.  I think its all gone, and then there it is again.  my heart jumped out of my body today.  a situation that was a daily occurence in that relationship many many moons ago, happened today.  every single lie, excuse and haunt festered inside my soul and exploded as if it was yesterday.  it was years ago.  I was so mad.  it was like "he" the bastard was standing in front of me again, spewing the same bullshit that I believed for years.  except this time I automatically didnt believe because I automatically timewarped back to 8+ years ago.  STILL....FUCK....i consulted with a friend back home, what do i do.  she told me I need to be in front of him and get it all out.  I honestly feared even the thought.  I would hit him with a car.  I would reverse and do it twice.  I have a folder full of emails from this bastard, ( i have them forwarded because I refuse to read them)  he is still sending them.  apologizing for everything he did to me.  I dont think there will ever be an apology big enough, deep enough or sincere enough for me not to want to grab a baseball bat and hit him or burn down his house that still displays every piece of artwork that I exhibited that he took.  Its not that im just mad at him for what he did in the past.  im still mad at him for what goes on in my head every day in my present.  that I punish another soul for his wrong doings.  I want to beat him for what my current lover goes through because of him.  I want to pull out my brain and cut out the memory of those years.  I want to find the time machine and go back and I want to keep walking the other way when he walked by me and handed me that fucking rose when i was a beautiful young woman walking down that street to the bar.  full of light and happiness.  full of color.  a gypsy soul.  the same gypsy that the bastard has tattooed on his arm with my name "estrella" under it with a star with my favorite colors in it.  every time i see that picture of me, that he took that I loved so much, i want to throw up.  I pray that his arm falls off so he can never see my face again.  boxes of letters and poems still haunt me.  music written for me, artwork on peoples walls of my body.  I just want to be normal.  no complications.  i am my own worse enemy...i know this

Cry

Today I just need to cry.  Im tired.  Everything is a disaster.  I do want to give up.  im one of those people.  when my soul is hurting, i just go away.  i dont like the attention, because i dont want to talk about it...to people.  i live such a pretend life to everyone i know these days.  its my job.  smile and look pretty.  im such a wreck inside that im pretty sure i would get sent away if anyone knew.  i cry alot.  when nobody is looking.  mostly in the shower.  its the only place i can be alone.  willow seems to be the only one that knows when ive been crying.  she will come sit behind me and put her hands on my back as if she is doing reiki or something.  I dont know what to make of it except that she is doing whatever feels natural to her as a way to console me.  but yet she has never seen me cry.  she just knows.  she is special.  i dont just say that bc she is mine.  people notice it.  i feel bad for her.  she has her mamas curse.  knowing things has never been easy.  to be honest, it sucks.  i wish i didnt.  i wish i was normal and could be blind to peoples deeds.  i wish i was like other girls that just wonder aimlessly in life, blissful and ignorant.  i wish magick wasnt in my veins so that i could be powerless with my own thoughts and feelings. only people that have no power feel that powerful thoughts and feelings are good.  they have to work towards it.   just to be normal would be serene.  staying silent is hard.  only the closest ones know.  i can name them on one hand.  My one friend thinks its a gift.  i tell her its not a gift.  MOST things, i dont want to know. but i cant stop it.  this is why i feel bad for Willow.  with the sweet comes the sour.  there is more sour.  and sometimes even the sweet turns into sour or sadness.  for example.  seeing a couple, her heart is madly in love with him, she blatently doesnt show it, acts cool calm and collected (most people probably think she is a bitch) but her heart is so pure to him.  explodes inside.  that is a happy sweet thing to know right!! wrong....he just cheated on her.  his hands are sweating and he keeps picking at a thread on his jeans bc he just left her and is nervous someone that saw him with her is going to now see him with his girlfriend.  when she finds out ( bc she will) most people will feel she deserves it.  but what they dont know is the death she will silently die a thousand times inside her.  nobody will ever know.  but me.  I get to know the truths.  this is why i came to the mountains, to escape to nature. its why i have always preferred living out in the middle of nowhere.  silence is divine.  not constantly experiencing (mentally) peoples "shit"  is like being able to breathe.  knowing too much in my relationships with people has become overwhelming.  when i have had boyfriends i have tried to make it like a game (its my way of coping) 'lets see how long he can keep this lie up'  'does he think i cant smell that'  'hahahahaha, that girl is NOT going to EVER do that with you'  'he really thinks i believe that he was in a meeting, then running errands, lets see how grand the lie is about the meeting' ....it has become a game for me.  my favorite is when they ask me why Im so silent. i cant believe what has just come out of someones mouth verses what really took place.   i just need a break. 

When

 Im still wondering "when"  When is it the time?  When are we allowed to have the happy ending?  When does the rollercoaster stop?  When am I allowed to be the one...to you?   when will this be enough.  when.  Im ready to go home.  wherever home may be.  hoping home will be wherever you are.  Ive hoped and prayed.  prayed to every God known.  begged for the silence to end.  waiting...patiently.   hoping its you.  wanting...it to be you.  Wanting this spell to end.  Missing the touch.  The kiss.  your exhale in my mouth, traveling to my bones and the fibers that make up my soul.  The sweet madness that makes up the spiral dance we knew.  When will it end and when will it begin.  This paradise circus~

late bliss

Its late, the rain is falling and i have fallen.  Reminiscing about the past years and the past few months...Life is....life.  Smiling gently when I think back on my past.  Discovering how I have finally come full circle on a past love.  A love that once upon a time shattered my very existence.  I am here now.  Divinely spinning like a wind chime under a flame.  brilliant and beautifully glowing from the hot wind spiraling below me.  I am not on fire and burning, but I am enjoying the heat.  Once before my soul thought it would never again experience the passion of a man of beautiful meaning and words.  A man that could make my soul fly with his missions and desires.  a soul that shines in bright colors.  a kiss that makes me unravel.  a feeling that unleashes the colors inside of me that i had long since forgotten.  I am awakened.  again.  

The Hedge Witch

I have been asked by many about my beliefs and my practice as a "witch" I am usually pretty secretive about them for a couple reasons. 1. I dont like to be defined.  Period.  I have always had a problem with label, titles, roles etc.  2.  I do not live in Ego.  although I am human and it is impossible to be without ego, i try my best not to allow it to consume me. 

 Over the years I have been asked by many to teach them.  I dont do this.  I am not a teacher.  I am a student for my entire life.  I will not stop learning until the day I leave this existence and I hope even beyond, I am still learning.  I will guide, advise, gather, help resolve, fix, repair, cast away, protect, give, share, stand by your side, show you the signs when they appear, grow, harvest, birth, bury, sacrifice, blood-let, bind and many many other acts of divination of the craft with believers.  But I do not crown myself a teacher by any means.  

What is a teacher anyways?  Someone that has gone to some fancy (expensive) school where someone who is supposedly qualified to show them the ropes? I do not believe in this nonsense.  You can not go to school to become certain things.  You either are or you arent.  it is in your soul or it is not.  Especially in terms of Magick.  I was not taught to be a witch.  I was born a witch.  I did not choose this path.  It chose me. Yes I have communed with other witches in the past.  Yes I have been part of a coven and yes I still commune with other witches to this day.  Commune is the key word.  We learn from each other.  we take what sparks in our soul and we gather these tidbits of information we pick up along the path and create our own stew of faith.  This is the way of the HedgeWitch.  

We are called by many names.  HedgeWitch, HedgeWalker, HedgeMystic, GreenWitch and Natural Witch.  Walkers of this path are very free spirits.  We do not follow rules, yet we have explicit morals, traditions, values and belief in the God and Goddess.  Most of this path follow a Shamanistic path.  We are walkers between the worlds as the term "Hedge" suggests.  Traditionally and historically throughout the world most villages were protected by a wall or hedge, tree line or man made structure of some sort.  The "enlightened one" usually lived just beyond that line.  They needed to be near the village, yet removed and somewhat isolated in order to commune with nature.  In our path nature is everything. We learn most of everything from word of mouth that has been passed down through others and communing DEEPLY with nature.  A Hedge Witch will learn most of her "work" through much time spent in solitude or with a small group of other witches in forests, woods, jungles, mountains, deserts etc.  We are deeply connected with animals and "signs"  We walk both worlds.  this is not something that can be learned.  You either possess this ability or you do not.  We are not psychics, although some do possess that ability, it is simply something that is in our soul.  We simply know these things.  Our spirit is connected with the ground and everything that comes from it.  

Hedge Walkers are outcasts even among other pagan paths, bc of their complete defiance in not being "followers" they are extreme free thinkers and will only accept something that speaks to their spirit.  In our spellcraft many of us do not use the common tools that other pagans or wiccans will use.  we do not buy our supplies.  everything comes from the earth we tread on and we return favors  or "trinkets" when we harvest.  we trade with other walkers and only in cases of not being able to find something we need will we then seek out to purchase supplies, but even in those cases hedgewalkers are extremely practical and will often find another item to substitute, or will try to create their own.  The reason for this is our desire for simplicity.  We crave living in sync with mother nature as much as possible.  We create our own staffs, athames, chalices etc.  

We are often seen as mysterious yet in full view.  this is also a skill that can not be learned.  36 years into this journey and i still have a hard time describing to people when i am told this, why it is they perceive me this way.  I have a very vague answer, so far (as would be true to my charater) I am full in my heart, meaning I am passionate about everything I do, believe in, love, and exist with.  Yet in order to continue to be that person, I must be able to sit still and in silence at times to observe the beauty that surrounds me.  My soul will only then connect with every breath surrounding me whether it be that of a person, animal, tree, waterfall or river.  My silence allows me to feel with my mind. And even in that description, only another walker between the worlds will understand this.  Hence the mysterious creatures we are coined as.  The clinical world likes to label us as "introverts" but quite the contrary, we are usually not self centered, we are simply connecting when we are silent.  When I sit with another soul, and let them talk and i sit silently and listen with not much to say, in my world something else is happening.  My soul is reaching into the other soul through their thoughts and words and we are dancing spiritually and linguistically.  We are connecting on a soul level through shared breathe and vibration of sound frequencies that my mind understands and speaks this rare silent language fluently.  Some view this as a very basic and primitive form of telepathic communication, that was in existence before language.  Others view it as an advanced form of soul communication that most humans have not "tapped into" yet.  Whichever way it is.  This is the language we speak.  We are natural healers bc we are open channels of energy.  our ability to seek within gives us the open spirit (heart) to allow a person to heal.  often just being in a walkers presence is "healing"  we do this without even knowing we are doing it most of the time.  when people tell me " I feel better after I talk to you"  my answer to that is this, when you are talking my soul is holding your heart and surrounding it with light and telling you everything is fine, you are beautiful and you are love.  It is that simple.  When you feel this in another person, you are in the presence of the Mystic of Nature, The Walker of the Hedgewall, and the Greenwitch.  You are safe ~