Lost in all that is Found

There are days when everything in your existence aches.  Every thought, touch, memory, smell, taste.  Not in a sadness, but in a longing.  When what your soul craves stands on the other side of a veil. You can see it, feel it, smell it and almost hold it.  Yet this thin reality flows  between 2 worlds, bringing a haunting visceral fire of want vs need.  An antagonizing torment of knowing vs wishing. When your mind knows better, but your heart spins recklessly and your soul soars overhead watching the battle unleash between the "want vs need" only the soul knows which beast it will swoop down upon and consume into this paradise circus. 

At some point you recognize and accept who you are deep in the chambers that we lock ourselves up in.  Once in a lifetime someone comes along that forces you out of that chamber.  They speak the story you wrote...they dont even know it.  There are nites I go back over and read the past 20 yrs of my life.  The intoxicated rantings over loss, the muses of 3 a.m. desire and need.  the memories of razor blades dripping with heartache, empty bottles of wine and whiskey shattering with screams.  standing on the edge watching below while your mind is floating in the ethers of substance abuse.  I remember an instance where i stood dangling onto the edge of a bridge in Port Everglades, hanging on behind me to cables.  My hair was long then.  Wild.  I remember the feeling of the ocean air whipping my hair.  I sat there for 2 hours experiencing every twist and turn of my "high" laughing and wondering if that was what love felt like.  I was so free then.  Dancing carelessly under those grafitti bridges in the middle of the nite.  Carelessly floating in complete bliss through taboos.  Experiencing things in life that people look down on.  Being free.  I laughed, i sang, i made love like a temptress, i played with fire, i was fire.  I made art, i wrote.  I wrote messages all over my city under those bridges.  My musings of desire and passion and what i wanted love to be.  I broke into abandoned buildings and painted swirls of stars all over walls.  I was me.  Unfiltered.  Uncensored.  I made no apologizies.  I didnt have to.  I was accepted. "Love" found me.  I ran.  I ran like violent wind ripping through trees.  I eventually gave way to allowing.  I was the queen of our obscure world.  The beautiful Muse.  Déesse Noire.  Handed everything on bended knee and bowed head.  we worshipped into the night.  Soared into the stars.  Then...i was cast from my own heaven.  forced to walk into hell and face truths.  Truths that were spoken to me like a foreign language.  Unthinkable betrayal discovered.  It was too hard for me to accept what had come to the surface.  So i became numb.  i went deep.  hid in those chambers in the darkness of my nite.  Lamenting my loss of forever...

Many years have passed since those days. Numbness has become longing.  To my surprise my fires grew stronger.  The feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the nite like a ghost in your room, telling you to run free again under the moonlight.  Soar again to the stars, make love again like a wild animal, dance, celebrate your body, soul, and senses.  find your passion, become your art, experience the substance, write your soul. Allow. Again~