Searching

As I enter into my late 30s, approaching the menacing "4s"  I am finding myself in this place of "searching"  I still havent figured out exactly what all this searching is about.  I just know i am in this space.  Some days are better than others.  I dont "feel" my age at all.  I still feel like Im 25.  This comes with pros and cons.  The pros are that I have more wisdom than I did back then.  The cons are that I have more wisdom than back then! There are days when I wish I hadn't experienced the typical pangs and heartaches that life has thrown at me, yet I feel blessed and honored that I have had the opportunities that life has bestowed upon me.  Without these "downfalls" i wouldnt be the person i have morphed into.  Yet Im still looking for that "delete" button on life.  I am quite honest and there are a few situations that I would love to just CTRL> ALT>DELETE on.  I wish I didnt know what sweet love can feel like.  At times the longing to experience that again with a kindred spirit, where words are not necessary to understand that somewhere along the twisted line we walk side by side, ebbing and flowing into this renegade journey of change and "making" the world a better place.  More so, causing fire in people to change and fight for what is right in humanity.  I have discovered with my travels and from holding community with people of other nations, that life here in the states really isnt so bad. Yet we continually complain about all we lack.  Truth be told we dont really lack anything in this country.  we are so blessed beyond our perception of what life should be that we get caught up in this make believe fairytale existence.   We are so blessed we dont even know it.  If we do indeed 'Lack' in this country, the only thing lacking is in our ability to look at real issues.  We lack here in community.  we dont gather anymore.  we dont know our neighbors.  we dont take time to say hello to strangers anymore.  we dont speak our minds.  we dont help each other.  we are too busy Facebooking about trivial word vomit.  too concerned with whats going on in celebrity news that we forget about what is going on in the world surrounding us and even closer, we dont take the time to understand the separation going on in our own communities and neighborhoods.  Why is it if you are friendly in your town or city, people think you are crazy or want something.  How have we become so distant from each other? when did this take place?  when did simple gestures, like saying "hello" to a passing stranger become strange?  who made up this 'new' rule.  Why cant we just be?  Why cant we just accept each other, care about what happens and vow to help each other out when the shit starts going down?  How do we avoid becoming so jaded, when there is so much that is beautiful surrounding us and so much that is worth everything. 

Even in my own misconstrued rants about my lack of love and communion with another kindred soul, i am starting to realize that its all a bunch of BS.  Why cant I just be happy and exist in this paradise without feeling emotionally insignificant.  Why do i allow that pain that comes haunting me when the world is quiet to affect me so much.  Why do i have this longing and sadness when in a "moment" that I wish someone was there to experience that feeling with me?  even with this knowledge I still struggle in this battle of life and love to find and experience that soul.  To walk all those final miles with someone that can just be there.  No expectations, we just exist to each other in such a profound way that words are not needed to understand.  we just flow on this wave of existence into whatever awaits at the end or beginning~