Numb

Tonite is one of those nites.  One of those raw moments of Jenn.  I have these from time to time.  I use to just paint when I had these moments, but as of late, with all the stress all motivation for art has gone by the wayside.  I was in Asheville and when it was time to head home I was gonna take the alternate route across the mountains instead of around them via highway.  I was going to try to see someone also, but then figured it would probably be an effort made in vain so i went against my gut and took the highway and proceeded to sit in traffic forever.  now i know when i leave downtown asheville at that time ALWAYS take the alternate route.  it may be a few miles longer and maybe take a few minutes longer, but the scenery through the mountains I love sure beat being stuck behind 18 wheelers on the highway....so i came home and opened my last bottle of my new favorite wine a sweet red called "cherry on top"  and who knows when I will be able to buy another bottle.  I was still employed when I bought every bottle that Ingles had! so that sucked.  then i sit down, cant read bc im stressed and I cant focus.  dont like hiking in the dark unless im with someone, especially around here bc we have bobcats and coyotes and they are aggressive. So i put on the TV.  pbs isnt so bad oh except tonite its about the holidays.   by this point im on glass 2 of vino....fucking waterworks....i love this time of year.  its always been my favorite.  i love autumn and i love winter. I love being with friends and loved ones during this time of year.  Im all about cooking for people and spending time together and having good times, bonfires when its cold outside, getting snowed in with awesome company and lots of alcohol.  Last year was horrible for me around this time.  I was so pregnant and going threw the stress of my relationship ending and just trying to stay positive for my baby that was due at anytime.  and now its here again.  this time with a completely new reality.  My baby girls first Samhain and Yule and her first bday shortly after.  Even though I knew this was going to happen,  i never could have imagined how it was going to affect me.  and before I know it, she will be talking and asking questions. Wondering why she doesnt have a dad around.  What if she doesnt have that positive male role model in her life. am i setting her up for a lifetime of disaster and feeling abandoned?   I remember when i was a little girl.  my dad was my hero.  i followed him around and tried to do everything he did.  In my eyes there was nothing he couldnt do.  I remember always feeling safe and secure bc my dad could fix anything and make anything happen.  the thought that she may not grow up with someone like that to look up to, makes my heart shatter.  All these firsts....who doesnt want to see a baby take its first steps or say their first word or dress up for their first halloween and their eyes on christmas morning.  why would anybody want to miss these moments.  Im  just wishing under this moon that she will be ok.  that it will all work out.  

about a month or so ago i blogged about the thought of not having more babies. I never thought i would have a baby.  ever.  i gave up the dream of that years ago, having a string of partners that never wanted kids for more than 10 yrs of my life, i dove head first into carreer and everything else.  and then it happened.  I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  When Willow came my whole world changed.  I cant believe i had my first baby at 35.  the thought of that boggles my mind.  and now the thought of not having more takes me to a place that i cant even put words to.  there are no words that can describe the moment a child is born.  it is like an internal calling from the earth herself.  its sacred beyond all that is sacred. I dont like the thought that I wont experience that again.  I dont like the thought that I wont give someone the gift of a child.  Making a person is amazing! Its not just a baby.  Its a soul, thats part you and part another soul.   I still dont understand it.  My head cant wrap around that much beauty.  When 2 souls come together and make another soul that will go into the world and offer whats inside them to make the world a better place.  Sacred isnt a good enough description for it... and these are the musings in my mind tonite~