Clarity

Today I decided to spend some time on my side of the mountain. Took a detour to my little hidden mountaintop lake that I havent seen in a while.  I always forget how peaceful it is there until im sitting on that dock.  It always makes me feel comfortable. Its in the middle of nowhere so I always feel safe that Im not gonna run into anybody.  Nobody knows where it is.  Its not like its this private lake that Im trespassing to get to.  Its public, its actually a marina, its just tucked way into the mountains no access to major roads or highways, just miles of 2 lane mountain roads to get there.  I love it.  I always feel better the deeper into the mountains I go.  Most importantly is its just this safe spot for me.  I know I can come here to be me.  Ive never revealed the location to anybody and considering Im going to be going there with someone the next time I go, is giving me this strange yet peaceful feeling.  Strange part of opening that part of me up to someone else is that nobody else knows about it that I know.  Nobody knows I go there.  Its like a being a kid and having this really good hiding spot that nobody can ever find you when you go there.  The peaceful part of it, well I havent quite figured that out yet.  I have no idea how a person that I dont know can make me feel at ease and peaceful.  So fucking weird....

 There wasnt a single soul there today.  just me :) I laid there for a good while just looking up at the clouds thinking about everything that has been swirling around me.  Trying to figure all this shit out is exhausting.  I want to do so much.  Im so sick of my career.  I have been doing this for so long because its always been such good money, that I dont even know where or how to start again.  i really dont want to go back to school.  i love learning, but being a single mom with no other means of support is really a fucking pain in the ass.  Im so sick of hearing other moms tell me they did it and I can do it.  I dont know a single one of my single mom friends that doesnt get some sort of financial support from babies dads, ex husbands, partners whatever you want to call the DNA donors....I am my daughters parentS.  not just mom, I am both.  emotionally and financially.  Actually for the past 6 years of my life I was both.  I was a parent before I ever gave birth.  however that is neither here nor there and is my own damn fault.  Cant blame anybody for that stupid shit.   

I am thinking about the RN midwife program.  I love birth and would love to birth babies all day, and it would certainly give me my fix of birth that obviously is never going to happen in my life again.  I wish really deep down inside to have more babies, but lets be honest.  the time clock is ticking right along.  This is why I hate being 35... i hear it all the time from other women when they ask if i want more babies and they tell me i have plenty of time.  duh! of course I want more babies! I made the most awesome person on the earth.  I would love to make other awesome people! but single at 35 is not a favorable position for having more babies. Unless you meet someone that is on the same level and is ready to settle down and wants to be with someone that they can take things to the next level with, which never happens.  Men dont know what the fuck they want anymore.  Its like they all think they are in some exclusive club and have this vast oasis of options at their fingertips. Seriously....If people were a little more honest with themselves and took 5 minutes to really see a person and who they are inside instead of what they think others will think, we would see alot more awesome love connections.  There are some amazing people out there, if others just took the time to know them, the world would be a different place.

  In my perfect world, prince fucking charming would swoop me up and fall head over heels, and want babies, and not like 10 yrs from now.  but yeah, prince fucking charming does not exist.  despite all of the BS that I am constantly (still to this day) being fed by other misinformed women, that shit is NOT real.   Prince charming, a myth...we are all fucked up, been done wrong, jaded, and whatever other level of fucked up-ness you would like to be categorized into. About all you can hope for is that you find someone as equally as fucked up as you are and still thinks the sun shines out of your ass and vice versa.  I love love, honestly I do.  Its pretty easy for me to fall because I have this ability in seeing the most awesome things in people.  all people.  I fall in love with everyone.  Its part of who I am.  I wouldnt change it for anything. I am a hopeless optimist.  I always want to see the good in people.  Even when they are bad.  I always manage to find that little patch of sparkle on them.  It is my strong point and my weak point all in one.  It bites me in the ass quite frequently, but it is still who I am.  I tried to be the angry pessimist for a long time.  It just wasnt for me.  Right now I just want to find someone as compassionate about life (in general) as I am.  Notice I said compassionate and not passionate.  Although passion is always good, but Im a taurus and that is a given, we are natural lovers, seducers, temptress etc.  dont hate, we were born that way. I want compassion for my happy ending.  Im so strong about the planet, humanity, nature, animals etc.  I need someone to have those qualities.  its not a want, its a need.  I need someone that gives a damn.  There needs to be a respect and love for nature and what the fuck is happening in this world.  People need to care.  I cant be with someone that wants to just slip into the convenient lifestyle of putting on blinders and riding through life on auto pilot.  Yes, it is nice to have normalcy, but there needs to be more.  I like normal.  I like to get up every morning and make coffee, and I like to go sit on my porch with a view and sip my coffee and be in awe of all the nature around me.  i want someone there to do that with.  Yes, I like to have friends over for dinner and drinks, that happen to be a bunch of badasses and are just as crazy about changing the world as me and my other half are.  I like to invite people over and have way too much wine, beer or any other combination of alcohol, and usually shit gets crazy and someone ends up naked or having sex in the front yard, bathroom, a neighbors pool, a pond, in the bushes, behind a tree and sometimes its me! but that is another blog altogether to get those dirty little secrets.  The point is that I like to mix normalcy in with crazy and a humanitarian spirit.  Its just how I roll.  I need someone that is a peaceful, caring, ecofriendly billy badass.  I dont think it really exists, but Im gonna find out!