Happy Birthday to you John

Today would have been the 72nd birthday of the beautiful John Winston Lennon.  I wonder what he would think if he was here today.  I remember when they announced he died and my mom laying down on the couch and crying herself to sleep. I didnt understand why she was so upset. Years later I do.  We always had Beatles Sunday growing up in my house for as long as I can remember and to honor him, I still do.  30 years after his death and I still have Beatles sunday, which usually consists of cooking and playing John Lennon/Paul McCartney/Beatles music for a good part of the day. What a tragedy and loss in our ever failing society. 

 In trying to always stay positive I would like to think he would be proud of what is happening with people trying so hard to regain connection with each other, but the realist in me thinks how heartbroken and pained he would be by seeing how much weve distanced ourselves from one another in the first place.  The world is such a different place now.  It was changing back then too, but i wonder if he ever imagined we would go this far down.  It makes me sad for humanity.  Sad for all that we can accomplish and all that we have in our hearts and souls, yet our inability to live by it.  I struggle most days to pinpoint where it all changed.  Probably before I was born, I always feel out of place because of that.  Like im trapped in this other place.  Im sure im not the only one that feels this way.  Being a healer, I know why Im here and I know why humanity is spinning out of control.  Its all part of rebirth. People must loose everything because we have forgotten what true love is.  Love for each other.  We forgot that the most important possession to have is not a physical possession at all.  Its to understand and possess whats in your heart and soul.  Accepting each other.  Why do we feel like we need to impress each other by changing what we are.  Why cant we just "be"? Some may think I feel this way because Im not one of "the beautiful ones" and thats true.  Not being part of current societies view and ideals of what "beautiful" is has always made me dig deeper.  It immersed me into a world of not seeing that vanity.  It gave me the opportunity to "see" people.  not just view them.  The positive part of all of that is that I have been so lucky to meet the real beautiful people afterall! Through some sort of divine intervention that I still dont understand how it happens that way, I always meet and come into contact with the most beautiful souls.  Today I am grateful for that and will continue to Imagine all the people.  Thank You John Lennon for everything you are. still~

cold and lonely

Its so cold out tonite.  our first really cold couple of nites that weve had here in the mountains.  The cold makes me sappy and lonely this time around.  I love this time of year for the fires and good home cooked meals, reading good books, writing and cuddling to keep warm.  Not so great when there is nobody to feel that way with.  I dont understand alot of things anymore.  I really want to put myself out there, because i know that is how you are suppose to work this relationship/dating crap.  had a long chat with one of my bestfriends here today.  her and I have always been kindred spirits.  both of us are so alien to the way dating works nowadays.  one thing that age gives you is this constant nagging of who you are.  its a blessing and an emotional beating as well.  I know who I am.  I know what works for me and what doesnt.  I dont believe in this crap of dating multiple people for months on end and figuring out if you want to take that chance with someone.   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do believe in immediate love.  I think at some point in your life if you dont know what you want you never will.  i mean i know exactly what i want and what i dont want and what person is worth compromising for and who i would not want to with.  Im such a risk taker with my heart and love.  I think falling head over heels is the most amazing feeling ever.  that feeling of spinning and laughing and your heart being happy is worth the heartbreak if it doesnt work.  Who cares if it doesnt work in the end.  who cares if you get hurt.  humans are so stupid, as if we actually have some sort of control over our emotions, especially of the heart.  Like we can control a person hurting us.  we have no control over someone else.  all you can do is open up, fall and hope for the best.  that is all you can ever do.  no matter how perfect or fucked up a person is.  I love when people are like, "I really like this person alot, but im scared they are gonna hurt me, so im gonna slow down"  REALLY???? a little psychology and common sense to throw in there people.  you are already caught! if you really like them, you might as well jump.  if you dont you are setting yourself up for a worse heartache then that person could probably ever give you.  the only thing worse than feeling the hurt from heartbreak, is not feeling the joy from love.  the reason i say that its worse is because when we dont allow ourselves to be free and experience love and hapiness we set ourselves up for failure.  the real failure is not allowing it.  I dont fail. ever.  I have had my heart broken so many times, ive lost count, more accurately i stopped counting! and for good reason, WHO CARES! that is my reason, who fricking cares! I would be a complete fool to force myself out of my own heart.  heres to 35 years of jumping off cliffs into endless rivers of joy and heartbreaks.  and falling forever and ever...

lyrics by one of my favorite lyrical songstress...Ani DiFranco

                                             "Falling Is Like This"

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

New Orleans Crescent City Blues

Tonight Im missing New Orleans.  I was suppose to be on my way to the Crescent city this week, but loosing my job made that impossible.  I miss it there so much.  I love asheville and some people call it the new orleans of the mountains, and it is a very cool fun and liberal city.  but its no New Orleans.  the people are different.  in New Orleans everybody is friends.  you are welcome anywhere.  as much pain and devestation as that city has seen, it never destroyed the spirit and people.  New Orleans has always been my diversity fix.  Coming from a very culturally diverse city originally and then moving to NC where there is no diversity except different types of white people, its important for me to see culture and ethnicity. I miss the colorful life of Nola.  I am a very colorful person, so anything that is bright, flashy, glittery and pops out at you I am instantly drawn to, thats New Orleans.  I miss the art, the crazy people, the music, the bars, the spirit of the people, the lake, watching the sun rise over Pontchartrain, the food,  the voodoo, the reality of lives that our government forgot about and the resiliance of a culture. 

Clarity

Today I decided to spend some time on my side of the mountain. Took a detour to my little hidden mountaintop lake that I havent seen in a while.  I always forget how peaceful it is there until im sitting on that dock.  It always makes me feel comfortable. Its in the middle of nowhere so I always feel safe that Im not gonna run into anybody.  Nobody knows where it is.  Its not like its this private lake that Im trespassing to get to.  Its public, its actually a marina, its just tucked way into the mountains no access to major roads or highways, just miles of 2 lane mountain roads to get there.  I love it.  I always feel better the deeper into the mountains I go.  Most importantly is its just this safe spot for me.  I know I can come here to be me.  Ive never revealed the location to anybody and considering Im going to be going there with someone the next time I go, is giving me this strange yet peaceful feeling.  Strange part of opening that part of me up to someone else is that nobody else knows about it that I know.  Nobody knows I go there.  Its like a being a kid and having this really good hiding spot that nobody can ever find you when you go there.  The peaceful part of it, well I havent quite figured that out yet.  I have no idea how a person that I dont know can make me feel at ease and peaceful.  So fucking weird....

 There wasnt a single soul there today.  just me :) I laid there for a good while just looking up at the clouds thinking about everything that has been swirling around me.  Trying to figure all this shit out is exhausting.  I want to do so much.  Im so sick of my career.  I have been doing this for so long because its always been such good money, that I dont even know where or how to start again.  i really dont want to go back to school.  i love learning, but being a single mom with no other means of support is really a fucking pain in the ass.  Im so sick of hearing other moms tell me they did it and I can do it.  I dont know a single one of my single mom friends that doesnt get some sort of financial support from babies dads, ex husbands, partners whatever you want to call the DNA donors....I am my daughters parentS.  not just mom, I am both.  emotionally and financially.  Actually for the past 6 years of my life I was both.  I was a parent before I ever gave birth.  however that is neither here nor there and is my own damn fault.  Cant blame anybody for that stupid shit.   

I am thinking about the RN midwife program.  I love birth and would love to birth babies all day, and it would certainly give me my fix of birth that obviously is never going to happen in my life again.  I wish really deep down inside to have more babies, but lets be honest.  the time clock is ticking right along.  This is why I hate being 35... i hear it all the time from other women when they ask if i want more babies and they tell me i have plenty of time.  duh! of course I want more babies! I made the most awesome person on the earth.  I would love to make other awesome people! but single at 35 is not a favorable position for having more babies. Unless you meet someone that is on the same level and is ready to settle down and wants to be with someone that they can take things to the next level with, which never happens.  Men dont know what the fuck they want anymore.  Its like they all think they are in some exclusive club and have this vast oasis of options at their fingertips. Seriously....If people were a little more honest with themselves and took 5 minutes to really see a person and who they are inside instead of what they think others will think, we would see alot more awesome love connections.  There are some amazing people out there, if others just took the time to know them, the world would be a different place.

  In my perfect world, prince fucking charming would swoop me up and fall head over heels, and want babies, and not like 10 yrs from now.  but yeah, prince fucking charming does not exist.  despite all of the BS that I am constantly (still to this day) being fed by other misinformed women, that shit is NOT real.   Prince charming, a myth...we are all fucked up, been done wrong, jaded, and whatever other level of fucked up-ness you would like to be categorized into. About all you can hope for is that you find someone as equally as fucked up as you are and still thinks the sun shines out of your ass and vice versa.  I love love, honestly I do.  Its pretty easy for me to fall because I have this ability in seeing the most awesome things in people.  all people.  I fall in love with everyone.  Its part of who I am.  I wouldnt change it for anything. I am a hopeless optimist.  I always want to see the good in people.  Even when they are bad.  I always manage to find that little patch of sparkle on them.  It is my strong point and my weak point all in one.  It bites me in the ass quite frequently, but it is still who I am.  I tried to be the angry pessimist for a long time.  It just wasnt for me.  Right now I just want to find someone as compassionate about life (in general) as I am.  Notice I said compassionate and not passionate.  Although passion is always good, but Im a taurus and that is a given, we are natural lovers, seducers, temptress etc.  dont hate, we were born that way. I want compassion for my happy ending.  Im so strong about the planet, humanity, nature, animals etc.  I need someone to have those qualities.  its not a want, its a need.  I need someone that gives a damn.  There needs to be a respect and love for nature and what the fuck is happening in this world.  People need to care.  I cant be with someone that wants to just slip into the convenient lifestyle of putting on blinders and riding through life on auto pilot.  Yes, it is nice to have normalcy, but there needs to be more.  I like normal.  I like to get up every morning and make coffee, and I like to go sit on my porch with a view and sip my coffee and be in awe of all the nature around me.  i want someone there to do that with.  Yes, I like to have friends over for dinner and drinks, that happen to be a bunch of badasses and are just as crazy about changing the world as me and my other half are.  I like to invite people over and have way too much wine, beer or any other combination of alcohol, and usually shit gets crazy and someone ends up naked or having sex in the front yard, bathroom, a neighbors pool, a pond, in the bushes, behind a tree and sometimes its me! but that is another blog altogether to get those dirty little secrets.  The point is that I like to mix normalcy in with crazy and a humanitarian spirit.  Its just how I roll.  I need someone that is a peaceful, caring, ecofriendly billy badass.  I dont think it really exists, but Im gonna find out!

Numb

Tonite is one of those nites.  One of those raw moments of Jenn.  I have these from time to time.  I use to just paint when I had these moments, but as of late, with all the stress all motivation for art has gone by the wayside.  I was in Asheville and when it was time to head home I was gonna take the alternate route across the mountains instead of around them via highway.  I was going to try to see someone also, but then figured it would probably be an effort made in vain so i went against my gut and took the highway and proceeded to sit in traffic forever.  now i know when i leave downtown asheville at that time ALWAYS take the alternate route.  it may be a few miles longer and maybe take a few minutes longer, but the scenery through the mountains I love sure beat being stuck behind 18 wheelers on the highway....so i came home and opened my last bottle of my new favorite wine a sweet red called "cherry on top"  and who knows when I will be able to buy another bottle.  I was still employed when I bought every bottle that Ingles had! so that sucked.  then i sit down, cant read bc im stressed and I cant focus.  dont like hiking in the dark unless im with someone, especially around here bc we have bobcats and coyotes and they are aggressive. So i put on the TV.  pbs isnt so bad oh except tonite its about the holidays.   by this point im on glass 2 of vino....fucking waterworks....i love this time of year.  its always been my favorite.  i love autumn and i love winter. I love being with friends and loved ones during this time of year.  Im all about cooking for people and spending time together and having good times, bonfires when its cold outside, getting snowed in with awesome company and lots of alcohol.  Last year was horrible for me around this time.  I was so pregnant and going threw the stress of my relationship ending and just trying to stay positive for my baby that was due at anytime.  and now its here again.  this time with a completely new reality.  My baby girls first Samhain and Yule and her first bday shortly after.  Even though I knew this was going to happen,  i never could have imagined how it was going to affect me.  and before I know it, she will be talking and asking questions. Wondering why she doesnt have a dad around.  What if she doesnt have that positive male role model in her life. am i setting her up for a lifetime of disaster and feeling abandoned?   I remember when i was a little girl.  my dad was my hero.  i followed him around and tried to do everything he did.  In my eyes there was nothing he couldnt do.  I remember always feeling safe and secure bc my dad could fix anything and make anything happen.  the thought that she may not grow up with someone like that to look up to, makes my heart shatter.  All these firsts....who doesnt want to see a baby take its first steps or say their first word or dress up for their first halloween and their eyes on christmas morning.  why would anybody want to miss these moments.  Im  just wishing under this moon that she will be ok.  that it will all work out.  

about a month or so ago i blogged about the thought of not having more babies. I never thought i would have a baby.  ever.  i gave up the dream of that years ago, having a string of partners that never wanted kids for more than 10 yrs of my life, i dove head first into carreer and everything else.  and then it happened.  I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  When Willow came my whole world changed.  I cant believe i had my first baby at 35.  the thought of that boggles my mind.  and now the thought of not having more takes me to a place that i cant even put words to.  there are no words that can describe the moment a child is born.  it is like an internal calling from the earth herself.  its sacred beyond all that is sacred. I dont like the thought that I wont experience that again.  I dont like the thought that I wont give someone the gift of a child.  Making a person is amazing! Its not just a baby.  Its a soul, thats part you and part another soul.   I still dont understand it.  My head cant wrap around that much beauty.  When 2 souls come together and make another soul that will go into the world and offer whats inside them to make the world a better place.  Sacred isnt a good enough description for it... and these are the musings in my mind tonite~      

Time flies when your (NOT) having fun

and 2 years later said the girl with the star tattoos.......or so i was fondly named and unknowingly known as :) 

I dont even know where to start.  my life should be a television show or atleast a really good book.   This life has flown me all over the place in the past 2 years.  Ive gone from one end of the mountains to the other, made some amazing friends, learned some great skills, i closed a chapter of my life with a partner of many years(finally) and started a new one with the birth of my daughter, Willow Isabel.  I am starting yet another new chapter of my life with the recent ending of my employment with a company i spent many years with.  It turned my life upside down and yet at the same time has turned it completely around.  Right now, I just "am" I don't really know what is coming, and even though I have the ability and clairvoyance to find out, I choose not to.  I like the element of surprise.  I've never been one to abuse any gifts i was given.  that is one that I clearly do not abuse or things would have obviously been alot easier! Life is what it is.  Even though there are crazy challenges, doubt, fear etc, these are the things that mold us into the "who" we are.  I would never want to compromise myself of that journey.  so i choose to experience rather than walk knowingly.  Its kinda like love spells.  People ask me all the time to do them. I dont do them. EVER. i dont believe in it.  I think its fucking with the inevitable.  What is, will happen, what is not, should not be.  People often dont know what they are asking for.  I look at seeing the future much in the same way.  if I steered clear of every challenge i knew was coming, i would have no character, no strength and no accomplishment.  Although I am half way threw to the other side of the "mother" journey of maiden, mother, crone.  I imagine in the future, i will probably choose different.  if my character gets anymore colorful, i will have to invent a new spectrum of colors for the rainbow.     

I am as always a hopeless optimist.  I have not yet lost that part of me.  And yes, the answer to the million dollar question that everyone is always asking that I am always so reluctant to answer, Yes, I am ready to move forward with love.  I have been for quite sometime.  As I had the conversation with my friend Rebecca quite some time ago.  I mourned the loss of my partner, years before i closed the door.  Closing the door on a completely unconventional, untimely and honestly an embarrasing situation was the hard part.  It was not closing a door on love, as the song went, love dont live here anymore.  It was opening a new door where people judged.  I can handle judgement for myself.  Ive always been different and always been judged.  But i had no idea how I would handle people judging my daughter and the path I had chosen for her and I.  I stayed quiet and played the role for awhile and realized I was making a grave mistake by doing that.  I want happiness. and that is where I am.  Finding my happiness on every level and letting it find me~

Starting over...again

So much has happened since I have written in this blog.  I walked away from it a couple years ago, because a situation happened that frightened me. A reality that I did not want to face or have anyone that I knew, know about.  I am not going to get into details, but out of listening to someone elses perspective on what it could have been, I thought long and hard about it and decided to give it another go.  So many posts and people were deleted and I regret that now.  I dont like living in regret, so heres to starting over. again and again and again.