The Goddess Moves

Oh as much as I curse these hips, these hips that contrast this small waist and full breasts, I thank the Goddess every day for the way they move.  I thank her for blessing me with the year of the snake and the moves of the snakecharmer.  I thank her for the way eyes move over them and for the way they feel when warm hands hold them as Magick emits from them. Even when I feel out of place in this world of straight and narrow, I still find pleasure in what this art of curves can do, when the music plays in the darkness of nite, slowly, while driving a man mad with the way they can rise and fall, above him.  This is the dance of the goddess, sultry dark temptress that owns the thoughts of many, but can only be owned by one...someday, she will put down the bow and arrow~

Soul in the woods

Most days Im not sure what Im doing.  Why anything even matters.  I just go with the wind.  Its who I am.  Constantly wandering.  Unlike my star sign that would have anyone believe, I need to be in place.  I dont, but I do.  Its like my soul is haunted.  Im not sure what its haunted from, but I suppose that is why Im here to figure that out.  I have a constant need in me for more.  Always more.  i wander deep into these woods and mountains.  Im quiet there and i can be exactly who I am.  I dont have to apologize, I dont have to be the way anyone wants me to be.  My hair can be wild as it is unruly in nature, my eyes can be deep and my hands can touch what they want to touch. I am a nurturer. It is part of my soul to want to touch and heal.  Another part of who I am.  I dont have to be tame and hide these things in the woods.  The animals come to me in the woods.  They always have.  They dont fear me or i them.  The fairies seem to protect me and guide me.  I find places that nobody ever knows about. I collect things from the woods and I leave pieces of me everywhere.  There are signs of me all over these hills and no one would ever know.  There are times that i think because of my ancestors in these mountains is why I wander freely.  I am these mountains.  It is my blood right.  I do not belong to a "nation" i belong of this land.  Today i climbed to a peak, it was cold and windy up so high.  I sat there for quite sometime allowing the wind and cold to become me.  I feel as if its a type of cleansing when I do this.  Not the typical sage, cedar or sweetgrass that most have been taught to use, but allowing what the sky mother says to you on her breath, the wind, to soothe your soul and cleanse the pain away with.  It is not what Ive been taught by a book, its what has been shown to my soul.  I do not teach, I do not believe in ego.  I do not speak of these things.  They are not words that can be spoken.  I simpy am.  I simply live.  I simply become and one day I will simply go back into these mountains where I belong to.  Where my soul has married the ground that I tread on.  Where my heart gave birth to a magnificent tree that reaches down with her hands to touch the earth where her true mother lies.  I am the soul of the woods.  i am true to who I am.  I do not deny my heart of anything.  Its not how my soul is wired to this existence on this land, in this life.  My job is to feel and love.  To experience every joy and pain and allow it to cut through everything that consumes me and dig into my soul, until it has become my very being~

fumbling

and so it starts before it even begins.  running...from myself.  demons are never far enough away~

Happy Birthday to you John

Today would have been the 72nd birthday of the beautiful John Winston Lennon.  I wonder what he would think if he was here today.  I remember when they announced he died and my mom laying down on the couch and crying herself to sleep. I didnt understand why she was so upset. Years later I do.  We always had Beatles Sunday growing up in my house for as long as I can remember and to honor him, I still do.  30 years after his death and I still have Beatles sunday, which usually consists of cooking and playing John Lennon/Paul McCartney/Beatles music for a good part of the day. What a tragedy and loss in our ever failing society. 

 In trying to always stay positive I would like to think he would be proud of what is happening with people trying so hard to regain connection with each other, but the realist in me thinks how heartbroken and pained he would be by seeing how much weve distanced ourselves from one another in the first place.  The world is such a different place now.  It was changing back then too, but i wonder if he ever imagined we would go this far down.  It makes me sad for humanity.  Sad for all that we can accomplish and all that we have in our hearts and souls, yet our inability to live by it.  I struggle most days to pinpoint where it all changed.  Probably before I was born, I always feel out of place because of that.  Like im trapped in this other place.  Im sure im not the only one that feels this way.  Being a healer, I know why Im here and I know why humanity is spinning out of control.  Its all part of rebirth. People must loose everything because we have forgotten what true love is.  Love for each other.  We forgot that the most important possession to have is not a physical possession at all.  Its to understand and possess whats in your heart and soul.  Accepting each other.  Why do we feel like we need to impress each other by changing what we are.  Why cant we just "be"? Some may think I feel this way because Im not one of "the beautiful ones" and thats true.  Not being part of current societies view and ideals of what "beautiful" is has always made me dig deeper.  It immersed me into a world of not seeing that vanity.  It gave me the opportunity to "see" people.  not just view them.  The positive part of all of that is that I have been so lucky to meet the real beautiful people afterall! Through some sort of divine intervention that I still dont understand how it happens that way, I always meet and come into contact with the most beautiful souls.  Today I am grateful for that and will continue to Imagine all the people.  Thank You John Lennon for everything you are. still~

cold and lonely

Its so cold out tonite.  our first really cold couple of nites that weve had here in the mountains.  The cold makes me sappy and lonely this time around.  I love this time of year for the fires and good home cooked meals, reading good books, writing and cuddling to keep warm.  Not so great when there is nobody to feel that way with.  I dont understand alot of things anymore.  I really want to put myself out there, because i know that is how you are suppose to work this relationship/dating crap.  had a long chat with one of my bestfriends here today.  her and I have always been kindred spirits.  both of us are so alien to the way dating works nowadays.  one thing that age gives you is this constant nagging of who you are.  its a blessing and an emotional beating as well.  I know who I am.  I know what works for me and what doesnt.  I dont believe in this crap of dating multiple people for months on end and figuring out if you want to take that chance with someone.   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do believe in immediate love.  I think at some point in your life if you dont know what you want you never will.  i mean i know exactly what i want and what i dont want and what person is worth compromising for and who i would not want to with.  Im such a risk taker with my heart and love.  I think falling head over heels is the most amazing feeling ever.  that feeling of spinning and laughing and your heart being happy is worth the heartbreak if it doesnt work.  Who cares if it doesnt work in the end.  who cares if you get hurt.  humans are so stupid, as if we actually have some sort of control over our emotions, especially of the heart.  Like we can control a person hurting us.  we have no control over someone else.  all you can do is open up, fall and hope for the best.  that is all you can ever do.  no matter how perfect or fucked up a person is.  I love when people are like, "I really like this person alot, but im scared they are gonna hurt me, so im gonna slow down"  REALLY???? a little psychology and common sense to throw in there people.  you are already caught! if you really like them, you might as well jump.  if you dont you are setting yourself up for a worse heartache then that person could probably ever give you.  the only thing worse than feeling the hurt from heartbreak, is not feeling the joy from love.  the reason i say that its worse is because when we dont allow ourselves to be free and experience love and hapiness we set ourselves up for failure.  the real failure is not allowing it.  I dont fail. ever.  I have had my heart broken so many times, ive lost count, more accurately i stopped counting! and for good reason, WHO CARES! that is my reason, who fricking cares! I would be a complete fool to force myself out of my own heart.  heres to 35 years of jumping off cliffs into endless rivers of joy and heartbreaks.  and falling forever and ever...

lyrics by one of my favorite lyrical songstress...Ani DiFranco

                                             "Falling Is Like This"

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

New Orleans Crescent City Blues

Tonight Im missing New Orleans.  I was suppose to be on my way to the Crescent city this week, but loosing my job made that impossible.  I miss it there so much.  I love asheville and some people call it the new orleans of the mountains, and it is a very cool fun and liberal city.  but its no New Orleans.  the people are different.  in New Orleans everybody is friends.  you are welcome anywhere.  as much pain and devestation as that city has seen, it never destroyed the spirit and people.  New Orleans has always been my diversity fix.  Coming from a very culturally diverse city originally and then moving to NC where there is no diversity except different types of white people, its important for me to see culture and ethnicity. I miss the colorful life of Nola.  I am a very colorful person, so anything that is bright, flashy, glittery and pops out at you I am instantly drawn to, thats New Orleans.  I miss the art, the crazy people, the music, the bars, the spirit of the people, the lake, watching the sun rise over Pontchartrain, the food,  the voodoo, the reality of lives that our government forgot about and the resiliance of a culture. 

Clarity

Today I decided to spend some time on my side of the mountain. Took a detour to my little hidden mountaintop lake that I havent seen in a while.  I always forget how peaceful it is there until im sitting on that dock.  It always makes me feel comfortable. Its in the middle of nowhere so I always feel safe that Im not gonna run into anybody.  Nobody knows where it is.  Its not like its this private lake that Im trespassing to get to.  Its public, its actually a marina, its just tucked way into the mountains no access to major roads or highways, just miles of 2 lane mountain roads to get there.  I love it.  I always feel better the deeper into the mountains I go.  Most importantly is its just this safe spot for me.  I know I can come here to be me.  Ive never revealed the location to anybody and considering Im going to be going there with someone the next time I go, is giving me this strange yet peaceful feeling.  Strange part of opening that part of me up to someone else is that nobody else knows about it that I know.  Nobody knows I go there.  Its like a being a kid and having this really good hiding spot that nobody can ever find you when you go there.  The peaceful part of it, well I havent quite figured that out yet.  I have no idea how a person that I dont know can make me feel at ease and peaceful.  So fucking weird....

 There wasnt a single soul there today.  just me :) I laid there for a good while just looking up at the clouds thinking about everything that has been swirling around me.  Trying to figure all this shit out is exhausting.  I want to do so much.  Im so sick of my career.  I have been doing this for so long because its always been such good money, that I dont even know where or how to start again.  i really dont want to go back to school.  i love learning, but being a single mom with no other means of support is really a fucking pain in the ass.  Im so sick of hearing other moms tell me they did it and I can do it.  I dont know a single one of my single mom friends that doesnt get some sort of financial support from babies dads, ex husbands, partners whatever you want to call the DNA donors....I am my daughters parentS.  not just mom, I am both.  emotionally and financially.  Actually for the past 6 years of my life I was both.  I was a parent before I ever gave birth.  however that is neither here nor there and is my own damn fault.  Cant blame anybody for that stupid shit.   

I am thinking about the RN midwife program.  I love birth and would love to birth babies all day, and it would certainly give me my fix of birth that obviously is never going to happen in my life again.  I wish really deep down inside to have more babies, but lets be honest.  the time clock is ticking right along.  This is why I hate being 35... i hear it all the time from other women when they ask if i want more babies and they tell me i have plenty of time.  duh! of course I want more babies! I made the most awesome person on the earth.  I would love to make other awesome people! but single at 35 is not a favorable position for having more babies. Unless you meet someone that is on the same level and is ready to settle down and wants to be with someone that they can take things to the next level with, which never happens.  Men dont know what the fuck they want anymore.  Its like they all think they are in some exclusive club and have this vast oasis of options at their fingertips. Seriously....If people were a little more honest with themselves and took 5 minutes to really see a person and who they are inside instead of what they think others will think, we would see alot more awesome love connections.  There are some amazing people out there, if others just took the time to know them, the world would be a different place.

  In my perfect world, prince fucking charming would swoop me up and fall head over heels, and want babies, and not like 10 yrs from now.  but yeah, prince fucking charming does not exist.  despite all of the BS that I am constantly (still to this day) being fed by other misinformed women, that shit is NOT real.   Prince charming, a myth...we are all fucked up, been done wrong, jaded, and whatever other level of fucked up-ness you would like to be categorized into. About all you can hope for is that you find someone as equally as fucked up as you are and still thinks the sun shines out of your ass and vice versa.  I love love, honestly I do.  Its pretty easy for me to fall because I have this ability in seeing the most awesome things in people.  all people.  I fall in love with everyone.  Its part of who I am.  I wouldnt change it for anything. I am a hopeless optimist.  I always want to see the good in people.  Even when they are bad.  I always manage to find that little patch of sparkle on them.  It is my strong point and my weak point all in one.  It bites me in the ass quite frequently, but it is still who I am.  I tried to be the angry pessimist for a long time.  It just wasnt for me.  Right now I just want to find someone as compassionate about life (in general) as I am.  Notice I said compassionate and not passionate.  Although passion is always good, but Im a taurus and that is a given, we are natural lovers, seducers, temptress etc.  dont hate, we were born that way. I want compassion for my happy ending.  Im so strong about the planet, humanity, nature, animals etc.  I need someone to have those qualities.  its not a want, its a need.  I need someone that gives a damn.  There needs to be a respect and love for nature and what the fuck is happening in this world.  People need to care.  I cant be with someone that wants to just slip into the convenient lifestyle of putting on blinders and riding through life on auto pilot.  Yes, it is nice to have normalcy, but there needs to be more.  I like normal.  I like to get up every morning and make coffee, and I like to go sit on my porch with a view and sip my coffee and be in awe of all the nature around me.  i want someone there to do that with.  Yes, I like to have friends over for dinner and drinks, that happen to be a bunch of badasses and are just as crazy about changing the world as me and my other half are.  I like to invite people over and have way too much wine, beer or any other combination of alcohol, and usually shit gets crazy and someone ends up naked or having sex in the front yard, bathroom, a neighbors pool, a pond, in the bushes, behind a tree and sometimes its me! but that is another blog altogether to get those dirty little secrets.  The point is that I like to mix normalcy in with crazy and a humanitarian spirit.  Its just how I roll.  I need someone that is a peaceful, caring, ecofriendly billy badass.  I dont think it really exists, but Im gonna find out!