Tonite I really just dont know exactly what to write, but all I do know is that i need this, to write that is. So much going on in my world, yet nothing going on at all. Hence why this needing to purge in words has come forth.
North Carolina has been good to me, in fact the way my life is going, this is the best its ever been. I should be grateful right?? Yes I am. Grateful for the land i am blessed to live on, sacred soil. grateful for the seasons. grateful for the comfy house up on a mountain protected by the preserve on the Blue Ridge Parkway. grateful for a prosperous job. grateful for the new reliable transportation that this job has given me. grateful. I am. but.....there is always a but.....
about a month ago, my very dear friend, whom has also been going through this same dilemma, finally reached her breaking point,she hit a wall. the reality wall. the wall that wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you jump out of bed and say "what the fuck am i doing!!!"
this action that i watched her go through made me start to question myself. the introvert that i am, started mentally working overtime. quite typical. usually the time when i am the quietest is the time when everyone needs to watch out. through meditation, long drives, sitting quietly, observing and reflecting, i believe i figured it out. I've got this life down, I need something new now, something different.
i realized at that point what the problem was. many many moons ago, i had a dream :) this dream still makes me giggly and smiley and happy all over. I told my friends and family I was going to the mountains in NC one day. this was so long ago, i cant even remember how long ago (over 10 years ago). i dreamed of a life i wanted. i saw my future, made it exactly what i wanted it to be. dreamed it big, crazy and out there, as i often do. i never apologize for my grandiose imagination because it has never let me down. being the city girl that i was, people laughed at me, they told me i was nuts and could never make it in the mountains...and for all those people i have a big "HaHa" for them. not only did i make it, but i am kicking ass up here and doing better than i have ever done before! but enough of that, i dont hate on anyone, most of it was done in good fun and out of concern. afterall what the hell was a downtown, city girl gonna do up in the mountains of North Carolina!
this brings me to the exhaustion part mixed in with mass confusion for months. i started to develop a complex about being here. i was tired, not many friends, learning that my relationship was really over so i moved out. where is this person coming from??? did i make a mistake, should i go back home???the taurus in me refused. i knew there had to be more. and here is the answer. i realized that i had completely put my dream aside. i moved here with so much hope, so much excitement and stars in my eyes. somewhere along the line of trying to re-adjust and learn a new land, people, culture. i forgot why i came here. i fell right back into the mundane. i allowed myself to become completely consumed with absolutely nothing! and i call it nothing for this reason. I have already done this life. i have already accomplished these goals. i have fought blood, sweat and tears and worked my way to the top, i have put in my time, and earned my keep and yes i have the scars to prove it! i won that battle, before i ever left the state of florida.
how could i not be exhausted! i totally fell back into the same rat race that i worked so hard one time already to get the hell out of! I vowed to myself a different way of life. we dreamed together. sat up late at night like 2 school kids devising their big runaway. me the artist, him the farmer, us the dynamic duo, living off the grid, learning how to make what some call "roughing it" our way of life, yet at the same time, partnering modern day technology with survivalist skills. making a marriage between the skills of our ancestors of the past and the children of the future. Then that came crashing down. Everything changed. I dont know why and probably never will. I no longer had a partner in this dream. His goals changed. i still want my goats and chickens and huge organic farm. I dont want to be stuck for the rest of my life married to a way of life that i already succeeded at, failed and succeeded again. I already did that! i just wanted a simpler life, free of the stress of the rat race. a place where i could have my love for animals, vegetables, fruits, nature, plants, artistic expression. i had a dream, and i still have one (or 10) sooo........
STEP 1. live the dream <3>
