Hearts and thoughts

So tomorrow marks 7 yrs in the struggle to get me back.  6 years since I gave up the downward spiral.  6 years ago I woke up after a binge of partying my ass off on Halloween night and decided i was done destroying myself.  I went out with my best friend and we drank (among many other things that night) ourselves into oblivion. I was passed out facedown in the doorway of her front porch.   I was so sick with the combination of "other things" and alcohol that I slept for almost 24 hrs.  Being sober after that much intoxication was "Sobering"  Her and I were both spinning recklessly over love lost.  Both of us mourning our ex fiances.  We ran into both of them on the same nite in the same bar...unfriggingbelievable!  Exactly one year after mine left me.  Im not sure what combination of drugs we got ahold of that night but I remember almost crashing the car(not only because i was ridiculously drunk but) because we were looking for her ex fiance in her purse...drugs...On our street on her front porch later the next day I decided I was done.  Not that I ever stopped partying, but I was done destroying myself.  I bid farewell to the devil that was chasing me.  not just the drug, but the man.  And like I've said before, some days there still isnt enough whiskey or wine to chase the demons away, but I still keep going and dont turn back.  Do I miss it? Yes sometimes, the man and the drug...mostly what Ive missed in all of it is ME.  I miss the way I was so carefree and happy.  I miss my gypsy spirit.  Today reminded me that even though I lost so much back then, Im still her.  While working today I had a wonderful client.  We sat after her treatment for awhile and talked, after she hugged me so tight and looked me in the eye and said, "your such a beautiful gypsy soul" I wondered if she had intuitivly picked up the struggle that has been going on in my mind  for the past couple weeks.  The past 2 weeks of my life had been so crazy with drama I cant even verbalize it.  Like Ive also said before, the shit that happens in my life only happens in books or tv shows!  But that is another blog altogether. All I can say is Im glad I dont always update my facebook page and people dont always know where ive moved to or where Im now employed.  Thank the Goddess.  all i can do is keep trying to get me back and keep staying focused.  As fucked up as my life is, I have bloomed into such a beautiful woman in comparison to the ramshackled life I had 7 years ago.  I just need to love me ~