whisper

Random thoughts race some nights.  Ramblings that need desperately to be shouted across pen and paper,  yet still hide behind the ink.  Im afflicted... joyous, torn, put back together, broken apart, softly kissed and beaten down.  I am holding onto a spinning rope, and its on fire.  I am flying forward, yet running backwards.  I am going blind in a world full of his brightest colors.  Colors that make my heart sing.  Colors that have set me,my own sky, ablaze with my colorful stars swirling around the base of my neck, where his energy lives in my body.  protecting him from the silence of my soul. i keep his taste on my tongue.  our sweat and nectar pulse through each other.   It spins us into a single intertwined dance with words made of razors and roses, that have cut through the layers of my darkness, yet he holds back the light.  Casting me into silence and the whisper of these thoughts to my own heart~

Searching

As I enter into my late 30s, approaching the menacing "4s"  I am finding myself in this place of "searching"  I still havent figured out exactly what all this searching is about.  I just know i am in this space.  Some days are better than others.  I dont "feel" my age at all.  I still feel like Im 25.  This comes with pros and cons.  The pros are that I have more wisdom than I did back then.  The cons are that I have more wisdom than back then! There are days when I wish I hadn't experienced the typical pangs and heartaches that life has thrown at me, yet I feel blessed and honored that I have had the opportunities that life has bestowed upon me.  Without these "downfalls" i wouldnt be the person i have morphed into.  Yet Im still looking for that "delete" button on life.  I am quite honest and there are a few situations that I would love to just CTRL> ALT>DELETE on.  I wish I didnt know what sweet love can feel like.  At times the longing to experience that again with a kindred spirit, where words are not necessary to understand that somewhere along the twisted line we walk side by side, ebbing and flowing into this renegade journey of change and "making" the world a better place.  More so, causing fire in people to change and fight for what is right in humanity.  I have discovered with my travels and from holding community with people of other nations, that life here in the states really isnt so bad. Yet we continually complain about all we lack.  Truth be told we dont really lack anything in this country.  we are so blessed beyond our perception of what life should be that we get caught up in this make believe fairytale existence.   We are so blessed we dont even know it.  If we do indeed 'Lack' in this country, the only thing lacking is in our ability to look at real issues.  We lack here in community.  we dont gather anymore.  we dont know our neighbors.  we dont take time to say hello to strangers anymore.  we dont speak our minds.  we dont help each other.  we are too busy Facebooking about trivial word vomit.  too concerned with whats going on in celebrity news that we forget about what is going on in the world surrounding us and even closer, we dont take the time to understand the separation going on in our own communities and neighborhoods.  Why is it if you are friendly in your town or city, people think you are crazy or want something.  How have we become so distant from each other? when did this take place?  when did simple gestures, like saying "hello" to a passing stranger become strange?  who made up this 'new' rule.  Why cant we just be?  Why cant we just accept each other, care about what happens and vow to help each other out when the shit starts going down?  How do we avoid becoming so jaded, when there is so much that is beautiful surrounding us and so much that is worth everything. 

Even in my own misconstrued rants about my lack of love and communion with another kindred soul, i am starting to realize that its all a bunch of BS.  Why cant I just be happy and exist in this paradise without feeling emotionally insignificant.  Why do i allow that pain that comes haunting me when the world is quiet to affect me so much.  Why do i have this longing and sadness when in a "moment" that I wish someone was there to experience that feeling with me?  even with this knowledge I still struggle in this battle of life and love to find and experience that soul.  To walk all those final miles with someone that can just be there.  No expectations, we just exist to each other in such a profound way that words are not needed to understand.  we just flow on this wave of existence into whatever awaits at the end or beginning~

Let it Rain

The rain has been falling all day.  There is nothing in the world like the feel of rain running down your body.  Some of my best times have been had in the sweet rain.  I have made sure my entire life to get out in the rain as much as possible.  When I use to run, my favorite time to do it was in the rain.  Ive hiked, danced, gardened, climbed waterfalls, swam in lakes, made love, played and just about anything else you can think of, ive done in the rain.  I can recall an experience many years ago, when an ex made dinner and we ate outside, and it started raining.  both of us being free spirited, didnt even think twice, we laughed, fed each other, kissed and drank wine on top of the picnic table in the rain. 

When I moved here I didnt work for almost the first year.  I had saved up enough money and made enough money off my business to breath for a little while.  That was the best 9 months.  I got to experience the entire spring and summer in these temperate mountains.  I went to every festival, concert and event.  That was a particularly rainy spring and summer. I fell head over heels in love with this town and the people here during one of the many festivals. In most places when you go to a concert or festival, everyone runs if it rains.  Not here in the mountains.  This particular festival was one where it lasts 3 days and you can camp out.  We did. they have trance and drumming almost all nite or until everyone passes out. It was pouring rain.  and the trance was playing.  There were bodies everywhere dancing in the nite, with rain falling on everyone.  we were covered in leaves, dirt, laughter and excitement.  Im pretty sure Ive never danced that close with complete strangers (as i was still very new to asheville) completely soaked in rain and the woods and felt this wild tribal instinct.  I felt so connected.  Pagans often worship in the rain.  So celebrating into the nite honoring the rain was something that use to be primal tradition.  I got to experience that here.  In the magickal vortex of these mountains.  Dancing and making love in between these ley lines and feeling the earth come alive under your feet and body. Yes I love the rain.  and Yes I love the magick of the rain in these mountains~

Lost in all that is Found

There are days when everything in your existence aches.  Every thought, touch, memory, smell, taste.  Not in a sadness, but in a longing.  When what your soul craves stands on the other side of a veil. You can see it, feel it, smell it and almost hold it.  Yet this thin reality flows  between 2 worlds, bringing a haunting visceral fire of want vs need.  An antagonizing torment of knowing vs wishing. When your mind knows better, but your heart spins recklessly and your soul soars overhead watching the battle unleash between the "want vs need" only the soul knows which beast it will swoop down upon and consume into this paradise circus. 

At some point you recognize and accept who you are deep in the chambers that we lock ourselves up in.  Once in a lifetime someone comes along that forces you out of that chamber.  They speak the story you wrote...they dont even know it.  There are nites I go back over and read the past 20 yrs of my life.  The intoxicated rantings over loss, the muses of 3 a.m. desire and need.  the memories of razor blades dripping with heartache, empty bottles of wine and whiskey shattering with screams.  standing on the edge watching below while your mind is floating in the ethers of substance abuse.  I remember an instance where i stood dangling onto the edge of a bridge in Port Everglades, hanging on behind me to cables.  My hair was long then.  Wild.  I remember the feeling of the ocean air whipping my hair.  I sat there for 2 hours experiencing every twist and turn of my "high" laughing and wondering if that was what love felt like.  I was so free then.  Dancing carelessly under those grafitti bridges in the middle of the nite.  Carelessly floating in complete bliss through taboos.  Experiencing things in life that people look down on.  Being free.  I laughed, i sang, i made love like a temptress, i played with fire, i was fire.  I made art, i wrote.  I wrote messages all over my city under those bridges.  My musings of desire and passion and what i wanted love to be.  I broke into abandoned buildings and painted swirls of stars all over walls.  I was me.  Unfiltered.  Uncensored.  I made no apologizies.  I didnt have to.  I was accepted. "Love" found me.  I ran.  I ran like violent wind ripping through trees.  I eventually gave way to allowing.  I was the queen of our obscure world.  The beautiful Muse.  Déesse Noire.  Handed everything on bended knee and bowed head.  we worshipped into the night.  Soared into the stars.  Then...i was cast from my own heaven.  forced to walk into hell and face truths.  Truths that were spoken to me like a foreign language.  Unthinkable betrayal discovered.  It was too hard for me to accept what had come to the surface.  So i became numb.  i went deep.  hid in those chambers in the darkness of my nite.  Lamenting my loss of forever...

Many years have passed since those days. Numbness has become longing.  To my surprise my fires grew stronger.  The feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the nite like a ghost in your room, telling you to run free again under the moonlight.  Soar again to the stars, make love again like a wild animal, dance, celebrate your body, soul, and senses.  find your passion, become your art, experience the substance, write your soul. Allow. Again~

Missing Home Ramblings

Tonite has been difficult.  I am missing home with a fierceness.  I always get sad this time of year.  I dont have the "core" of friends and loved ones here that I have back home.  Some days I contemplate just packing up Willow and myself and leaving.  Things are so different here.  Ive never really acclamated to it.  I love Asheville.  Asheville is home now but its still different.  I was raised around so much culture. I lived in a melting pot in SE Florida.  It always boggles my mind when people say they love Asheville because it has so much diversity.  Really??? Now I suppose depending on your definition of diversity, maybe..Asheville is not diverse people! Eclectic, yes.  Otherwise its just a bunch of weird white people running around.  Which is all good! Thats what we love about our city, but as far as culture goes, you could fit it in one hand. I miss my old neighborhood.  I miss the food, music, the openess of people, the crazy shit that is the norm. I havent had real Cuban, ethiopian, korean, el salvadorian, peruvian or island food since I left home (aside from when I go back home to visit) I miss the diversity of my friends.  Every race, ethnicity, sexual preference, social status, religious preference etc.  we just all melded together.  No cliques or people that are all just like each other.  People get crazy here from time to time about only socializing with like-minded people.  Dont get me wrong I want to keep good company, but good company can be found in any "clique" of people.  I dont understand why people dont mix better here.  Im not sure if I ever will get use to this.  I completely cant get use to the way people socialize here.  AT ALL.  I like to go out and have drinks at bars just like most people, but I would much rather have people over for drinks.  People dont do that here.  Everybody meets at bars or restaurants.  Nobody hangs out in the neighborhood on the porch here??  Whats wrong with these people?? People dont get together and cook dinners or BBQ or anything.  Nothing.  If they do its for an occassion and even that is rare.  I crave that.  And yes I do go out, if i didnt I would have no social life at all.  I think next year I might just boycott all bars and stay home! Besides Im the best bartender I know! Mostly I miss the absolute random and beauty of all my diverse friends.  Our get togethers, several nites a week.  consuming way to many bottles of wine, dancing in the kitchen, while cooking and just being complete goofballs.  My bestfriend and I waltzing in the kitchen, bc nobody else could waltz or spin like we could.  dancing on the kitchen table to The Cure, Joy Division, Flaming Lips, New Order,  Depeche Mode etc.  The annual neighborhood/block Halloween party, Christmas, New Years, too many absolutely ridiculous 4th of July parties, so many birthday parties i lost count and the all random gatherings every week, for anything we could think of to just be a community. All the kids (because everyone had kids accept me and 2 others) running around playing and having a great time. life just was...as it should be.   Yes, I miss home.  Thank Goddess its only a 10 hr drive away and I have perfected the skill of doing it straight thru overnight without stopping and making it home just in time to sit on the sand on the beach and feel the cool salty morning air whip through my hair and watch the sunrise. Time for a roadtrip~

Crash Into...Me...and You

Reckless...to my heart.  Crash.  It was there.  Like lightning bringing fire.  I wore my soul naked in front of you.  Exposed.  In front of the entire hidden world that never saw us. Crash. On fire.  Burn.  and Explode. Turn into dust. Stardust that haunts our senses every time our potion and essence pass through the ether's surrounding each other.  Spinning off purple sparks of sensations wicked memory.  And I explode.  again.  Into you.  and you into me. 

And that pretty accurately describes exactly what I'm dealing with tonite in a very cryptic and veiled explanation.  Elusive to all accept the most unlikely creature....

Hearts and thoughts

So tomorrow marks 7 yrs in the struggle to get me back.  6 years since I gave up the downward spiral.  6 years ago I woke up after a binge of partying my ass off on Halloween night and decided i was done destroying myself.  I went out with my best friend and we drank (among many other things that night) ourselves into oblivion. I was passed out facedown in the doorway of her front porch.   I was so sick with the combination of "other things" and alcohol that I slept for almost 24 hrs.  Being sober after that much intoxication was "Sobering"  Her and I were both spinning recklessly over love lost.  Both of us mourning our ex fiances.  We ran into both of them on the same nite in the same bar...unfriggingbelievable!  Exactly one year after mine left me.  Im not sure what combination of drugs we got ahold of that night but I remember almost crashing the car(not only because i was ridiculously drunk but) because we were looking for her ex fiance in her purse...drugs...On our street on her front porch later the next day I decided I was done.  Not that I ever stopped partying, but I was done destroying myself.  I bid farewell to the devil that was chasing me.  not just the drug, but the man.  And like I've said before, some days there still isnt enough whiskey or wine to chase the demons away, but I still keep going and dont turn back.  Do I miss it? Yes sometimes, the man and the drug...mostly what Ive missed in all of it is ME.  I miss the way I was so carefree and happy.  I miss my gypsy spirit.  Today reminded me that even though I lost so much back then, Im still her.  While working today I had a wonderful client.  We sat after her treatment for awhile and talked, after she hugged me so tight and looked me in the eye and said, "your such a beautiful gypsy soul" I wondered if she had intuitivly picked up the struggle that has been going on in my mind  for the past couple weeks.  The past 2 weeks of my life had been so crazy with drama I cant even verbalize it.  Like Ive also said before, the shit that happens in my life only happens in books or tv shows!  But that is another blog altogether. All I can say is Im glad I dont always update my facebook page and people dont always know where ive moved to or where Im now employed.  Thank the Goddess.  all i can do is keep trying to get me back and keep staying focused.  As fucked up as my life is, I have bloomed into such a beautiful woman in comparison to the ramshackled life I had 7 years ago.  I just need to love me ~

Happy Samhain

Today is Samhain or as most people know it Halloween.  I feel like shit.  Its a special one because its my little fairy beans first Samhain.  Im not a very good mom right now.  I am lost somewhere and I just cant.  Im sad.  Im not dressing her up and taking her out for her first one so Im pretty sure I have officially qualified for worst mom of the year award.  I just cant do it.  I dont want to see or talk to anyone.  I have deleted everything from my facebook, I turned my phone off and I just dont want to respond to anybody in the outside world.  I just want to go away.  I want to pack up a bag and leave.  start fresh.  I have decided that when my lease is up in April, I am doing one of 2 things.  Im either moving to an undisclosed location or Im leaving Asheville.  Ive checked into a few options w my spa.  because Crowne Plaza is international I can go just about anywhere.  I think its time.  I have worn out the welcome mat in this town.  Ive pretty much accepted that I might be alone the rest of my life.  Im not fine with this, but im not fine with almost anything in my life.  this town has just brought me nothing but sadness and solitude.  Maybe that is the way its suppose to be, I dont know.  If I stay in Asheville, Im moving either back to Madison County or im going to look for a home in Fairview/Gerton area.  Gerton is always where I have wanted to live. I just like it there.  I have to now wait 2 more years to buy something, so I will focus on renting.  I need the perfect spot.  I wont accept anything less than that now.  The rest of my life is so fucked up, I need to atleast have something to look forward to and my dream home is a good place to start.  Right now Im just extremely pissed off at the universe.  I know there is a reason all this shitstorm is happening but right now I dont give a fuck.  Im sick of it.  I live a good life.  I do good things for people all day and everyday.  I have given my all in love and friendships.  In return I get shit.  I meditate and manifest that good things will happen and nothing.  So Ive decided to just surrender to it.  I dont have the energy or the years left in me to wish for things.  

Sometimes I feel theres a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn.I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean. And the moon tonite, theres a circle around it. A sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each nite wanting. But still sometimes when the wind is warm and the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.  I just want someone to love me.  i want to be seen.  I dont know, maybe Ive had my happiness, I dont want to believe it, but there is no man, only that moon~

Let it Snow!

Winter is fast approaching in these mountains.  Its only the end of October and already we are preparing for the first snowstorm of the season and apparently its going to be a big one. this reminds of our winter 4 years ago when our first snowfall was right before Halloween.  That was a bad winter.  The snowstorms that year did not let up at all.  I still had my mustang then and nothing teaches you how to be a good snow driver quite like owning a rear wheel drive V8 sports car in the windy snowy, icey, steep mountain roads in a state that has little to no budget for snow removal.  after that winter I sold my mustang and bought a much more practical AWD truck with snow tires! Thank the Goddess i had sense in my head bc for the next winter I moved out to rural Madison County into a remote area not far from the TN border that has a reputation for being one of the snowiest areas of these mountains.  Living out there prepared me for whatever is to come.  Being in such a remote area pushed me to my limits of solitude.  One of my closest friends lived out there also and after 2 bad winters being out in those mountains we were both pushed over the edge and left.  both of us live in rural mountainous areas still but they arent nearly as bad as where we were.  This will be my first winter in the Green River area.  I have never lived this far south in the mountains.  but Im told by all the locals here not to underestimate the fact that its south.  We sit at the top of the high peaks of the gorge and this pocket gets alot of snow from the precipitation further south of us and the cold air pushing up the gorge from the West.  We also get the worst ice storms that the area sees bc of it.  More so further south into Saluda and Tryon area, but this area sees its share of ice storms as well and can often be difficult to navigate when mixing the ice storms with the snow pushing from the west.  Im just glad that i live at the top of the Gorge and not the bottom.  If I had to drive up the icey Saluda incline everyday into Asheville I would be a wreck.  I remember the horror stories from the first couple winters I lived here about all the times that there was no coming up or leaving the mountains because the Saluda incline was closed down due to horrible accidents where cars were flipped and 18 wheelers were jack knifed  almost everyday because of the ice coming up the gorge.  I dont know what to expect.  im use to the snow of Madison county and havent had alot of experience with heavy ice.  Its much easier to drive on snow than ice.  Actually its almost impossible to drive on ice.  Even with chains on your tires, its still difficult.  I learned that in Madison Co also.  everyday I had to drive into Asheville which was about 40 miles south east of me and I would hit horrible iced over areas in between the mountain gaps of Newfound watershed going from buncombe co. into Madison.  I have had my share of sliding off the road into ditches, peoples mailboxes, a couple trees etc.  Luckily I never went into any of the deep ravines, but I had on more than one occassion had the sense in my head to turn around and head back to asheville because conditions on the road were impassable and I was scared i was going to go into the ravines.  I have driven in a handful of blizzards out there in zero visibility in several inches to feet of snow and even had to walk home in one when even my truck couldnt push any further in snow that was deeper than my knees that hadnt hard packed yet.  driving in fresh powder snow is the worst! I can drive on hard packed snow all day.  No problem.  but man i hate that powdery shit! its pretty to look at when your sitting at home looking out the window, sipping tea and staying warm by the woodstove.  but it sure as hell aint fun when you are driving in it late at nite and cant tell where you are going bc everything looks the same bc its so fresh and there are no tire tracks.  Im pissed this year bc my goal with this being Willows first winter and with the farmers almanac which predicted a bad one was to save up enough money to take off work from Christmas until March.  I had just reached my goal of having enough money for that when I found myself unemployed in September.....I had to use just about all of my money from savings to hold me over until i found work again.  Now I have to work through winter.  Im not happy about this.  Im sure that there must be some sort of silver lining to this story, but I have yet to find it and will surely be cursing to the bowels of hell my former employer when I am stuck on I26 for hours on end in every winter storm that rolls through these mountains this winter.  So in complete uncertainty and having no cushion anymore to hold me over, I begin my push through what is going to possibly be one of the worst winters NC has seen in many years, and my first winter as a single mama.  Lifes challenges are not always what you wanted but I try to remain positive and have faith in myself that I can do anything and the universe knows what she is doing for me~

NO just fucking NO

and there it is...just when Im starting to get back to me. Just when I think its finally over and we can both move on because its been 7 years since us! You show up like a thief in the nite.  Go away.  Im not here anymore.  you should know, you took her away. now go away

 I hope I haunt you every day of your life.  I hope everytime you look down at your arm and see my face and my name and my star with my favorite color, you want to rip your skin off.  I hope everytime you see a woman with freckles, your fingers go numb thinking about how you loved the freckles on my lip and use to run your fingers over them.  I hope everytime you see a star, your tortured about how you will never see your favorite little tiny red star on the back of my shoulder again.  NEVER EVER AGAIN.  I hope you remember my eyes forever and the way you use to say they were like red amber honey.  I hope you will never forget the way they were filled with tears and how you said that look will always haunt you.  Im glad it does.  I hope you still can feel the way that I wrapped myself around you when I hugged you.  I hope you miss my hair and the way it smelled like "the Goddess" as you called it.   I hope the fact that I had a baby after you denied me everything when you promised me anything my soul wanted.   I hope it keeps you up at nite. I also hope my words that " I will never come back to you", after you begged me, sobbing to come back that it was the worse mistake you ever made.  Im glad it replays in your mind over and over.   Maybe now you will understand, the smallest fraction of what you stole from me.   That free spirited gypsy soul.  The artist.  The girl that laughed all the time and opened up to people and was "free like the wind" in your words. The most beautiful girl you ever met in your life, as you use to tell people.  The girl that sang and smiled and believed in people and had no fear.  That girl that I have worked so hard to get back for 7 years! 7 fucking years! You will never have her again.  You dont deserve her.  You shattered my existence and I have worked too hard to regain that existence.  I will love like that again.  I will love better than that.  More intense.  More love.  More trust.  Promises that wont be broken. Youve had me, but you will never have that again, because that girl doesnt exist anymore.  I am better than that now.  I am a woman now, that even still steeped with fear and doubt most days, I know I am worth every star in the sky.   I know my soul is true.  I know my heart is real because it has been smashed and rebuilt.  I am stronger now than you ever knew.  You prepared me for my future.  You forced me to dig deeper into my soul than I knew existed.  You taught me how to get up and fight for what I believe in, even if it takes forever to find true love.  I have found it in myself. I now have the ability to love truly. If you wouldnt have shattered me, I wouldnt be the amazing woman that I am today.  The amazing woman that will one day love again.  And they will deserve the love that I have worked so hard to turn into something extraordinary.  There will be no hurt, no pain because I have replaced hurt and pain in my life with love.  It does not exist for me any longer.  So in the end, Thank you for spiraling me helplessly and completely out of control into my future and all that is in my destiny.  ~Estrella

traveling to another dimension

You told me once this is where I could find you.  Im there.  Its a place where everyone is safe.  Nobody can be hurt.  There are no expectations.  Just 2 people learning and experiencing.  This is where everything is beautiful under that Milky Way and our dreams~

Continuing the Dream

Today I drove through one of my favorite areas.  its an area around black mountain and bat cave off Highway 9.  this is one of my favorite drives.  Ive always loved that area.  Especially around Broad River.  A couple weeks ago I took this drive and finally drove up this road Shumont Rd that I have been meaning to drive up for years and never have.  There are a couple properties up there that I had been meaning to check out and I finally did.  Amazing.  I found a beautiful cascade along the way and an abandoned house right beyond it.  I am going to look up county records to see what comes up.  It is a perfect little spot.  Aside from my house in Gerton that I didnt jump on 3 years ago when it was for sale, all because of a man telling me he wasnt living way the fuck up there....I am thoroughly enjoying nobody telling me what I can and cant do anymore. Never again will I allow someone to dictate what I want to do, especially if I am the one paying the mortgage! Live and learn...   I always drive by that one too just to check if it is back on the market. I am creating a vision board to set the focus and intention back to a physical goal and not just a dream.  I have been starting alot of things (again) lately.  I have started making time for meditation again.  This is something that I have missed terribly.  I am discovering being a single mom is not as hard as I was making it.  I just had to be more organized.  I have been making alot more time for me and have been learning that its ok to be a mom and take my daughter places when I meet people out.  I am lucky because she is such a good baby and never cries or gets out of control.  She is actually quite enjoyable and happy all the time.  Happy baby, happy mama :) So I might as well take advantage.  My daughter is my life.  I will be doing yoga again soon.  Its been many years since I did yoga and Im really nervous about my limitations now.  I was really good at it years ago.  A good friend of mine is an amazing yoga teacher and she is such a good soul.  We are going to do private sessions.  She offered it to me a couple months ago, but then with all the junk of being unemployed I wasnt able to do it.  Now Im able to again and I am ready! Im looking forward to yoga and girl time with Jessica :) I have also been treating myself to my favorite coffee house World Coffee alot lately.  Its something I use to do.  Another one of my me time things.  I use to go there and write.  Its a great coffee house.  They have awesome brew and play great music.  I always liked it because its off the main drag.  Not as many hipsters which makes it alot more enjoyable.  So the past week for me has really been about just enjoying life again, making new friends, reconnecting with all my old ones, taking in all the beautiful weather and staying true to me~

Never

“There will never come a time when I will be able to resist my emotions.” 
― Louise Erdrich, Tales of Burning Love

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

These Quotes speak volumes to me.  I love when there is another human that sees things in this way.  Life can be disappointing that way.  I have always been a believer in love.  No matter how many times I have been kicked down, broken, shattered, lied to, cheated on, abused, neglected, abandoned.  We all have.  Its just the way it goes.  It still never stopped me from continuing on and finding it again. I have never said the words "never again" rather everytime it ends and I have time to catch my breath and let the smoke clear the room, Ive always said "I cant wait to feel again"  Im such an oddity in the human race anymore.  People are so jaded.  So hurt, scared, fearing, callused.  They run from every emotion and hide from every bit of feeling that can become them.  People are so scared to be figured out.  Scared that they wont be the ones in control anymore.  I hate being in control.  I welcome spinning aimlessly.   To me its the same feeling as getting high and dancing.  Its the best feeling in the world.  When your mind can be free and your body follows suit and moves with every beat, rhythm and the energy and doesnt think about the pain that comes tomorrow or what you may look like as you enter into total freedom and instead  you just close your eyes and explode into waves of pulsating bliss. That is the dance of love ~

Elysium

Ive been fairly quiet lately.  My mind is in a different place.  Im always "in" my mind, but lately ive been there a little more than usual.  Im at that place where a single breath slides down from the jaw line to the neck.  the place where embrace and touch become warmth and fullness and the thought of  being filled with that fullness makes sleep impossible.  I almost want to walk away because the absence of my fear frightens me.  That has never happened.  Most days I love my gift.  Being able to see things and know, have premonition, ESP, deja vu, whatever people want to call it.  I dont even know what to call it.  I dont have it all the time, or maybe I do and just have figured out how to turn it off.  I try often to actually block it because I very much enjoy the element of surprise.  But I cant always block everything.  Patience is not the only thing Im learning lately.  Learning not to open up my mouth in response to things that have not been verbally said, is a challenge.  I have done exceptionally well.  The thought of that place....elysium...its almost enough to keep my breath steady and my hands from shaking when its near.  Almost.

Friends, Falling Stars and Bonfires

As much as my life lacks in so many departments.  One thing it does not lack in is amazing people.  I just feel that should be said.  I always come across some of the best people to my growing circle of friends.  I am starting to become slightly conceited about my friends.  I figure I might as well be, because I am surely not conceited in any other form or fashion in my life.  I am so the opposite of that.  I dont usually take compliments very well, because the first thing i think when handed a compliment is whats wrong with this person saying that or what does someone want.  but Im getting better at accepting what others see in me and saying "thank you" My friends are a huge part in that.  they have been my rocks on shaky ground.  When my self esteem has taken nose dives and crashed and burned into the ocean, they have always been there to pull me back up (sometimes kicking and screaming as the bull in me is stubborn)  Im a little excited.  Its been cold outside at night and tomorrow nite im going to my first bonfire of the season! I didnt have a single bonfire this summer because I live so damn far away.  I love fire! There is something about it that is electric.  I love to smoke herb and lay on the ground in front of the fire and watch the sky.  its one of  my favorite things to do. On top of it all, there is going to be a meteor shower! I am an astronomy nerd...yes its true.  back home I was part of the amateur astronomers club.  we would go out in dark areas with telescopes and view the sky.  The sky is amazing.  i love the stars.  I have them tattooed all over my body.  I am a witch, the star is my talisman.  I am a star child born of Indigo under the sign of Taurus and ruled by Venus.  There was no hope for me ever to be anything other than a sensitive, emotional, nurturing and complete incarnate of love.  The stars remind me of love.  its because I am from them.  My star sign makes me connected to this ground, but I am Indigo and am made up of the universe.   I cant wait to be in complete darkness and watch the show :) 

Daddy has left the building

So this morning Willow wakes up looks me square in the face and said her first word...Daddy. she doesn't even know her Daddy. Only a single mom would understand this. I think I need to just go cry....

Late Night, Art and Insomnia

Its no shock to alot of you that have known me for awhile that I dont require alot of sleep.  Ive always been this way.  When I was a child I would stay up all nite at my desk in my room writing notes to friends, drawing pictures, reading books etc.  My mom would wake up in the middle of the nite and tell me I had to go to bed and get some sleep cause I had to get up for school in a couple hours. In my teens I would stay up all nite writing poetry and painting.  In my 20s, I would either stay up all nite at a bar, writing, painting or i would have my friends over and we would drink coffee and stay up all nite talking philosophy, religion and saving the world.  We would drive out into the middle of nowhere sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning and star gaze, skinny dip, go on spontaneous road trips decided at 10 at nite and drive all nite to greet the sun in another state.  Ive always been a nite owl. Recently I have really been wanting to get back into my art.  It amazes me that over 4 yrs ago I moved to Asheville bc I wanted to do my art (amongst a million other reasons) all I wanted was to have my piece of land with a little house and a view, with woods and I wanted to build a detached cabin/art studio.  I wanted to live this peaceful quite life.  I wanted to be able to get up early in the morning and have my coffee on a porch with a view and stumble over to my studio, smoke some green and do my art. I wanted to have a little spa job with no real responsibility except my clients, no managment shit or any crap like that.  I wanted to expand my career in healing arts and share what Ive learned over the past 15 yrs of healing with everyone.  I can blame so much on so many things but honestly its just a waste of time.  I have learned over the past year about taking responsibility for my own shit.  Being in a relationship for years where everything that went wrong, I was always blamed.  Somehow it was my fault, no matter what the circumstances.  It was always the biggest fights.  I finally at some point realized that I was done being a doormat and I would always say "take responsibility for your own shit and part in it"  So for me to blame anyone other than myself right now would be against my own advice and I am certainly not a victim.  I have always gotten up, dusted off my knees and carried on.  There is no other way to live.  Right now, as much as I want certain things in my life and I would certainly welcome it, I am just working on me.  Getting back to me.  Remembering me.  Trying to be more spontaneous and less calculated.  I use to be so free.  Now my whole life is like a damn day planner.  I hate this shit.  I understand having a job and now Im a mom which adds a completely different element to my life that I never thought would happen.  I never thought I would have a baby.  Even though i always wanted one (or 3) i just never planned on it.  Ive never been with a guy that wanted kids.  It wasnt in the plan...Thank Goddess that plan flew out the window cause I was damn tired of living what someone else wanted and not me.  And no, its not an ideal situation.  No Im not a model mom.  Yes I fuck up.  Yes I drink too much, smoke too many cigarettes and dont get enough sleep.  Will I ever go to a PTA meeting...probably not.  Will my child ever see me hungover...YEP...Will I still go out and get drunk and go to friends houses and dance around bonfires...YEP...will she be exposed to it...YEP...so NO im not the ideal mom, but I am the REAL mom.  I will be that mom that all the other moms hate and secretly wish they had the balls to be just like me, and Im ok with that.  I dont want my girl growing up thinking she has to fit this fucked up image of what society brands her as.  She can do whatever the fuck she wants.  So my goal in all this is just getting back to me.  I am definitely thinking of revisting my 20s with my art.  I will always be true to my low brow art scene.  its in my roots, but the difference in my then and now, is back then I was too rebellious.  I got so mad with the politics of art.  Now, i just dont give a fuck.  I am what I am, I do what I do.  If you like it great, if not oh well.  The 30s are fabulous for not giving a fuck what people think of you anymore! I dont have to bend and stretch to fit anyone's mold.   So in a way I suppose I am still a rebel, I just dont care if Im not accepted anymore.  On the contrary I quite enjoy being the loner.  I do great in big crowds as I have a lifetime in customer service so I know how to work a room, but when it comes to the real me, Im a one on one person or a loner.  I like the intimate space in between.  I like being able to focus on someone and what we are talking about.  I hate having to divide my attention span up amongst a crowd all the time.  In large crowds, I usually get really quiet, and end up drinking way too much in an effort to not look like Im being too quiet.  So heres to a future of continuing to be me and be quietly rebellious and completely unconventional in a way that only I can pull off! Now Im off to start a new painting at 2 am! 

Stupid Love Musings

So much has been happening in my mind lately.  Ive taken a break from all of my social crap.  Including social media.  It doesnt really matter as not many people catch up with me anymore.  I even have decided to take a break from my phone.  I dont even know how honest I can be on here anymore just because I dont know who reads this or if anyone even does at all.  Dating in this town is horrible and I honestly care not to be in a relationship anymore, ever.  Thats really not the truth, its a complete farce, but I just cant do it anymore.  I put myself out there about a month ago and this town has already worn me down.  Out of more men than I want to admit, I meet one nice, sweet one and he is "unavailable"  Not that I was told that, but its obvious.  i was always taught that when someone is interested they will make time.  I am impeccable with making time for everything.  Time for work, home, family, friends, love, fun.  My life is complete insanity.  Im a fucking single mom to a 9 month old.  I have no help except my mom during the days when I work.  She has her own life and the rest of the time Im on my own.  I get no help from her father, not even financially.  i dont have joint custody, my daughter is with me 24-7.  Yet I still find time, to keep up with my "responsible" mom agenda and my social life and I still write all the time and do my art.  I still get out in the woods and wander and commune with the forest, dabble in my photography and somewhere in there, every once in a while I even get exercise in! There are times when I jump out of bed at 6 am and start running like a maniac and dont stop until midnite.  And somehow I still have this complete masochistic urge to throw myself into love and a relationship and would be willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.  Why? I cant even answer that.  I have no fucking clue.  I mean I have plenty of ideas why I want it, but I have no idea why I want to torture myself with games.  Im too fucking old for this shit.  Im not 25 and playing the field.  are you kidding me, I own the fucking field.  I have ran up and down that field more times than anyone should honestly admit to.  Im just done.  Yet I still want....Anyone would tell me I should be happy.  I have "everything"  most people want.  Ive been successful, traveled to alot of places, seen some pretty amazing shit and have experienced things that sometimes I still dont believe they really happened and often try to convince myself that it must have been some sort of hallucination!  I have a beautiful daughter.  Im doing something that I want to do for a living and Im pretty successful at it. I help people all day and I get paid to do it.  Why on earth would I want to mess up my flow with a relationship???  Most women that have accomplished this much on their own, with no thanks to be given to anyone except myself and all the hardwork I put in to be in this position, would just enjoy the moment and have many "friends"   and all I want is to come home and fall into the arms of someone that gives a shit.  All I want is someone that understands how fucking hard I work at this shit called "my life"  and gets it.  I dont ask for money, I have my own money.  I dont ask for somebody to give me some ellaborate life, like most women want.  I can and have and will again build my own life.  I just ask for someone to be part of that.  Why is that so fucking hard??  What is it? Is it because Im not a fucking princess?  Is it because I can do for myself? Is it because I dont need a man to "do" for me?  Well guess what, the truth is I do need someone to "do" for me.  I need someone to care. And someone that wants to be there. and its not just a need anymore, I want it.  

Done

Tonite I am done.  beyond everything.  I dont want to talk to anyone anymore. I just am getting into that place where all i want to do is just go away.  i feel like a fucking idiot.  I cant believe I didnt see that shit.  people talk so much in this town and I hate that everyone knows me.  Im so upset I cant even type whats wrong.  I just dont understand why? why so much effort for so much BS.  Im just done.  this is why i dont try.  its better to just stay away from all of it.

The Goddess Moves

Oh as much as I curse these hips, these hips that contrast this small waist and full breasts, I thank the Goddess every day for the way they move.  I thank her for blessing me with the year of the snake and the moves of the snakecharmer.  I thank her for the way eyes move over them and for the way they feel when warm hands hold them as Magick emits from them. Even when I feel out of place in this world of straight and narrow, I still find pleasure in what this art of curves can do, when the music plays in the darkness of nite, slowly, while driving a man mad with the way they can rise and fall, above him.  This is the dance of the goddess, sultry dark temptress that owns the thoughts of many, but can only be owned by one...someday, she will put down the bow and arrow~

Soul in the woods

Most days Im not sure what Im doing.  Why anything even matters.  I just go with the wind.  Its who I am.  Constantly wandering.  Unlike my star sign that would have anyone believe, I need to be in place.  I dont, but I do.  Its like my soul is haunted.  Im not sure what its haunted from, but I suppose that is why Im here to figure that out.  I have a constant need in me for more.  Always more.  i wander deep into these woods and mountains.  Im quiet there and i can be exactly who I am.  I dont have to apologize, I dont have to be the way anyone wants me to be.  My hair can be wild as it is unruly in nature, my eyes can be deep and my hands can touch what they want to touch. I am a nurturer. It is part of my soul to want to touch and heal.  Another part of who I am.  I dont have to be tame and hide these things in the woods.  The animals come to me in the woods.  They always have.  They dont fear me or i them.  The fairies seem to protect me and guide me.  I find places that nobody ever knows about. I collect things from the woods and I leave pieces of me everywhere.  There are signs of me all over these hills and no one would ever know.  There are times that i think because of my ancestors in these mountains is why I wander freely.  I am these mountains.  It is my blood right.  I do not belong to a "nation" i belong of this land.  Today i climbed to a peak, it was cold and windy up so high.  I sat there for quite sometime allowing the wind and cold to become me.  I feel as if its a type of cleansing when I do this.  Not the typical sage, cedar or sweetgrass that most have been taught to use, but allowing what the sky mother says to you on her breath, the wind, to soothe your soul and cleanse the pain away with.  It is not what Ive been taught by a book, its what has been shown to my soul.  I do not teach, I do not believe in ego.  I do not speak of these things.  They are not words that can be spoken.  I simpy am.  I simply live.  I simply become and one day I will simply go back into these mountains where I belong to.  Where my soul has married the ground that I tread on.  Where my heart gave birth to a magnificent tree that reaches down with her hands to touch the earth where her true mother lies.  I am the soul of the woods.  i am true to who I am.  I do not deny my heart of anything.  Its not how my soul is wired to this existence on this land, in this life.  My job is to feel and love.  To experience every joy and pain and allow it to cut through everything that consumes me and dig into my soul, until it has become my very being~

fumbling

and so it starts before it even begins.  running...from myself.  demons are never far enough away~

Happy Birthday to you John

Today would have been the 72nd birthday of the beautiful John Winston Lennon.  I wonder what he would think if he was here today.  I remember when they announced he died and my mom laying down on the couch and crying herself to sleep. I didnt understand why she was so upset. Years later I do.  We always had Beatles Sunday growing up in my house for as long as I can remember and to honor him, I still do.  30 years after his death and I still have Beatles sunday, which usually consists of cooking and playing John Lennon/Paul McCartney/Beatles music for a good part of the day. What a tragedy and loss in our ever failing society. 

 In trying to always stay positive I would like to think he would be proud of what is happening with people trying so hard to regain connection with each other, but the realist in me thinks how heartbroken and pained he would be by seeing how much weve distanced ourselves from one another in the first place.  The world is such a different place now.  It was changing back then too, but i wonder if he ever imagined we would go this far down.  It makes me sad for humanity.  Sad for all that we can accomplish and all that we have in our hearts and souls, yet our inability to live by it.  I struggle most days to pinpoint where it all changed.  Probably before I was born, I always feel out of place because of that.  Like im trapped in this other place.  Im sure im not the only one that feels this way.  Being a healer, I know why Im here and I know why humanity is spinning out of control.  Its all part of rebirth. People must loose everything because we have forgotten what true love is.  Love for each other.  We forgot that the most important possession to have is not a physical possession at all.  Its to understand and possess whats in your heart and soul.  Accepting each other.  Why do we feel like we need to impress each other by changing what we are.  Why cant we just "be"? Some may think I feel this way because Im not one of "the beautiful ones" and thats true.  Not being part of current societies view and ideals of what "beautiful" is has always made me dig deeper.  It immersed me into a world of not seeing that vanity.  It gave me the opportunity to "see" people.  not just view them.  The positive part of all of that is that I have been so lucky to meet the real beautiful people afterall! Through some sort of divine intervention that I still dont understand how it happens that way, I always meet and come into contact with the most beautiful souls.  Today I am grateful for that and will continue to Imagine all the people.  Thank You John Lennon for everything you are. still~

cold and lonely

Its so cold out tonite.  our first really cold couple of nites that weve had here in the mountains.  The cold makes me sappy and lonely this time around.  I love this time of year for the fires and good home cooked meals, reading good books, writing and cuddling to keep warm.  Not so great when there is nobody to feel that way with.  I dont understand alot of things anymore.  I really want to put myself out there, because i know that is how you are suppose to work this relationship/dating crap.  had a long chat with one of my bestfriends here today.  her and I have always been kindred spirits.  both of us are so alien to the way dating works nowadays.  one thing that age gives you is this constant nagging of who you are.  its a blessing and an emotional beating as well.  I know who I am.  I know what works for me and what doesnt.  I dont believe in this crap of dating multiple people for months on end and figuring out if you want to take that chance with someone.   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do believe in immediate love.  I think at some point in your life if you dont know what you want you never will.  i mean i know exactly what i want and what i dont want and what person is worth compromising for and who i would not want to with.  Im such a risk taker with my heart and love.  I think falling head over heels is the most amazing feeling ever.  that feeling of spinning and laughing and your heart being happy is worth the heartbreak if it doesnt work.  Who cares if it doesnt work in the end.  who cares if you get hurt.  humans are so stupid, as if we actually have some sort of control over our emotions, especially of the heart.  Like we can control a person hurting us.  we have no control over someone else.  all you can do is open up, fall and hope for the best.  that is all you can ever do.  no matter how perfect or fucked up a person is.  I love when people are like, "I really like this person alot, but im scared they are gonna hurt me, so im gonna slow down"  REALLY???? a little psychology and common sense to throw in there people.  you are already caught! if you really like them, you might as well jump.  if you dont you are setting yourself up for a worse heartache then that person could probably ever give you.  the only thing worse than feeling the hurt from heartbreak, is not feeling the joy from love.  the reason i say that its worse is because when we dont allow ourselves to be free and experience love and hapiness we set ourselves up for failure.  the real failure is not allowing it.  I dont fail. ever.  I have had my heart broken so many times, ive lost count, more accurately i stopped counting! and for good reason, WHO CARES! that is my reason, who fricking cares! I would be a complete fool to force myself out of my own heart.  heres to 35 years of jumping off cliffs into endless rivers of joy and heartbreaks.  and falling forever and ever...

lyrics by one of my favorite lyrical songstress...Ani DiFranco

                                             "Falling Is Like This"

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

New Orleans Crescent City Blues

Tonight Im missing New Orleans.  I was suppose to be on my way to the Crescent city this week, but loosing my job made that impossible.  I miss it there so much.  I love asheville and some people call it the new orleans of the mountains, and it is a very cool fun and liberal city.  but its no New Orleans.  the people are different.  in New Orleans everybody is friends.  you are welcome anywhere.  as much pain and devestation as that city has seen, it never destroyed the spirit and people.  New Orleans has always been my diversity fix.  Coming from a very culturally diverse city originally and then moving to NC where there is no diversity except different types of white people, its important for me to see culture and ethnicity. I miss the colorful life of Nola.  I am a very colorful person, so anything that is bright, flashy, glittery and pops out at you I am instantly drawn to, thats New Orleans.  I miss the art, the crazy people, the music, the bars, the spirit of the people, the lake, watching the sun rise over Pontchartrain, the food,  the voodoo, the reality of lives that our government forgot about and the resiliance of a culture. 

Clarity

Today I decided to spend some time on my side of the mountain. Took a detour to my little hidden mountaintop lake that I havent seen in a while.  I always forget how peaceful it is there until im sitting on that dock.  It always makes me feel comfortable. Its in the middle of nowhere so I always feel safe that Im not gonna run into anybody.  Nobody knows where it is.  Its not like its this private lake that Im trespassing to get to.  Its public, its actually a marina, its just tucked way into the mountains no access to major roads or highways, just miles of 2 lane mountain roads to get there.  I love it.  I always feel better the deeper into the mountains I go.  Most importantly is its just this safe spot for me.  I know I can come here to be me.  Ive never revealed the location to anybody and considering Im going to be going there with someone the next time I go, is giving me this strange yet peaceful feeling.  Strange part of opening that part of me up to someone else is that nobody else knows about it that I know.  Nobody knows I go there.  Its like a being a kid and having this really good hiding spot that nobody can ever find you when you go there.  The peaceful part of it, well I havent quite figured that out yet.  I have no idea how a person that I dont know can make me feel at ease and peaceful.  So fucking weird....

 There wasnt a single soul there today.  just me :) I laid there for a good while just looking up at the clouds thinking about everything that has been swirling around me.  Trying to figure all this shit out is exhausting.  I want to do so much.  Im so sick of my career.  I have been doing this for so long because its always been such good money, that I dont even know where or how to start again.  i really dont want to go back to school.  i love learning, but being a single mom with no other means of support is really a fucking pain in the ass.  Im so sick of hearing other moms tell me they did it and I can do it.  I dont know a single one of my single mom friends that doesnt get some sort of financial support from babies dads, ex husbands, partners whatever you want to call the DNA donors....I am my daughters parentS.  not just mom, I am both.  emotionally and financially.  Actually for the past 6 years of my life I was both.  I was a parent before I ever gave birth.  however that is neither here nor there and is my own damn fault.  Cant blame anybody for that stupid shit.   

I am thinking about the RN midwife program.  I love birth and would love to birth babies all day, and it would certainly give me my fix of birth that obviously is never going to happen in my life again.  I wish really deep down inside to have more babies, but lets be honest.  the time clock is ticking right along.  This is why I hate being 35... i hear it all the time from other women when they ask if i want more babies and they tell me i have plenty of time.  duh! of course I want more babies! I made the most awesome person on the earth.  I would love to make other awesome people! but single at 35 is not a favorable position for having more babies. Unless you meet someone that is on the same level and is ready to settle down and wants to be with someone that they can take things to the next level with, which never happens.  Men dont know what the fuck they want anymore.  Its like they all think they are in some exclusive club and have this vast oasis of options at their fingertips. Seriously....If people were a little more honest with themselves and took 5 minutes to really see a person and who they are inside instead of what they think others will think, we would see alot more awesome love connections.  There are some amazing people out there, if others just took the time to know them, the world would be a different place.

  In my perfect world, prince fucking charming would swoop me up and fall head over heels, and want babies, and not like 10 yrs from now.  but yeah, prince fucking charming does not exist.  despite all of the BS that I am constantly (still to this day) being fed by other misinformed women, that shit is NOT real.   Prince charming, a myth...we are all fucked up, been done wrong, jaded, and whatever other level of fucked up-ness you would like to be categorized into. About all you can hope for is that you find someone as equally as fucked up as you are and still thinks the sun shines out of your ass and vice versa.  I love love, honestly I do.  Its pretty easy for me to fall because I have this ability in seeing the most awesome things in people.  all people.  I fall in love with everyone.  Its part of who I am.  I wouldnt change it for anything. I am a hopeless optimist.  I always want to see the good in people.  Even when they are bad.  I always manage to find that little patch of sparkle on them.  It is my strong point and my weak point all in one.  It bites me in the ass quite frequently, but it is still who I am.  I tried to be the angry pessimist for a long time.  It just wasnt for me.  Right now I just want to find someone as compassionate about life (in general) as I am.  Notice I said compassionate and not passionate.  Although passion is always good, but Im a taurus and that is a given, we are natural lovers, seducers, temptress etc.  dont hate, we were born that way. I want compassion for my happy ending.  Im so strong about the planet, humanity, nature, animals etc.  I need someone to have those qualities.  its not a want, its a need.  I need someone that gives a damn.  There needs to be a respect and love for nature and what the fuck is happening in this world.  People need to care.  I cant be with someone that wants to just slip into the convenient lifestyle of putting on blinders and riding through life on auto pilot.  Yes, it is nice to have normalcy, but there needs to be more.  I like normal.  I like to get up every morning and make coffee, and I like to go sit on my porch with a view and sip my coffee and be in awe of all the nature around me.  i want someone there to do that with.  Yes, I like to have friends over for dinner and drinks, that happen to be a bunch of badasses and are just as crazy about changing the world as me and my other half are.  I like to invite people over and have way too much wine, beer or any other combination of alcohol, and usually shit gets crazy and someone ends up naked or having sex in the front yard, bathroom, a neighbors pool, a pond, in the bushes, behind a tree and sometimes its me! but that is another blog altogether to get those dirty little secrets.  The point is that I like to mix normalcy in with crazy and a humanitarian spirit.  Its just how I roll.  I need someone that is a peaceful, caring, ecofriendly billy badass.  I dont think it really exists, but Im gonna find out!

Numb

Tonite is one of those nites.  One of those raw moments of Jenn.  I have these from time to time.  I use to just paint when I had these moments, but as of late, with all the stress all motivation for art has gone by the wayside.  I was in Asheville and when it was time to head home I was gonna take the alternate route across the mountains instead of around them via highway.  I was going to try to see someone also, but then figured it would probably be an effort made in vain so i went against my gut and took the highway and proceeded to sit in traffic forever.  now i know when i leave downtown asheville at that time ALWAYS take the alternate route.  it may be a few miles longer and maybe take a few minutes longer, but the scenery through the mountains I love sure beat being stuck behind 18 wheelers on the highway....so i came home and opened my last bottle of my new favorite wine a sweet red called "cherry on top"  and who knows when I will be able to buy another bottle.  I was still employed when I bought every bottle that Ingles had! so that sucked.  then i sit down, cant read bc im stressed and I cant focus.  dont like hiking in the dark unless im with someone, especially around here bc we have bobcats and coyotes and they are aggressive. So i put on the TV.  pbs isnt so bad oh except tonite its about the holidays.   by this point im on glass 2 of vino....fucking waterworks....i love this time of year.  its always been my favorite.  i love autumn and i love winter. I love being with friends and loved ones during this time of year.  Im all about cooking for people and spending time together and having good times, bonfires when its cold outside, getting snowed in with awesome company and lots of alcohol.  Last year was horrible for me around this time.  I was so pregnant and going threw the stress of my relationship ending and just trying to stay positive for my baby that was due at anytime.  and now its here again.  this time with a completely new reality.  My baby girls first Samhain and Yule and her first bday shortly after.  Even though I knew this was going to happen,  i never could have imagined how it was going to affect me.  and before I know it, she will be talking and asking questions. Wondering why she doesnt have a dad around.  What if she doesnt have that positive male role model in her life. am i setting her up for a lifetime of disaster and feeling abandoned?   I remember when i was a little girl.  my dad was my hero.  i followed him around and tried to do everything he did.  In my eyes there was nothing he couldnt do.  I remember always feeling safe and secure bc my dad could fix anything and make anything happen.  the thought that she may not grow up with someone like that to look up to, makes my heart shatter.  All these firsts....who doesnt want to see a baby take its first steps or say their first word or dress up for their first halloween and their eyes on christmas morning.  why would anybody want to miss these moments.  Im  just wishing under this moon that she will be ok.  that it will all work out.  

about a month or so ago i blogged about the thought of not having more babies. I never thought i would have a baby.  ever.  i gave up the dream of that years ago, having a string of partners that never wanted kids for more than 10 yrs of my life, i dove head first into carreer and everything else.  and then it happened.  I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  When Willow came my whole world changed.  I cant believe i had my first baby at 35.  the thought of that boggles my mind.  and now the thought of not having more takes me to a place that i cant even put words to.  there are no words that can describe the moment a child is born.  it is like an internal calling from the earth herself.  its sacred beyond all that is sacred. I dont like the thought that I wont experience that again.  I dont like the thought that I wont give someone the gift of a child.  Making a person is amazing! Its not just a baby.  Its a soul, thats part you and part another soul.   I still dont understand it.  My head cant wrap around that much beauty.  When 2 souls come together and make another soul that will go into the world and offer whats inside them to make the world a better place.  Sacred isnt a good enough description for it... and these are the musings in my mind tonite~      

Time flies when your (NOT) having fun

and 2 years later said the girl with the star tattoos.......or so i was fondly named and unknowingly known as :) 

I dont even know where to start.  my life should be a television show or atleast a really good book.   This life has flown me all over the place in the past 2 years.  Ive gone from one end of the mountains to the other, made some amazing friends, learned some great skills, i closed a chapter of my life with a partner of many years(finally) and started a new one with the birth of my daughter, Willow Isabel.  I am starting yet another new chapter of my life with the recent ending of my employment with a company i spent many years with.  It turned my life upside down and yet at the same time has turned it completely around.  Right now, I just "am" I don't really know what is coming, and even though I have the ability and clairvoyance to find out, I choose not to.  I like the element of surprise.  I've never been one to abuse any gifts i was given.  that is one that I clearly do not abuse or things would have obviously been alot easier! Life is what it is.  Even though there are crazy challenges, doubt, fear etc, these are the things that mold us into the "who" we are.  I would never want to compromise myself of that journey.  so i choose to experience rather than walk knowingly.  Its kinda like love spells.  People ask me all the time to do them. I dont do them. EVER. i dont believe in it.  I think its fucking with the inevitable.  What is, will happen, what is not, should not be.  People often dont know what they are asking for.  I look at seeing the future much in the same way.  if I steered clear of every challenge i knew was coming, i would have no character, no strength and no accomplishment.  Although I am half way threw to the other side of the "mother" journey of maiden, mother, crone.  I imagine in the future, i will probably choose different.  if my character gets anymore colorful, i will have to invent a new spectrum of colors for the rainbow.     

I am as always a hopeless optimist.  I have not yet lost that part of me.  And yes, the answer to the million dollar question that everyone is always asking that I am always so reluctant to answer, Yes, I am ready to move forward with love.  I have been for quite sometime.  As I had the conversation with my friend Rebecca quite some time ago.  I mourned the loss of my partner, years before i closed the door.  Closing the door on a completely unconventional, untimely and honestly an embarrasing situation was the hard part.  It was not closing a door on love, as the song went, love dont live here anymore.  It was opening a new door where people judged.  I can handle judgement for myself.  Ive always been different and always been judged.  But i had no idea how I would handle people judging my daughter and the path I had chosen for her and I.  I stayed quiet and played the role for awhile and realized I was making a grave mistake by doing that.  I want happiness. and that is where I am.  Finding my happiness on every level and letting it find me~

Starting over...again

So much has happened since I have written in this blog.  I walked away from it a couple years ago, because a situation happened that frightened me. A reality that I did not want to face or have anyone that I knew, know about.  I am not going to get into details, but out of listening to someone elses perspective on what it could have been, I thought long and hard about it and decided to give it another go.  So many posts and people were deleted and I regret that now.  I dont like living in regret, so heres to starting over. again and again and again.