whisper

Random thoughts race some nights.  Ramblings that need desperately to be shouted across pen and paper,  yet still hide behind the ink.  Im afflicted... joyous, torn, put back together, broken apart, softly kissed and beaten down.  I am holding onto a spinning rope, and its on fire.  I am flying forward, yet running backwards.  I am going blind in a world full of his brightest colors.  Colors that make my heart sing.  Colors that have set me,my own sky, ablaze with my colorful stars swirling around the base of my neck, where his energy lives in my body.  protecting him from the silence of my soul. i keep his taste on my tongue.  our sweat and nectar pulse through each other.   It spins us into a single intertwined dance with words made of razors and roses, that have cut through the layers of my darkness, yet he holds back the light.  Casting me into silence and the whisper of these thoughts to my own heart~

Searching

As I enter into my late 30s, approaching the menacing "4s"  I am finding myself in this place of "searching"  I still havent figured out exactly what all this searching is about.  I just know i am in this space.  Some days are better than others.  I dont "feel" my age at all.  I still feel like Im 25.  This comes with pros and cons.  The pros are that I have more wisdom than I did back then.  The cons are that I have more wisdom than back then! There are days when I wish I hadn't experienced the typical pangs and heartaches that life has thrown at me, yet I feel blessed and honored that I have had the opportunities that life has bestowed upon me.  Without these "downfalls" i wouldnt be the person i have morphed into.  Yet Im still looking for that "delete" button on life.  I am quite honest and there are a few situations that I would love to just CTRL> ALT>DELETE on.  I wish I didnt know what sweet love can feel like.  At times the longing to experience that again with a kindred spirit, where words are not necessary to understand that somewhere along the twisted line we walk side by side, ebbing and flowing into this renegade journey of change and "making" the world a better place.  More so, causing fire in people to change and fight for what is right in humanity.  I have discovered with my travels and from holding community with people of other nations, that life here in the states really isnt so bad. Yet we continually complain about all we lack.  Truth be told we dont really lack anything in this country.  we are so blessed beyond our perception of what life should be that we get caught up in this make believe fairytale existence.   We are so blessed we dont even know it.  If we do indeed 'Lack' in this country, the only thing lacking is in our ability to look at real issues.  We lack here in community.  we dont gather anymore.  we dont know our neighbors.  we dont take time to say hello to strangers anymore.  we dont speak our minds.  we dont help each other.  we are too busy Facebooking about trivial word vomit.  too concerned with whats going on in celebrity news that we forget about what is going on in the world surrounding us and even closer, we dont take the time to understand the separation going on in our own communities and neighborhoods.  Why is it if you are friendly in your town or city, people think you are crazy or want something.  How have we become so distant from each other? when did this take place?  when did simple gestures, like saying "hello" to a passing stranger become strange?  who made up this 'new' rule.  Why cant we just be?  Why cant we just accept each other, care about what happens and vow to help each other out when the shit starts going down?  How do we avoid becoming so jaded, when there is so much that is beautiful surrounding us and so much that is worth everything. 

Even in my own misconstrued rants about my lack of love and communion with another kindred soul, i am starting to realize that its all a bunch of BS.  Why cant I just be happy and exist in this paradise without feeling emotionally insignificant.  Why do i allow that pain that comes haunting me when the world is quiet to affect me so much.  Why do i have this longing and sadness when in a "moment" that I wish someone was there to experience that feeling with me?  even with this knowledge I still struggle in this battle of life and love to find and experience that soul.  To walk all those final miles with someone that can just be there.  No expectations, we just exist to each other in such a profound way that words are not needed to understand.  we just flow on this wave of existence into whatever awaits at the end or beginning~

Let it Rain

The rain has been falling all day.  There is nothing in the world like the feel of rain running down your body.  Some of my best times have been had in the sweet rain.  I have made sure my entire life to get out in the rain as much as possible.  When I use to run, my favorite time to do it was in the rain.  Ive hiked, danced, gardened, climbed waterfalls, swam in lakes, made love, played and just about anything else you can think of, ive done in the rain.  I can recall an experience many years ago, when an ex made dinner and we ate outside, and it started raining.  both of us being free spirited, didnt even think twice, we laughed, fed each other, kissed and drank wine on top of the picnic table in the rain. 

When I moved here I didnt work for almost the first year.  I had saved up enough money and made enough money off my business to breath for a little while.  That was the best 9 months.  I got to experience the entire spring and summer in these temperate mountains.  I went to every festival, concert and event.  That was a particularly rainy spring and summer. I fell head over heels in love with this town and the people here during one of the many festivals. In most places when you go to a concert or festival, everyone runs if it rains.  Not here in the mountains.  This particular festival was one where it lasts 3 days and you can camp out.  We did. they have trance and drumming almost all nite or until everyone passes out. It was pouring rain.  and the trance was playing.  There were bodies everywhere dancing in the nite, with rain falling on everyone.  we were covered in leaves, dirt, laughter and excitement.  Im pretty sure Ive never danced that close with complete strangers (as i was still very new to asheville) completely soaked in rain and the woods and felt this wild tribal instinct.  I felt so connected.  Pagans often worship in the rain.  So celebrating into the nite honoring the rain was something that use to be primal tradition.  I got to experience that here.  In the magickal vortex of these mountains.  Dancing and making love in between these ley lines and feeling the earth come alive under your feet and body. Yes I love the rain.  and Yes I love the magick of the rain in these mountains~

Lost in all that is Found

There are days when everything in your existence aches.  Every thought, touch, memory, smell, taste.  Not in a sadness, but in a longing.  When what your soul craves stands on the other side of a veil. You can see it, feel it, smell it and almost hold it.  Yet this thin reality flows  between 2 worlds, bringing a haunting visceral fire of want vs need.  An antagonizing torment of knowing vs wishing. When your mind knows better, but your heart spins recklessly and your soul soars overhead watching the battle unleash between the "want vs need" only the soul knows which beast it will swoop down upon and consume into this paradise circus. 

At some point you recognize and accept who you are deep in the chambers that we lock ourselves up in.  Once in a lifetime someone comes along that forces you out of that chamber.  They speak the story you wrote...they dont even know it.  There are nites I go back over and read the past 20 yrs of my life.  The intoxicated rantings over loss, the muses of 3 a.m. desire and need.  the memories of razor blades dripping with heartache, empty bottles of wine and whiskey shattering with screams.  standing on the edge watching below while your mind is floating in the ethers of substance abuse.  I remember an instance where i stood dangling onto the edge of a bridge in Port Everglades, hanging on behind me to cables.  My hair was long then.  Wild.  I remember the feeling of the ocean air whipping my hair.  I sat there for 2 hours experiencing every twist and turn of my "high" laughing and wondering if that was what love felt like.  I was so free then.  Dancing carelessly under those grafitti bridges in the middle of the nite.  Carelessly floating in complete bliss through taboos.  Experiencing things in life that people look down on.  Being free.  I laughed, i sang, i made love like a temptress, i played with fire, i was fire.  I made art, i wrote.  I wrote messages all over my city under those bridges.  My musings of desire and passion and what i wanted love to be.  I broke into abandoned buildings and painted swirls of stars all over walls.  I was me.  Unfiltered.  Uncensored.  I made no apologizies.  I didnt have to.  I was accepted. "Love" found me.  I ran.  I ran like violent wind ripping through trees.  I eventually gave way to allowing.  I was the queen of our obscure world.  The beautiful Muse.  Déesse Noire.  Handed everything on bended knee and bowed head.  we worshipped into the night.  Soared into the stars.  Then...i was cast from my own heaven.  forced to walk into hell and face truths.  Truths that were spoken to me like a foreign language.  Unthinkable betrayal discovered.  It was too hard for me to accept what had come to the surface.  So i became numb.  i went deep.  hid in those chambers in the darkness of my nite.  Lamenting my loss of forever...

Many years have passed since those days. Numbness has become longing.  To my surprise my fires grew stronger.  The feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the nite like a ghost in your room, telling you to run free again under the moonlight.  Soar again to the stars, make love again like a wild animal, dance, celebrate your body, soul, and senses.  find your passion, become your art, experience the substance, write your soul. Allow. Again~

Missing Home Ramblings

Tonite has been difficult.  I am missing home with a fierceness.  I always get sad this time of year.  I dont have the "core" of friends and loved ones here that I have back home.  Some days I contemplate just packing up Willow and myself and leaving.  Things are so different here.  Ive never really acclamated to it.  I love Asheville.  Asheville is home now but its still different.  I was raised around so much culture. I lived in a melting pot in SE Florida.  It always boggles my mind when people say they love Asheville because it has so much diversity.  Really??? Now I suppose depending on your definition of diversity, maybe..Asheville is not diverse people! Eclectic, yes.  Otherwise its just a bunch of weird white people running around.  Which is all good! Thats what we love about our city, but as far as culture goes, you could fit it in one hand. I miss my old neighborhood.  I miss the food, music, the openess of people, the crazy shit that is the norm. I havent had real Cuban, ethiopian, korean, el salvadorian, peruvian or island food since I left home (aside from when I go back home to visit) I miss the diversity of my friends.  Every race, ethnicity, sexual preference, social status, religious preference etc.  we just all melded together.  No cliques or people that are all just like each other.  People get crazy here from time to time about only socializing with like-minded people.  Dont get me wrong I want to keep good company, but good company can be found in any "clique" of people.  I dont understand why people dont mix better here.  Im not sure if I ever will get use to this.  I completely cant get use to the way people socialize here.  AT ALL.  I like to go out and have drinks at bars just like most people, but I would much rather have people over for drinks.  People dont do that here.  Everybody meets at bars or restaurants.  Nobody hangs out in the neighborhood on the porch here??  Whats wrong with these people?? People dont get together and cook dinners or BBQ or anything.  Nothing.  If they do its for an occassion and even that is rare.  I crave that.  And yes I do go out, if i didnt I would have no social life at all.  I think next year I might just boycott all bars and stay home! Besides Im the best bartender I know! Mostly I miss the absolute random and beauty of all my diverse friends.  Our get togethers, several nites a week.  consuming way to many bottles of wine, dancing in the kitchen, while cooking and just being complete goofballs.  My bestfriend and I waltzing in the kitchen, bc nobody else could waltz or spin like we could.  dancing on the kitchen table to The Cure, Joy Division, Flaming Lips, New Order,  Depeche Mode etc.  The annual neighborhood/block Halloween party, Christmas, New Years, too many absolutely ridiculous 4th of July parties, so many birthday parties i lost count and the all random gatherings every week, for anything we could think of to just be a community. All the kids (because everyone had kids accept me and 2 others) running around playing and having a great time. life just was...as it should be.   Yes, I miss home.  Thank Goddess its only a 10 hr drive away and I have perfected the skill of doing it straight thru overnight without stopping and making it home just in time to sit on the sand on the beach and feel the cool salty morning air whip through my hair and watch the sunrise. Time for a roadtrip~

Crash Into...Me...and You

Reckless...to my heart.  Crash.  It was there.  Like lightning bringing fire.  I wore my soul naked in front of you.  Exposed.  In front of the entire hidden world that never saw us. Crash. On fire.  Burn.  and Explode. Turn into dust. Stardust that haunts our senses every time our potion and essence pass through the ether's surrounding each other.  Spinning off purple sparks of sensations wicked memory.  And I explode.  again.  Into you.  and you into me. 

And that pretty accurately describes exactly what I'm dealing with tonite in a very cryptic and veiled explanation.  Elusive to all accept the most unlikely creature....