Numb

Tonite is one of those nites.  One of those raw moments of Jenn.  I have these from time to time.  I use to just paint when I had these moments, but as of late, with all the stress all motivation for art has gone by the wayside.  I was in Asheville and when it was time to head home I was gonna take the alternate route across the mountains instead of around them via highway.  I was going to try to see someone also, but then figured it would probably be an effort made in vain so i went against my gut and took the highway and proceeded to sit in traffic forever.  now i know when i leave downtown asheville at that time ALWAYS take the alternate route.  it may be a few miles longer and maybe take a few minutes longer, but the scenery through the mountains I love sure beat being stuck behind 18 wheelers on the highway....so i came home and opened my last bottle of my new favorite wine a sweet red called "cherry on top"  and who knows when I will be able to buy another bottle.  I was still employed when I bought every bottle that Ingles had! so that sucked.  then i sit down, cant read bc im stressed and I cant focus.  dont like hiking in the dark unless im with someone, especially around here bc we have bobcats and coyotes and they are aggressive. So i put on the TV.  pbs isnt so bad oh except tonite its about the holidays.   by this point im on glass 2 of vino....fucking waterworks....i love this time of year.  its always been my favorite.  i love autumn and i love winter. I love being with friends and loved ones during this time of year.  Im all about cooking for people and spending time together and having good times, bonfires when its cold outside, getting snowed in with awesome company and lots of alcohol.  Last year was horrible for me around this time.  I was so pregnant and going threw the stress of my relationship ending and just trying to stay positive for my baby that was due at anytime.  and now its here again.  this time with a completely new reality.  My baby girls first Samhain and Yule and her first bday shortly after.  Even though I knew this was going to happen,  i never could have imagined how it was going to affect me.  and before I know it, she will be talking and asking questions. Wondering why she doesnt have a dad around.  What if she doesnt have that positive male role model in her life. am i setting her up for a lifetime of disaster and feeling abandoned?   I remember when i was a little girl.  my dad was my hero.  i followed him around and tried to do everything he did.  In my eyes there was nothing he couldnt do.  I remember always feeling safe and secure bc my dad could fix anything and make anything happen.  the thought that she may not grow up with someone like that to look up to, makes my heart shatter.  All these firsts....who doesnt want to see a baby take its first steps or say their first word or dress up for their first halloween and their eyes on christmas morning.  why would anybody want to miss these moments.  Im  just wishing under this moon that she will be ok.  that it will all work out.  

about a month or so ago i blogged about the thought of not having more babies. I never thought i would have a baby.  ever.  i gave up the dream of that years ago, having a string of partners that never wanted kids for more than 10 yrs of my life, i dove head first into carreer and everything else.  and then it happened.  I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  When Willow came my whole world changed.  I cant believe i had my first baby at 35.  the thought of that boggles my mind.  and now the thought of not having more takes me to a place that i cant even put words to.  there are no words that can describe the moment a child is born.  it is like an internal calling from the earth herself.  its sacred beyond all that is sacred. I dont like the thought that I wont experience that again.  I dont like the thought that I wont give someone the gift of a child.  Making a person is amazing! Its not just a baby.  Its a soul, thats part you and part another soul.   I still dont understand it.  My head cant wrap around that much beauty.  When 2 souls come together and make another soul that will go into the world and offer whats inside them to make the world a better place.  Sacred isnt a good enough description for it... and these are the musings in my mind tonite~      

Time flies when your (NOT) having fun

and 2 years later said the girl with the star tattoos.......or so i was fondly named and unknowingly known as :) 

I dont even know where to start.  my life should be a television show or atleast a really good book.   This life has flown me all over the place in the past 2 years.  Ive gone from one end of the mountains to the other, made some amazing friends, learned some great skills, i closed a chapter of my life with a partner of many years(finally) and started a new one with the birth of my daughter, Willow Isabel.  I am starting yet another new chapter of my life with the recent ending of my employment with a company i spent many years with.  It turned my life upside down and yet at the same time has turned it completely around.  Right now, I just "am" I don't really know what is coming, and even though I have the ability and clairvoyance to find out, I choose not to.  I like the element of surprise.  I've never been one to abuse any gifts i was given.  that is one that I clearly do not abuse or things would have obviously been alot easier! Life is what it is.  Even though there are crazy challenges, doubt, fear etc, these are the things that mold us into the "who" we are.  I would never want to compromise myself of that journey.  so i choose to experience rather than walk knowingly.  Its kinda like love spells.  People ask me all the time to do them. I dont do them. EVER. i dont believe in it.  I think its fucking with the inevitable.  What is, will happen, what is not, should not be.  People often dont know what they are asking for.  I look at seeing the future much in the same way.  if I steered clear of every challenge i knew was coming, i would have no character, no strength and no accomplishment.  Although I am half way threw to the other side of the "mother" journey of maiden, mother, crone.  I imagine in the future, i will probably choose different.  if my character gets anymore colorful, i will have to invent a new spectrum of colors for the rainbow.     

I am as always a hopeless optimist.  I have not yet lost that part of me.  And yes, the answer to the million dollar question that everyone is always asking that I am always so reluctant to answer, Yes, I am ready to move forward with love.  I have been for quite sometime.  As I had the conversation with my friend Rebecca quite some time ago.  I mourned the loss of my partner, years before i closed the door.  Closing the door on a completely unconventional, untimely and honestly an embarrasing situation was the hard part.  It was not closing a door on love, as the song went, love dont live here anymore.  It was opening a new door where people judged.  I can handle judgement for myself.  Ive always been different and always been judged.  But i had no idea how I would handle people judging my daughter and the path I had chosen for her and I.  I stayed quiet and played the role for awhile and realized I was making a grave mistake by doing that.  I want happiness. and that is where I am.  Finding my happiness on every level and letting it find me~

Starting over...again

So much has happened since I have written in this blog.  I walked away from it a couple years ago, because a situation happened that frightened me. A reality that I did not want to face or have anyone that I knew, know about.  I am not going to get into details, but out of listening to someone elses perspective on what it could have been, I thought long and hard about it and decided to give it another go.  So many posts and people were deleted and I regret that now.  I dont like living in regret, so heres to starting over. again and again and again.