Numb

Tonite is one of those nites.  One of those raw moments of Jenn.  I have these from time to time.  I use to just paint when I had these moments, but as of late, with all the stress all motivation for art has gone by the wayside.  I was in Asheville and when it was time to head home I was gonna take the alternate route across the mountains instead of around them via highway.  I was going to try to see someone also, but then figured it would probably be an effort made in vain so i went against my gut and took the highway and proceeded to sit in traffic forever.  now i know when i leave downtown asheville at that time ALWAYS take the alternate route.  it may be a few miles longer and maybe take a few minutes longer, but the scenery through the mountains I love sure beat being stuck behind 18 wheelers on the highway....so i came home and opened my last bottle of my new favorite wine a sweet red called "cherry on top"  and who knows when I will be able to buy another bottle.  I was still employed when I bought every bottle that Ingles had! so that sucked.  then i sit down, cant read bc im stressed and I cant focus.  dont like hiking in the dark unless im with someone, especially around here bc we have bobcats and coyotes and they are aggressive. So i put on the TV.  pbs isnt so bad oh except tonite its about the holidays.   by this point im on glass 2 of vino....fucking waterworks....i love this time of year.  its always been my favorite.  i love autumn and i love winter. I love being with friends and loved ones during this time of year.  Im all about cooking for people and spending time together and having good times, bonfires when its cold outside, getting snowed in with awesome company and lots of alcohol.  Last year was horrible for me around this time.  I was so pregnant and going threw the stress of my relationship ending and just trying to stay positive for my baby that was due at anytime.  and now its here again.  this time with a completely new reality.  My baby girls first Samhain and Yule and her first bday shortly after.  Even though I knew this was going to happen,  i never could have imagined how it was going to affect me.  and before I know it, she will be talking and asking questions. Wondering why she doesnt have a dad around.  What if she doesnt have that positive male role model in her life. am i setting her up for a lifetime of disaster and feeling abandoned?   I remember when i was a little girl.  my dad was my hero.  i followed him around and tried to do everything he did.  In my eyes there was nothing he couldnt do.  I remember always feeling safe and secure bc my dad could fix anything and make anything happen.  the thought that she may not grow up with someone like that to look up to, makes my heart shatter.  All these firsts....who doesnt want to see a baby take its first steps or say their first word or dress up for their first halloween and their eyes on christmas morning.  why would anybody want to miss these moments.  Im  just wishing under this moon that she will be ok.  that it will all work out.  

about a month or so ago i blogged about the thought of not having more babies. I never thought i would have a baby.  ever.  i gave up the dream of that years ago, having a string of partners that never wanted kids for more than 10 yrs of my life, i dove head first into carreer and everything else.  and then it happened.  I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  When Willow came my whole world changed.  I cant believe i had my first baby at 35.  the thought of that boggles my mind.  and now the thought of not having more takes me to a place that i cant even put words to.  there are no words that can describe the moment a child is born.  it is like an internal calling from the earth herself.  its sacred beyond all that is sacred. I dont like the thought that I wont experience that again.  I dont like the thought that I wont give someone the gift of a child.  Making a person is amazing! Its not just a baby.  Its a soul, thats part you and part another soul.   I still dont understand it.  My head cant wrap around that much beauty.  When 2 souls come together and make another soul that will go into the world and offer whats inside them to make the world a better place.  Sacred isnt a good enough description for it... and these are the musings in my mind tonite~      

Time flies when your (NOT) having fun

and 2 years later said the girl with the star tattoos.......or so i was fondly named and unknowingly known as :) 

I dont even know where to start.  my life should be a television show or atleast a really good book.   This life has flown me all over the place in the past 2 years.  Ive gone from one end of the mountains to the other, made some amazing friends, learned some great skills, i closed a chapter of my life with a partner of many years(finally) and started a new one with the birth of my daughter, Willow Isabel.  I am starting yet another new chapter of my life with the recent ending of my employment with a company i spent many years with.  It turned my life upside down and yet at the same time has turned it completely around.  Right now, I just "am" I don't really know what is coming, and even though I have the ability and clairvoyance to find out, I choose not to.  I like the element of surprise.  I've never been one to abuse any gifts i was given.  that is one that I clearly do not abuse or things would have obviously been alot easier! Life is what it is.  Even though there are crazy challenges, doubt, fear etc, these are the things that mold us into the "who" we are.  I would never want to compromise myself of that journey.  so i choose to experience rather than walk knowingly.  Its kinda like love spells.  People ask me all the time to do them. I dont do them. EVER. i dont believe in it.  I think its fucking with the inevitable.  What is, will happen, what is not, should not be.  People often dont know what they are asking for.  I look at seeing the future much in the same way.  if I steered clear of every challenge i knew was coming, i would have no character, no strength and no accomplishment.  Although I am half way threw to the other side of the "mother" journey of maiden, mother, crone.  I imagine in the future, i will probably choose different.  if my character gets anymore colorful, i will have to invent a new spectrum of colors for the rainbow.     

I am as always a hopeless optimist.  I have not yet lost that part of me.  And yes, the answer to the million dollar question that everyone is always asking that I am always so reluctant to answer, Yes, I am ready to move forward with love.  I have been for quite sometime.  As I had the conversation with my friend Rebecca quite some time ago.  I mourned the loss of my partner, years before i closed the door.  Closing the door on a completely unconventional, untimely and honestly an embarrasing situation was the hard part.  It was not closing a door on love, as the song went, love dont live here anymore.  It was opening a new door where people judged.  I can handle judgement for myself.  Ive always been different and always been judged.  But i had no idea how I would handle people judging my daughter and the path I had chosen for her and I.  I stayed quiet and played the role for awhile and realized I was making a grave mistake by doing that.  I want happiness. and that is where I am.  Finding my happiness on every level and letting it find me~

Starting over...again

So much has happened since I have written in this blog.  I walked away from it a couple years ago, because a situation happened that frightened me. A reality that I did not want to face or have anyone that I knew, know about.  I am not going to get into details, but out of listening to someone elses perspective on what it could have been, I thought long and hard about it and decided to give it another go.  So many posts and people were deleted and I regret that now.  I dont like living in regret, so heres to starting over. again and again and again.  

Brrrrrr....from the Mountain

Today I decided to make my daily pilgrimage to the new house....craziness!!! 

 its cold and snowed in.  i actually had to turn around and come back.  the snow was so deep and icey underneath.  its one thing to drive on snow, but different when its ice under it.  this is a picture of the road about 1/2 mile before the house

 as soon as i got around the curve it was a complete wall of white snow blowing and about a foot of snow on the road.  i made it as far up as the house and decided it was time to retreat! i got to experience a very cool thing, a snow tornado.  i wish i would have thought to take pics of it, but quite honestly i was almost peeing my pants, i was so scared.  it cut across our land which is a huge open field.  at first i didn't realize what it was, until the huge truck in front of us slammed on his brakes, because it was sporadically jumping around in the field and making a path in the snow. at that point i was shaking and decided that we should just sit still and pray until it was gone.  i have no idea what kind of damage a snow tornado can do when your car is sitting on a road that is covered in snow and ice....needless to say it dissipated and i went on my way only to stop not to much further along.  the tornado should have been a warning. but i never listen.  when i came around the curve and was hit with a wall of white snow, it literally was like walking into a waterfall except there was no 'other side' i could not see jacks*i*! i made it to the front of my house sat there for a few minutes contemplating what to do, snapped a few pictures and then saw the cars that were ahead of me had turned around and were now heading back towards me. the house is about a mile or less away from where the road that is relatively straight starts to slither and wind up and around the infamous Doggett Mountain which is known for its treacherous switchback curves on steep inclines....at that point i figured they had closed the road as i had seen on a local blog that many roads along this region and stretching into Tennessee had been closed because of 0 visibility and impassable snow.  Time to head back to Asheville before i cant get out of here! Hah! not so fast! not before getting stuck trying to make a 3 point turn in the middle of an icey road with about a foot of snow on it! What was i thinking! why didnt i pull up into a driveway and just reverse and pull forward, some of you may not think this is a driving maneuver that would matter, but i can promise you on a road with ice and a foot of snow in near white out conditions, yeah, it matters.  it took me about 5 minutes maybe longer to make the turn.  i literally had to inch by inch turn the car around.  it was more like a 100 point turn! if you go too far back it wont stop sliding backwards if you pull too far forward, it wont stop sliding forward, so you have to literally cradle yourself in snow grooves lol. and of course all of this seems like a far more daunting and dangerous task when its 0 visibility.  when its not snowing, you just laugh about it like teenagers and somebody gets out and pushes the car until you are not stuck.  its fun then, especially if there is no traffic waiting on you.....

Winter

Winter is here...Peaceful solitude. I love the winter. the beauty of first snowfall, seeing the mountains naked without leaves on the trees that normally hide secret treasures along the floors of these old hills. Spectacular balds are revealed, mountain spring creeks, waterfalls and coves. secret swimming holes iced over. mysterious caves that you may have driven by a thousand times and never saw. Massive old grove trees that are well hidden in the spring and summer. I like to imagine when i find these trees that once upon a time our ancestors gathered around them to commune with nature when this land was still a wild frontier. I imagine the wonder they must have experienced walking the land. I wonder if it was the same excitement i feel. I connect more and more on a daily basis. My heart is at peace in these sacred mountains.

I have a growing anticipation for spring already. Im moving into a mountainous rural area about 20 miles west of Asheville. This was a decision made after long contemplation. A series of events that placed me exactly where i want to be. For once i followed the signs and went with the flow instead of treading lightly i jumped, head first. Surrendered to worry and doubt and allowed my inner child to be impulsive. I didnt weigh my options or make a list of doubts and compare them to the advantages. i jumped. Im looking forward to the solitude. Exploring deeper. Im looking forward to the bond that connects us as one to the land, the air and a community with strong roots. I am moving onto a farm that the family that owns a vast majority of the area has been there since before this area was developed or named or even had roads. The Matriarch of this family was born on the very land she will die on, and has resided here for 85 years. 85 years! and before that her mother and grandmother were born on this same land. A true family homestead that i have been blessed to share with them. I am grateful for this. What an honor.

I anticipate the arrival of the warmer weather to explore this new terrain. to become wild with the wild. I look forward to becoming one with the mossy oaks and cascading spring creeks. exploring real abandoned homesteads, not the ones that are on the beaten path that the state has purchased and turned into tourist traps. The ones high upon a mountain bald that have no roads that you can comfortably drive up onto. The homesteads that have been forgotten that require the journey of a long hike to be rewarded with a jewel of the past. A part of real history. the history that hasnt been buffed and shined by the media. Raw life. Real life. Love, pain, struggle, survival. I am excited to be deeper into the mountains cradle. Living in the Great Smokey Mountains. Sacred land. Land where the Elk and mountain lion once roamed and according to some still do. some of the elders still talk of the "painters" or in other words panthers, mountain lions. i have been told by many that these supposed cats, are still here indeed. a secret kept by locals that have lived in these parts for generations in order to preserve them to their native land without being completely diminished by hunters. I always wondered why on earth they have a law that protects these animals and makes it illegal for them to be hunted when they supposedly dont exist...why would you protect something that doesnt exist? that would be like putting up a protection act for elephants in NYC?? Of course they exist. in this vast land of areas still unexplored it is impossible to believe that every single one of these animals were hunted out. these animals are smarter than we are. they were here and thrived before we came here. Understandably i can appreciate why the false rumors were circulated. first and foremost for tourists. it would either drive away tourists or irresponsibly put them in harms way, when you have some not so wise city person trying to lure a mountain lion for pictures and then become lunch....we see it happen every year with the bears. there will undoubtedly be a case somewhere on the Blue Ridge Parkway where some tourist will lure a bear with food, get injured and then the animal has to be euthanized because of laws. maybe we should reverse the law, in order to protect the bears??? i mean really people, lets be smart. you dont feed wild animals, ever. period. especially one that can kill you easily. this reminds me of a quote by Aldo Leopold "We abuse the land because we regard it as a community belonging to us. When we see land as a community to which we belong, we may begin to use it with love and respect" These animals are a part of this land and should be respected.

New friendships, new connections, new land and rekindled connection to sacred soil are all being prepared by the Spring soil of my life. This is all being nourished by the winter slumber of my new reality. growing like the seeds hidden deep in the dirt anticipating the return of the sun.

I leave this post with lyrics of a song i relate to especially in this time
Witches Rune
Darksome Night and Shining Moon
Balance of the dark and light,
hearken ye our Witch's Rune,
as we perform our sacred rite!

With earth and water, air and fire,
by blade and bowl and circle round,
we come to you with our desire:
let all that is hidden now be found!

With censor, candle, book and sword,
and ringing of the altar bell,
we tie a knot within our cord
to bind our magic in a spell.

Mother of the summer fields,
goddess of the silver moon,
join with us as power builds!
dance with us our witch's rune!

Father of the Summer dew
Hunter of the winter snows
With open arms we welcome you!
Dance with us as power grows!

By all the light of moon and sun,
by all the might of land and sea,
chant the rune and it is done.
As we will, so mote it be!

Full Circle

Tonite I really just dont know exactly what to write, but all I do know is that i need this, to write that is. So much going on in my world, yet nothing going on at all. Hence why this needing to purge in words has come forth.

North Carolina has been good to me, in fact the way my life is going, this is the best its ever been. I should be grateful right?? Yes I am. Grateful for the land i am blessed to live on, sacred soil. grateful for the seasons. grateful for the comfy house up on a mountain protected by the preserve on the Blue Ridge Parkway. grateful for a prosperous job. grateful for the new reliable transportation that this job has given me. grateful. I am. but.....there is always a but.....

about a month ago, my very dear friend, whom has also been going through this same dilemma, finally reached her breaking point,she hit a wall. the reality wall. the wall that wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you jump out of bed and say "what the fuck am i doing!!!"

this action that i watched her go through made me start to question myself. the introvert that i am, started mentally working overtime. quite typical. usually the time when i am the quietest is the time when everyone needs to watch out. through meditation, long drives, sitting quietly, observing and reflecting, i believe i figured it out.  I've got this life down, I need something new now, something different.

i realized at that point what the problem was. many many moons ago, i had a dream :) this dream still makes me giggly and smiley and happy all over. I told my friends and family I was going to the mountains in NC one day. this was so long ago, i cant even remember how long ago (over 10 years ago). i dreamed of a life i wanted. i saw my future, made it exactly what i wanted it to be.  dreamed it big, crazy and out there, as i often do. i never apologize for my grandiose imagination because it has never let me down. being the city girl that i was, people laughed at me,  they told me i was nuts and could never make it in the mountains...and for all those people i have a big "HaHa" for them. not only did i make it, but i am kicking ass up here and doing better than i have ever done before! but enough of that, i dont hate on anyone, most of it was done in good fun and out of concern. afterall what the hell was a downtown, city girl  gonna do up in the mountains of North Carolina!

this brings me to the exhaustion part mixed in with mass confusion for months. i started to develop a complex about being here. i was tired, not many friends, learning that my relationship was really over so  i moved out.   where is this person coming from??? did i make a mistake, should i go back home???the taurus in me refused. i knew there had to be more. and here is the answer. i realized that i had completely put my dream aside. i moved here with so much hope, so much excitement and stars in my eyes. somewhere along the line of trying to re-adjust and learn a new land, people, culture. i forgot why i came here. i fell right back into the mundane. i allowed myself to become completely consumed with absolutely nothing! and i call it nothing for this reason. I have already done this life. i have already accomplished these goals. i have fought blood, sweat and tears and worked my way to the top, i have put in my time, and earned my keep and yes i have the scars to prove it! i won that battle, before i ever left the state of florida.

how could i not be exhausted! i totally fell back into the same rat race that i worked so hard one time already to get the hell out of! I vowed to myself a different way of life. we dreamed together. sat up late at night like 2 school kids devising their big runaway. me the artist, him the farmer, us the dynamic duo, living off the grid, learning how to make what some call "roughing it" our way of life, yet at the same time, partnering modern day technology with survivalist skills. making a marriage between the skills of our ancestors of the past and the children of the future. Then that came crashing down.  Everything changed.  I dont know why and probably never will.  I no longer had a partner in this dream. His goals changed.   i still want my goats and chickens and huge organic farm. I dont want to be stuck for the rest of my life married to a way of life that i already succeeded at, failed and succeeded again. I already did that! i  just wanted a simpler life, free of the stress of the rat race. a place where i could  have my love for animals, vegetables, fruits, nature, plants, artistic expression. i had a dream, and i still have one (or 10) sooo........
STEP 1. live the dream <3>

North Carolina

North Carolina is beautiful in the late summer. The nights are getting cooler. In the upper elevations the leaves are starting to change. even in my own yard, i am reminded to hold onto those green summer days, as i can see the hints of gold and orange flowing from my oaks. in the 4 months i have been here now my passion for nature and connection with Gaia has grown stronger than i could have ever possibly imagined. my entire exsistence here is consumed by the ground beneath me. i didnt think it possible to love the universe more. i. am. still. learning.

every morning hummingbirds come to visit my front porch. they play in between my colored hanging bottles. it is quite a sight to see these little creatures zooming around and around bottles. they have created their own race track/obstacle course. i also have the most brilliant butterflies imaginable. GIANT. all black with yellow spots, solid yellow and these dark iridescent blue ones with enormous wings. every once in a while i will see gigantic solid white ones too. in the early summer up in the mountains near the creeks on the rocks you will find groves and swarms of these beautiful creatures. they have no fear of you at all. one day i went and sat on a rock with my feet in the water and they just landed all over and around me. your almost scared to breath in fear that the moment might end.

the wildlife is frolicking in the cool summer nights. almost any night that you go out, you will see animals everywhere. owls, what i believe to be foxes or very young wolves, deer, and even cougars. im not sure what they are exactly because i am not familiar with what we have in this region, but they are either, cougar or bobcats. I live only a couple miles from pisgah national forest, so i have a huge variety of critters running around. last week i spotted a huge white owl. the wingspan had to be close to six feet. they are not common here, but they do migrate. from my understanding they are prevelant in canada, but as the weather starts to cool in the mountains, people do spot these glorious beasts in our area. i have only glanced one bear. he was gone as quick as he came. teenage bears are a little akward looking because they havent fully developed into their full physique. i honestly was scared and didnt know what it was. we have beavers, woodchucks, and ground hogs everywhere you turn....and bunnies, bunnies and more bunnies. i live in a bird sanctuary so i could not count the varieties of birds if i had the ability to. gigantic moths, which i am fascinated with outside my side patio. they are honestly about the size of a sparrow (some bigger) and are bright yellow and others are pale blue. they are so huge their heads almost look like an owls head. sometimes i feel like i am living in a truly magickal (and psychadelic) forest. but as these magickal days and nights slowly fade, into the earths early slumber (autumn) i will welcome and treasure finally being in the full circle of life. being one with the four seasons. walking the path of my ancestors. Namaste.