Haunt

battling demons.  never fun.  spent the evening reading old emails from an ex.  THE EX....the one that crashed my world down years ago.  still...battling....its crazy how one person, no matter how many years have passed by (8 years to be exact) can ignite such heartbreak in a current situation.  some things are instilled so deep that just the mere mention of words, a sentence, an excuse or line that a current lover uses as well, can bring it all back.  Today I was told "i dont think you will ever TRUST me or any man" i resist that statement, but i cant help but wonder if there is truth to it.  I cant help but feel sad for my own heart at the thought that what if this is in fact true.  what if I am so damaged, so broken from so many lies and devestation that rocked my world to the core, sent me into a downward spiral, and made me runaway for months without even contacting a soul to let them know I was alive, what if it never leaves my side.  how do you stop this pattern.  I think its all gone, and then there it is again.  my heart jumped out of my body today.  a situation that was a daily occurence in that relationship many many moons ago, happened today.  every single lie, excuse and haunt festered inside my soul and exploded as if it was yesterday.  it was years ago.  I was so mad.  it was like "he" the bastard was standing in front of me again, spewing the same bullshit that I believed for years.  except this time I automatically didnt believe because I automatically timewarped back to 8+ years ago.  STILL....FUCK....i consulted with a friend back home, what do i do.  she told me I need to be in front of him and get it all out.  I honestly feared even the thought.  I would hit him with a car.  I would reverse and do it twice.  I have a folder full of emails from this bastard, ( i have them forwarded because I refuse to read them)  he is still sending them.  apologizing for everything he did to me.  I dont think there will ever be an apology big enough, deep enough or sincere enough for me not to want to grab a baseball bat and hit him or burn down his house that still displays every piece of artwork that I exhibited that he took.  Its not that im just mad at him for what he did in the past.  im still mad at him for what goes on in my head every day in my present.  that I punish another soul for his wrong doings.  I want to beat him for what my current lover goes through because of him.  I want to pull out my brain and cut out the memory of those years.  I want to find the time machine and go back and I want to keep walking the other way when he walked by me and handed me that fucking rose when i was a beautiful young woman walking down that street to the bar.  full of light and happiness.  full of color.  a gypsy soul.  the same gypsy that the bastard has tattooed on his arm with my name "estrella" under it with a star with my favorite colors in it.  every time i see that picture of me, that he took that I loved so much, i want to throw up.  I pray that his arm falls off so he can never see my face again.  boxes of letters and poems still haunt me.  music written for me, artwork on peoples walls of my body.  I just want to be normal.  no complications.  i am my own worse enemy...i know this