Cry

Today I just need to cry.  Im tired.  Everything is a disaster.  I do want to give up.  im one of those people.  when my soul is hurting, i just go away.  i dont like the attention, because i dont want to talk about it...to people.  i live such a pretend life to everyone i know these days.  its my job.  smile and look pretty.  im such a wreck inside that im pretty sure i would get sent away if anyone knew.  i cry alot.  when nobody is looking.  mostly in the shower.  its the only place i can be alone.  willow seems to be the only one that knows when ive been crying.  she will come sit behind me and put her hands on my back as if she is doing reiki or something.  I dont know what to make of it except that she is doing whatever feels natural to her as a way to console me.  but yet she has never seen me cry.  she just knows.  she is special.  i dont just say that bc she is mine.  people notice it.  i feel bad for her.  she has her mamas curse.  knowing things has never been easy.  to be honest, it sucks.  i wish i didnt.  i wish i was normal and could be blind to peoples deeds.  i wish i was like other girls that just wonder aimlessly in life, blissful and ignorant.  i wish magick wasnt in my veins so that i could be powerless with my own thoughts and feelings. only people that have no power feel that powerful thoughts and feelings are good.  they have to work towards it.   just to be normal would be serene.  staying silent is hard.  only the closest ones know.  i can name them on one hand.  My one friend thinks its a gift.  i tell her its not a gift.  MOST things, i dont want to know. but i cant stop it.  this is why i feel bad for Willow.  with the sweet comes the sour.  there is more sour.  and sometimes even the sweet turns into sour or sadness.  for example.  seeing a couple, her heart is madly in love with him, she blatently doesnt show it, acts cool calm and collected (most people probably think she is a bitch) but her heart is so pure to him.  explodes inside.  that is a happy sweet thing to know right!! wrong....he just cheated on her.  his hands are sweating and he keeps picking at a thread on his jeans bc he just left her and is nervous someone that saw him with her is going to now see him with his girlfriend.  when she finds out ( bc she will) most people will feel she deserves it.  but what they dont know is the death she will silently die a thousand times inside her.  nobody will ever know.  but me.  I get to know the truths.  this is why i came to the mountains, to escape to nature. its why i have always preferred living out in the middle of nowhere.  silence is divine.  not constantly experiencing (mentally) peoples "shit"  is like being able to breathe.  knowing too much in my relationships with people has become overwhelming.  when i have had boyfriends i have tried to make it like a game (its my way of coping) 'lets see how long he can keep this lie up'  'does he think i cant smell that'  'hahahahaha, that girl is NOT going to EVER do that with you'  'he really thinks i believe that he was in a meeting, then running errands, lets see how grand the lie is about the meeting' ....it has become a game for me.  my favorite is when they ask me why Im so silent. i cant believe what has just come out of someones mouth verses what really took place.   i just need a break.