where I stood

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think, I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I, I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

Read more: Missy Higgins - Where I Stood Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

if you think you can

if you think you can be something that I am not....if you think you can offer something I dont.  let me tell you his story that I wrote.   Im here and im not going anywhere.  I listen.   I know him.  the past, the present and the lack of future and I stay. i stay because no amount of security could match the loss and guilt in his heart if I left.   i know why he cries.  he cries because I know every part of him.  I know the parts that no one else knows.  I know the asshole.  the bastard.  the snob.  the ego maniac.  the filthy proprietor of empty words scrambled down onto black keys in the late night to soothe and satisfy his urge to prove that he can still swoon and settle a score in a nameless, faceless and meaningless depths of a woman.   He is the most insecure being on the planet that walks with a lie.  that lie personifies a cool, trendy, romantic confidence.  He is a scared young boy in an old body begging to just cave in and surrender.  He hands me his fears, his tears, his broken soul hoping I dont drop it to the floor when i see shinier objects in my path, but to cradle it and heal it until it shines again.  He begs for me to see him.  Pleads for me to surrender.  Slices his heart open for me to understand his existence.  And all the while, as he cries and begs and pleads, he knows deep in his soul that I am her.  I am the other half of the free spirited warrior.  I am the one that will never leave.  i will never abandon him.  Though I am resistant to the ego, my soul serves only him.  He knows this in his depths.  He knows i worship his very breath.  We ebb and flow into our own death and rebirth every night.  It is a dance that only him and I can do.  It is our dance.  we are a spiral flame.  electricity.  lightning striking the cool ocean and dancing on the surface.  beautiful and dangerous.  We were cast into each others mold and forged with each others passion of humanity lifetimes ago.  We will die for it, hence we will die for each other.  time and time again.  so if you think you can love him more than I do.....

Haunt

battling demons.  never fun.  spent the evening reading old emails from an ex.  THE EX....the one that crashed my world down years ago.  still...battling....its crazy how one person, no matter how many years have passed by (8 years to be exact) can ignite such heartbreak in a current situation.  some things are instilled so deep that just the mere mention of words, a sentence, an excuse or line that a current lover uses as well, can bring it all back.  Today I was told "i dont think you will ever TRUST me or any man" i resist that statement, but i cant help but wonder if there is truth to it.  I cant help but feel sad for my own heart at the thought that what if this is in fact true.  what if I am so damaged, so broken from so many lies and devestation that rocked my world to the core, sent me into a downward spiral, and made me runaway for months without even contacting a soul to let them know I was alive, what if it never leaves my side.  how do you stop this pattern.  I think its all gone, and then there it is again.  my heart jumped out of my body today.  a situation that was a daily occurence in that relationship many many moons ago, happened today.  every single lie, excuse and haunt festered inside my soul and exploded as if it was yesterday.  it was years ago.  I was so mad.  it was like "he" the bastard was standing in front of me again, spewing the same bullshit that I believed for years.  except this time I automatically didnt believe because I automatically timewarped back to 8+ years ago.  STILL....FUCK....i consulted with a friend back home, what do i do.  she told me I need to be in front of him and get it all out.  I honestly feared even the thought.  I would hit him with a car.  I would reverse and do it twice.  I have a folder full of emails from this bastard, ( i have them forwarded because I refuse to read them)  he is still sending them.  apologizing for everything he did to me.  I dont think there will ever be an apology big enough, deep enough or sincere enough for me not to want to grab a baseball bat and hit him or burn down his house that still displays every piece of artwork that I exhibited that he took.  Its not that im just mad at him for what he did in the past.  im still mad at him for what goes on in my head every day in my present.  that I punish another soul for his wrong doings.  I want to beat him for what my current lover goes through because of him.  I want to pull out my brain and cut out the memory of those years.  I want to find the time machine and go back and I want to keep walking the other way when he walked by me and handed me that fucking rose when i was a beautiful young woman walking down that street to the bar.  full of light and happiness.  full of color.  a gypsy soul.  the same gypsy that the bastard has tattooed on his arm with my name "estrella" under it with a star with my favorite colors in it.  every time i see that picture of me, that he took that I loved so much, i want to throw up.  I pray that his arm falls off so he can never see my face again.  boxes of letters and poems still haunt me.  music written for me, artwork on peoples walls of my body.  I just want to be normal.  no complications.  i am my own worse enemy...i know this

Cry

Today I just need to cry.  Im tired.  Everything is a disaster.  I do want to give up.  im one of those people.  when my soul is hurting, i just go away.  i dont like the attention, because i dont want to talk about it...to people.  i live such a pretend life to everyone i know these days.  its my job.  smile and look pretty.  im such a wreck inside that im pretty sure i would get sent away if anyone knew.  i cry alot.  when nobody is looking.  mostly in the shower.  its the only place i can be alone.  willow seems to be the only one that knows when ive been crying.  she will come sit behind me and put her hands on my back as if she is doing reiki or something.  I dont know what to make of it except that she is doing whatever feels natural to her as a way to console me.  but yet she has never seen me cry.  she just knows.  she is special.  i dont just say that bc she is mine.  people notice it.  i feel bad for her.  she has her mamas curse.  knowing things has never been easy.  to be honest, it sucks.  i wish i didnt.  i wish i was normal and could be blind to peoples deeds.  i wish i was like other girls that just wonder aimlessly in life, blissful and ignorant.  i wish magick wasnt in my veins so that i could be powerless with my own thoughts and feelings. only people that have no power feel that powerful thoughts and feelings are good.  they have to work towards it.   just to be normal would be serene.  staying silent is hard.  only the closest ones know.  i can name them on one hand.  My one friend thinks its a gift.  i tell her its not a gift.  MOST things, i dont want to know. but i cant stop it.  this is why i feel bad for Willow.  with the sweet comes the sour.  there is more sour.  and sometimes even the sweet turns into sour or sadness.  for example.  seeing a couple, her heart is madly in love with him, she blatently doesnt show it, acts cool calm and collected (most people probably think she is a bitch) but her heart is so pure to him.  explodes inside.  that is a happy sweet thing to know right!! wrong....he just cheated on her.  his hands are sweating and he keeps picking at a thread on his jeans bc he just left her and is nervous someone that saw him with her is going to now see him with his girlfriend.  when she finds out ( bc she will) most people will feel she deserves it.  but what they dont know is the death she will silently die a thousand times inside her.  nobody will ever know.  but me.  I get to know the truths.  this is why i came to the mountains, to escape to nature. its why i have always preferred living out in the middle of nowhere.  silence is divine.  not constantly experiencing (mentally) peoples "shit"  is like being able to breathe.  knowing too much in my relationships with people has become overwhelming.  when i have had boyfriends i have tried to make it like a game (its my way of coping) 'lets see how long he can keep this lie up'  'does he think i cant smell that'  'hahahahaha, that girl is NOT going to EVER do that with you'  'he really thinks i believe that he was in a meeting, then running errands, lets see how grand the lie is about the meeting' ....it has become a game for me.  my favorite is when they ask me why Im so silent. i cant believe what has just come out of someones mouth verses what really took place.   i just need a break. 

When

 Im still wondering "when"  When is it the time?  When are we allowed to have the happy ending?  When does the rollercoaster stop?  When am I allowed to be the one...to you?   when will this be enough.  when.  Im ready to go home.  wherever home may be.  hoping home will be wherever you are.  Ive hoped and prayed.  prayed to every God known.  begged for the silence to end.  waiting...patiently.   hoping its you.  wanting...it to be you.  Wanting this spell to end.  Missing the touch.  The kiss.  your exhale in my mouth, traveling to my bones and the fibers that make up my soul.  The sweet madness that makes up the spiral dance we knew.  When will it end and when will it begin.  This paradise circus~

late bliss

Its late, the rain is falling and i have fallen.  Reminiscing about the past years and the past few months...Life is....life.  Smiling gently when I think back on my past.  Discovering how I have finally come full circle on a past love.  A love that once upon a time shattered my very existence.  I am here now.  Divinely spinning like a wind chime under a flame.  brilliant and beautifully glowing from the hot wind spiraling below me.  I am not on fire and burning, but I am enjoying the heat.  Once before my soul thought it would never again experience the passion of a man of beautiful meaning and words.  A man that could make my soul fly with his missions and desires.  a soul that shines in bright colors.  a kiss that makes me unravel.  a feeling that unleashes the colors inside of me that i had long since forgotten.  I am awakened.  again.  

The Hedge Witch

I have been asked by many about my beliefs and my practice as a "witch" I am usually pretty secretive about them for a couple reasons. 1. I dont like to be defined.  Period.  I have always had a problem with label, titles, roles etc.  2.  I do not live in Ego.  although I am human and it is impossible to be without ego, i try my best not to allow it to consume me. 

 Over the years I have been asked by many to teach them.  I dont do this.  I am not a teacher.  I am a student for my entire life.  I will not stop learning until the day I leave this existence and I hope even beyond, I am still learning.  I will guide, advise, gather, help resolve, fix, repair, cast away, protect, give, share, stand by your side, show you the signs when they appear, grow, harvest, birth, bury, sacrifice, blood-let, bind and many many other acts of divination of the craft with believers.  But I do not crown myself a teacher by any means.  

What is a teacher anyways?  Someone that has gone to some fancy (expensive) school where someone who is supposedly qualified to show them the ropes? I do not believe in this nonsense.  You can not go to school to become certain things.  You either are or you arent.  it is in your soul or it is not.  Especially in terms of Magick.  I was not taught to be a witch.  I was born a witch.  I did not choose this path.  It chose me. Yes I have communed with other witches in the past.  Yes I have been part of a coven and yes I still commune with other witches to this day.  Commune is the key word.  We learn from each other.  we take what sparks in our soul and we gather these tidbits of information we pick up along the path and create our own stew of faith.  This is the way of the HedgeWitch.  

We are called by many names.  HedgeWitch, HedgeWalker, HedgeMystic, GreenWitch and Natural Witch.  Walkers of this path are very free spirits.  We do not follow rules, yet we have explicit morals, traditions, values and belief in the God and Goddess.  Most of this path follow a Shamanistic path.  We are walkers between the worlds as the term "Hedge" suggests.  Traditionally and historically throughout the world most villages were protected by a wall or hedge, tree line or man made structure of some sort.  The "enlightened one" usually lived just beyond that line.  They needed to be near the village, yet removed and somewhat isolated in order to commune with nature.  In our path nature is everything. We learn most of everything from word of mouth that has been passed down through others and communing DEEPLY with nature.  A Hedge Witch will learn most of her "work" through much time spent in solitude or with a small group of other witches in forests, woods, jungles, mountains, deserts etc.  We are deeply connected with animals and "signs"  We walk both worlds.  this is not something that can be learned.  You either possess this ability or you do not.  We are not psychics, although some do possess that ability, it is simply something that is in our soul.  We simply know these things.  Our spirit is connected with the ground and everything that comes from it.  

Hedge Walkers are outcasts even among other pagan paths, bc of their complete defiance in not being "followers" they are extreme free thinkers and will only accept something that speaks to their spirit.  In our spellcraft many of us do not use the common tools that other pagans or wiccans will use.  we do not buy our supplies.  everything comes from the earth we tread on and we return favors  or "trinkets" when we harvest.  we trade with other walkers and only in cases of not being able to find something we need will we then seek out to purchase supplies, but even in those cases hedgewalkers are extremely practical and will often find another item to substitute, or will try to create their own.  The reason for this is our desire for simplicity.  We crave living in sync with mother nature as much as possible.  We create our own staffs, athames, chalices etc.  

We are often seen as mysterious yet in full view.  this is also a skill that can not be learned.  36 years into this journey and i still have a hard time describing to people when i am told this, why it is they perceive me this way.  I have a very vague answer, so far (as would be true to my charater) I am full in my heart, meaning I am passionate about everything I do, believe in, love, and exist with.  Yet in order to continue to be that person, I must be able to sit still and in silence at times to observe the beauty that surrounds me.  My soul will only then connect with every breath surrounding me whether it be that of a person, animal, tree, waterfall or river.  My silence allows me to feel with my mind. And even in that description, only another walker between the worlds will understand this.  Hence the mysterious creatures we are coined as.  The clinical world likes to label us as "introverts" but quite the contrary, we are usually not self centered, we are simply connecting when we are silent.  When I sit with another soul, and let them talk and i sit silently and listen with not much to say, in my world something else is happening.  My soul is reaching into the other soul through their thoughts and words and we are dancing spiritually and linguistically.  We are connecting on a soul level through shared breathe and vibration of sound frequencies that my mind understands and speaks this rare silent language fluently.  Some view this as a very basic and primitive form of telepathic communication, that was in existence before language.  Others view it as an advanced form of soul communication that most humans have not "tapped into" yet.  Whichever way it is.  This is the language we speak.  We are natural healers bc we are open channels of energy.  our ability to seek within gives us the open spirit (heart) to allow a person to heal.  often just being in a walkers presence is "healing"  we do this without even knowing we are doing it most of the time.  when people tell me " I feel better after I talk to you"  my answer to that is this, when you are talking my soul is holding your heart and surrounding it with light and telling you everything is fine, you are beautiful and you are love.  It is that simple.  When you feel this in another person, you are in the presence of the Mystic of Nature, The Walker of the Hedgewall, and the Greenwitch.  You are safe ~

whisper

Random thoughts race some nights.  Ramblings that need desperately to be shouted across pen and paper,  yet still hide behind the ink.  Im afflicted... joyous, torn, put back together, broken apart, softly kissed and beaten down.  I am holding onto a spinning rope, and its on fire.  I am flying forward, yet running backwards.  I am going blind in a world full of his brightest colors.  Colors that make my heart sing.  Colors that have set me,my own sky, ablaze with my colorful stars swirling around the base of my neck, where his energy lives in my body.  protecting him from the silence of my soul. i keep his taste on my tongue.  our sweat and nectar pulse through each other.   It spins us into a single intertwined dance with words made of razors and roses, that have cut through the layers of my darkness, yet he holds back the light.  Casting me into silence and the whisper of these thoughts to my own heart~

Searching

As I enter into my late 30s, approaching the menacing "4s"  I am finding myself in this place of "searching"  I still havent figured out exactly what all this searching is about.  I just know i am in this space.  Some days are better than others.  I dont "feel" my age at all.  I still feel like Im 25.  This comes with pros and cons.  The pros are that I have more wisdom than I did back then.  The cons are that I have more wisdom than back then! There are days when I wish I hadn't experienced the typical pangs and heartaches that life has thrown at me, yet I feel blessed and honored that I have had the opportunities that life has bestowed upon me.  Without these "downfalls" i wouldnt be the person i have morphed into.  Yet Im still looking for that "delete" button on life.  I am quite honest and there are a few situations that I would love to just CTRL> ALT>DELETE on.  I wish I didnt know what sweet love can feel like.  At times the longing to experience that again with a kindred spirit, where words are not necessary to understand that somewhere along the twisted line we walk side by side, ebbing and flowing into this renegade journey of change and "making" the world a better place.  More so, causing fire in people to change and fight for what is right in humanity.  I have discovered with my travels and from holding community with people of other nations, that life here in the states really isnt so bad. Yet we continually complain about all we lack.  Truth be told we dont really lack anything in this country.  we are so blessed beyond our perception of what life should be that we get caught up in this make believe fairytale existence.   We are so blessed we dont even know it.  If we do indeed 'Lack' in this country, the only thing lacking is in our ability to look at real issues.  We lack here in community.  we dont gather anymore.  we dont know our neighbors.  we dont take time to say hello to strangers anymore.  we dont speak our minds.  we dont help each other.  we are too busy Facebooking about trivial word vomit.  too concerned with whats going on in celebrity news that we forget about what is going on in the world surrounding us and even closer, we dont take the time to understand the separation going on in our own communities and neighborhoods.  Why is it if you are friendly in your town or city, people think you are crazy or want something.  How have we become so distant from each other? when did this take place?  when did simple gestures, like saying "hello" to a passing stranger become strange?  who made up this 'new' rule.  Why cant we just be?  Why cant we just accept each other, care about what happens and vow to help each other out when the shit starts going down?  How do we avoid becoming so jaded, when there is so much that is beautiful surrounding us and so much that is worth everything. 

Even in my own misconstrued rants about my lack of love and communion with another kindred soul, i am starting to realize that its all a bunch of BS.  Why cant I just be happy and exist in this paradise without feeling emotionally insignificant.  Why do i allow that pain that comes haunting me when the world is quiet to affect me so much.  Why do i have this longing and sadness when in a "moment" that I wish someone was there to experience that feeling with me?  even with this knowledge I still struggle in this battle of life and love to find and experience that soul.  To walk all those final miles with someone that can just be there.  No expectations, we just exist to each other in such a profound way that words are not needed to understand.  we just flow on this wave of existence into whatever awaits at the end or beginning~

Let it Rain

The rain has been falling all day.  There is nothing in the world like the feel of rain running down your body.  Some of my best times have been had in the sweet rain.  I have made sure my entire life to get out in the rain as much as possible.  When I use to run, my favorite time to do it was in the rain.  Ive hiked, danced, gardened, climbed waterfalls, swam in lakes, made love, played and just about anything else you can think of, ive done in the rain.  I can recall an experience many years ago, when an ex made dinner and we ate outside, and it started raining.  both of us being free spirited, didnt even think twice, we laughed, fed each other, kissed and drank wine on top of the picnic table in the rain. 

When I moved here I didnt work for almost the first year.  I had saved up enough money and made enough money off my business to breath for a little while.  That was the best 9 months.  I got to experience the entire spring and summer in these temperate mountains.  I went to every festival, concert and event.  That was a particularly rainy spring and summer. I fell head over heels in love with this town and the people here during one of the many festivals. In most places when you go to a concert or festival, everyone runs if it rains.  Not here in the mountains.  This particular festival was one where it lasts 3 days and you can camp out.  We did. they have trance and drumming almost all nite or until everyone passes out. It was pouring rain.  and the trance was playing.  There were bodies everywhere dancing in the nite, with rain falling on everyone.  we were covered in leaves, dirt, laughter and excitement.  Im pretty sure Ive never danced that close with complete strangers (as i was still very new to asheville) completely soaked in rain and the woods and felt this wild tribal instinct.  I felt so connected.  Pagans often worship in the rain.  So celebrating into the nite honoring the rain was something that use to be primal tradition.  I got to experience that here.  In the magickal vortex of these mountains.  Dancing and making love in between these ley lines and feeling the earth come alive under your feet and body. Yes I love the rain.  and Yes I love the magick of the rain in these mountains~

Lost in all that is Found

There are days when everything in your existence aches.  Every thought, touch, memory, smell, taste.  Not in a sadness, but in a longing.  When what your soul craves stands on the other side of a veil. You can see it, feel it, smell it and almost hold it.  Yet this thin reality flows  between 2 worlds, bringing a haunting visceral fire of want vs need.  An antagonizing torment of knowing vs wishing. When your mind knows better, but your heart spins recklessly and your soul soars overhead watching the battle unleash between the "want vs need" only the soul knows which beast it will swoop down upon and consume into this paradise circus. 

At some point you recognize and accept who you are deep in the chambers that we lock ourselves up in.  Once in a lifetime someone comes along that forces you out of that chamber.  They speak the story you wrote...they dont even know it.  There are nites I go back over and read the past 20 yrs of my life.  The intoxicated rantings over loss, the muses of 3 a.m. desire and need.  the memories of razor blades dripping with heartache, empty bottles of wine and whiskey shattering with screams.  standing on the edge watching below while your mind is floating in the ethers of substance abuse.  I remember an instance where i stood dangling onto the edge of a bridge in Port Everglades, hanging on behind me to cables.  My hair was long then.  Wild.  I remember the feeling of the ocean air whipping my hair.  I sat there for 2 hours experiencing every twist and turn of my "high" laughing and wondering if that was what love felt like.  I was so free then.  Dancing carelessly under those grafitti bridges in the middle of the nite.  Carelessly floating in complete bliss through taboos.  Experiencing things in life that people look down on.  Being free.  I laughed, i sang, i made love like a temptress, i played with fire, i was fire.  I made art, i wrote.  I wrote messages all over my city under those bridges.  My musings of desire and passion and what i wanted love to be.  I broke into abandoned buildings and painted swirls of stars all over walls.  I was me.  Unfiltered.  Uncensored.  I made no apologizies.  I didnt have to.  I was accepted. "Love" found me.  I ran.  I ran like violent wind ripping through trees.  I eventually gave way to allowing.  I was the queen of our obscure world.  The beautiful Muse.  Déesse Noire.  Handed everything on bended knee and bowed head.  we worshipped into the night.  Soared into the stars.  Then...i was cast from my own heaven.  forced to walk into hell and face truths.  Truths that were spoken to me like a foreign language.  Unthinkable betrayal discovered.  It was too hard for me to accept what had come to the surface.  So i became numb.  i went deep.  hid in those chambers in the darkness of my nite.  Lamenting my loss of forever...

Many years have passed since those days. Numbness has become longing.  To my surprise my fires grew stronger.  The feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the nite like a ghost in your room, telling you to run free again under the moonlight.  Soar again to the stars, make love again like a wild animal, dance, celebrate your body, soul, and senses.  find your passion, become your art, experience the substance, write your soul. Allow. Again~

Missing Home Ramblings

Tonite has been difficult.  I am missing home with a fierceness.  I always get sad this time of year.  I dont have the "core" of friends and loved ones here that I have back home.  Some days I contemplate just packing up Willow and myself and leaving.  Things are so different here.  Ive never really acclamated to it.  I love Asheville.  Asheville is home now but its still different.  I was raised around so much culture. I lived in a melting pot in SE Florida.  It always boggles my mind when people say they love Asheville because it has so much diversity.  Really??? Now I suppose depending on your definition of diversity, maybe..Asheville is not diverse people! Eclectic, yes.  Otherwise its just a bunch of weird white people running around.  Which is all good! Thats what we love about our city, but as far as culture goes, you could fit it in one hand. I miss my old neighborhood.  I miss the food, music, the openess of people, the crazy shit that is the norm. I havent had real Cuban, ethiopian, korean, el salvadorian, peruvian or island food since I left home (aside from when I go back home to visit) I miss the diversity of my friends.  Every race, ethnicity, sexual preference, social status, religious preference etc.  we just all melded together.  No cliques or people that are all just like each other.  People get crazy here from time to time about only socializing with like-minded people.  Dont get me wrong I want to keep good company, but good company can be found in any "clique" of people.  I dont understand why people dont mix better here.  Im not sure if I ever will get use to this.  I completely cant get use to the way people socialize here.  AT ALL.  I like to go out and have drinks at bars just like most people, but I would much rather have people over for drinks.  People dont do that here.  Everybody meets at bars or restaurants.  Nobody hangs out in the neighborhood on the porch here??  Whats wrong with these people?? People dont get together and cook dinners or BBQ or anything.  Nothing.  If they do its for an occassion and even that is rare.  I crave that.  And yes I do go out, if i didnt I would have no social life at all.  I think next year I might just boycott all bars and stay home! Besides Im the best bartender I know! Mostly I miss the absolute random and beauty of all my diverse friends.  Our get togethers, several nites a week.  consuming way to many bottles of wine, dancing in the kitchen, while cooking and just being complete goofballs.  My bestfriend and I waltzing in the kitchen, bc nobody else could waltz or spin like we could.  dancing on the kitchen table to The Cure, Joy Division, Flaming Lips, New Order,  Depeche Mode etc.  The annual neighborhood/block Halloween party, Christmas, New Years, too many absolutely ridiculous 4th of July parties, so many birthday parties i lost count and the all random gatherings every week, for anything we could think of to just be a community. All the kids (because everyone had kids accept me and 2 others) running around playing and having a great time. life just was...as it should be.   Yes, I miss home.  Thank Goddess its only a 10 hr drive away and I have perfected the skill of doing it straight thru overnight without stopping and making it home just in time to sit on the sand on the beach and feel the cool salty morning air whip through my hair and watch the sunrise. Time for a roadtrip~

Crash Into...Me...and You

Reckless...to my heart.  Crash.  It was there.  Like lightning bringing fire.  I wore my soul naked in front of you.  Exposed.  In front of the entire hidden world that never saw us. Crash. On fire.  Burn.  and Explode. Turn into dust. Stardust that haunts our senses every time our potion and essence pass through the ether's surrounding each other.  Spinning off purple sparks of sensations wicked memory.  And I explode.  again.  Into you.  and you into me. 

And that pretty accurately describes exactly what I'm dealing with tonite in a very cryptic and veiled explanation.  Elusive to all accept the most unlikely creature....

Hearts and thoughts

So tomorrow marks 7 yrs in the struggle to get me back.  6 years since I gave up the downward spiral.  6 years ago I woke up after a binge of partying my ass off on Halloween night and decided i was done destroying myself.  I went out with my best friend and we drank (among many other things that night) ourselves into oblivion. I was passed out facedown in the doorway of her front porch.   I was so sick with the combination of "other things" and alcohol that I slept for almost 24 hrs.  Being sober after that much intoxication was "Sobering"  Her and I were both spinning recklessly over love lost.  Both of us mourning our ex fiances.  We ran into both of them on the same nite in the same bar...unfriggingbelievable!  Exactly one year after mine left me.  Im not sure what combination of drugs we got ahold of that night but I remember almost crashing the car(not only because i was ridiculously drunk but) because we were looking for her ex fiance in her purse...drugs...On our street on her front porch later the next day I decided I was done.  Not that I ever stopped partying, but I was done destroying myself.  I bid farewell to the devil that was chasing me.  not just the drug, but the man.  And like I've said before, some days there still isnt enough whiskey or wine to chase the demons away, but I still keep going and dont turn back.  Do I miss it? Yes sometimes, the man and the drug...mostly what Ive missed in all of it is ME.  I miss the way I was so carefree and happy.  I miss my gypsy spirit.  Today reminded me that even though I lost so much back then, Im still her.  While working today I had a wonderful client.  We sat after her treatment for awhile and talked, after she hugged me so tight and looked me in the eye and said, "your such a beautiful gypsy soul" I wondered if she had intuitivly picked up the struggle that has been going on in my mind  for the past couple weeks.  The past 2 weeks of my life had been so crazy with drama I cant even verbalize it.  Like Ive also said before, the shit that happens in my life only happens in books or tv shows!  But that is another blog altogether. All I can say is Im glad I dont always update my facebook page and people dont always know where ive moved to or where Im now employed.  Thank the Goddess.  all i can do is keep trying to get me back and keep staying focused.  As fucked up as my life is, I have bloomed into such a beautiful woman in comparison to the ramshackled life I had 7 years ago.  I just need to love me ~

Happy Samhain

Today is Samhain or as most people know it Halloween.  I feel like shit.  Its a special one because its my little fairy beans first Samhain.  Im not a very good mom right now.  I am lost somewhere and I just cant.  Im sad.  Im not dressing her up and taking her out for her first one so Im pretty sure I have officially qualified for worst mom of the year award.  I just cant do it.  I dont want to see or talk to anyone.  I have deleted everything from my facebook, I turned my phone off and I just dont want to respond to anybody in the outside world.  I just want to go away.  I want to pack up a bag and leave.  start fresh.  I have decided that when my lease is up in April, I am doing one of 2 things.  Im either moving to an undisclosed location or Im leaving Asheville.  Ive checked into a few options w my spa.  because Crowne Plaza is international I can go just about anywhere.  I think its time.  I have worn out the welcome mat in this town.  Ive pretty much accepted that I might be alone the rest of my life.  Im not fine with this, but im not fine with almost anything in my life.  this town has just brought me nothing but sadness and solitude.  Maybe that is the way its suppose to be, I dont know.  If I stay in Asheville, Im moving either back to Madison County or im going to look for a home in Fairview/Gerton area.  Gerton is always where I have wanted to live. I just like it there.  I have to now wait 2 more years to buy something, so I will focus on renting.  I need the perfect spot.  I wont accept anything less than that now.  The rest of my life is so fucked up, I need to atleast have something to look forward to and my dream home is a good place to start.  Right now Im just extremely pissed off at the universe.  I know there is a reason all this shitstorm is happening but right now I dont give a fuck.  Im sick of it.  I live a good life.  I do good things for people all day and everyday.  I have given my all in love and friendships.  In return I get shit.  I meditate and manifest that good things will happen and nothing.  So Ive decided to just surrender to it.  I dont have the energy or the years left in me to wish for things.  

Sometimes I feel theres a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn.I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean. And the moon tonite, theres a circle around it. A sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each nite wanting. But still sometimes when the wind is warm and the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.  I just want someone to love me.  i want to be seen.  I dont know, maybe Ive had my happiness, I dont want to believe it, but there is no man, only that moon~

Let it Snow!

Winter is fast approaching in these mountains.  Its only the end of October and already we are preparing for the first snowstorm of the season and apparently its going to be a big one. this reminds of our winter 4 years ago when our first snowfall was right before Halloween.  That was a bad winter.  The snowstorms that year did not let up at all.  I still had my mustang then and nothing teaches you how to be a good snow driver quite like owning a rear wheel drive V8 sports car in the windy snowy, icey, steep mountain roads in a state that has little to no budget for snow removal.  after that winter I sold my mustang and bought a much more practical AWD truck with snow tires! Thank the Goddess i had sense in my head bc for the next winter I moved out to rural Madison County into a remote area not far from the TN border that has a reputation for being one of the snowiest areas of these mountains.  Living out there prepared me for whatever is to come.  Being in such a remote area pushed me to my limits of solitude.  One of my closest friends lived out there also and after 2 bad winters being out in those mountains we were both pushed over the edge and left.  both of us live in rural mountainous areas still but they arent nearly as bad as where we were.  This will be my first winter in the Green River area.  I have never lived this far south in the mountains.  but Im told by all the locals here not to underestimate the fact that its south.  We sit at the top of the high peaks of the gorge and this pocket gets alot of snow from the precipitation further south of us and the cold air pushing up the gorge from the West.  We also get the worst ice storms that the area sees bc of it.  More so further south into Saluda and Tryon area, but this area sees its share of ice storms as well and can often be difficult to navigate when mixing the ice storms with the snow pushing from the west.  Im just glad that i live at the top of the Gorge and not the bottom.  If I had to drive up the icey Saluda incline everyday into Asheville I would be a wreck.  I remember the horror stories from the first couple winters I lived here about all the times that there was no coming up or leaving the mountains because the Saluda incline was closed down due to horrible accidents where cars were flipped and 18 wheelers were jack knifed  almost everyday because of the ice coming up the gorge.  I dont know what to expect.  im use to the snow of Madison county and havent had alot of experience with heavy ice.  Its much easier to drive on snow than ice.  Actually its almost impossible to drive on ice.  Even with chains on your tires, its still difficult.  I learned that in Madison Co also.  everyday I had to drive into Asheville which was about 40 miles south east of me and I would hit horrible iced over areas in between the mountain gaps of Newfound watershed going from buncombe co. into Madison.  I have had my share of sliding off the road into ditches, peoples mailboxes, a couple trees etc.  Luckily I never went into any of the deep ravines, but I had on more than one occassion had the sense in my head to turn around and head back to asheville because conditions on the road were impassable and I was scared i was going to go into the ravines.  I have driven in a handful of blizzards out there in zero visibility in several inches to feet of snow and even had to walk home in one when even my truck couldnt push any further in snow that was deeper than my knees that hadnt hard packed yet.  driving in fresh powder snow is the worst! I can drive on hard packed snow all day.  No problem.  but man i hate that powdery shit! its pretty to look at when your sitting at home looking out the window, sipping tea and staying warm by the woodstove.  but it sure as hell aint fun when you are driving in it late at nite and cant tell where you are going bc everything looks the same bc its so fresh and there are no tire tracks.  Im pissed this year bc my goal with this being Willows first winter and with the farmers almanac which predicted a bad one was to save up enough money to take off work from Christmas until March.  I had just reached my goal of having enough money for that when I found myself unemployed in September.....I had to use just about all of my money from savings to hold me over until i found work again.  Now I have to work through winter.  Im not happy about this.  Im sure that there must be some sort of silver lining to this story, but I have yet to find it and will surely be cursing to the bowels of hell my former employer when I am stuck on I26 for hours on end in every winter storm that rolls through these mountains this winter.  So in complete uncertainty and having no cushion anymore to hold me over, I begin my push through what is going to possibly be one of the worst winters NC has seen in many years, and my first winter as a single mama.  Lifes challenges are not always what you wanted but I try to remain positive and have faith in myself that I can do anything and the universe knows what she is doing for me~

NO just fucking NO

and there it is...just when Im starting to get back to me. Just when I think its finally over and we can both move on because its been 7 years since us! You show up like a thief in the nite.  Go away.  Im not here anymore.  you should know, you took her away. now go away

 I hope I haunt you every day of your life.  I hope everytime you look down at your arm and see my face and my name and my star with my favorite color, you want to rip your skin off.  I hope everytime you see a woman with freckles, your fingers go numb thinking about how you loved the freckles on my lip and use to run your fingers over them.  I hope everytime you see a star, your tortured about how you will never see your favorite little tiny red star on the back of my shoulder again.  NEVER EVER AGAIN.  I hope you remember my eyes forever and the way you use to say they were like red amber honey.  I hope you will never forget the way they were filled with tears and how you said that look will always haunt you.  Im glad it does.  I hope you still can feel the way that I wrapped myself around you when I hugged you.  I hope you miss my hair and the way it smelled like "the Goddess" as you called it.   I hope the fact that I had a baby after you denied me everything when you promised me anything my soul wanted.   I hope it keeps you up at nite. I also hope my words that " I will never come back to you", after you begged me, sobbing to come back that it was the worse mistake you ever made.  Im glad it replays in your mind over and over.   Maybe now you will understand, the smallest fraction of what you stole from me.   That free spirited gypsy soul.  The artist.  The girl that laughed all the time and opened up to people and was "free like the wind" in your words. The most beautiful girl you ever met in your life, as you use to tell people.  The girl that sang and smiled and believed in people and had no fear.  That girl that I have worked so hard to get back for 7 years! 7 fucking years! You will never have her again.  You dont deserve her.  You shattered my existence and I have worked too hard to regain that existence.  I will love like that again.  I will love better than that.  More intense.  More love.  More trust.  Promises that wont be broken. Youve had me, but you will never have that again, because that girl doesnt exist anymore.  I am better than that now.  I am a woman now, that even still steeped with fear and doubt most days, I know I am worth every star in the sky.   I know my soul is true.  I know my heart is real because it has been smashed and rebuilt.  I am stronger now than you ever knew.  You prepared me for my future.  You forced me to dig deeper into my soul than I knew existed.  You taught me how to get up and fight for what I believe in, even if it takes forever to find true love.  I have found it in myself. I now have the ability to love truly. If you wouldnt have shattered me, I wouldnt be the amazing woman that I am today.  The amazing woman that will one day love again.  And they will deserve the love that I have worked so hard to turn into something extraordinary.  There will be no hurt, no pain because I have replaced hurt and pain in my life with love.  It does not exist for me any longer.  So in the end, Thank you for spiraling me helplessly and completely out of control into my future and all that is in my destiny.  ~Estrella

traveling to another dimension

You told me once this is where I could find you.  Im there.  Its a place where everyone is safe.  Nobody can be hurt.  There are no expectations.  Just 2 people learning and experiencing.  This is where everything is beautiful under that Milky Way and our dreams~

Continuing the Dream

Today I drove through one of my favorite areas.  its an area around black mountain and bat cave off Highway 9.  this is one of my favorite drives.  Ive always loved that area.  Especially around Broad River.  A couple weeks ago I took this drive and finally drove up this road Shumont Rd that I have been meaning to drive up for years and never have.  There are a couple properties up there that I had been meaning to check out and I finally did.  Amazing.  I found a beautiful cascade along the way and an abandoned house right beyond it.  I am going to look up county records to see what comes up.  It is a perfect little spot.  Aside from my house in Gerton that I didnt jump on 3 years ago when it was for sale, all because of a man telling me he wasnt living way the fuck up there....I am thoroughly enjoying nobody telling me what I can and cant do anymore. Never again will I allow someone to dictate what I want to do, especially if I am the one paying the mortgage! Live and learn...   I always drive by that one too just to check if it is back on the market. I am creating a vision board to set the focus and intention back to a physical goal and not just a dream.  I have been starting alot of things (again) lately.  I have started making time for meditation again.  This is something that I have missed terribly.  I am discovering being a single mom is not as hard as I was making it.  I just had to be more organized.  I have been making alot more time for me and have been learning that its ok to be a mom and take my daughter places when I meet people out.  I am lucky because she is such a good baby and never cries or gets out of control.  She is actually quite enjoyable and happy all the time.  Happy baby, happy mama :) So I might as well take advantage.  My daughter is my life.  I will be doing yoga again soon.  Its been many years since I did yoga and Im really nervous about my limitations now.  I was really good at it years ago.  A good friend of mine is an amazing yoga teacher and she is such a good soul.  We are going to do private sessions.  She offered it to me a couple months ago, but then with all the junk of being unemployed I wasnt able to do it.  Now Im able to again and I am ready! Im looking forward to yoga and girl time with Jessica :) I have also been treating myself to my favorite coffee house World Coffee alot lately.  Its something I use to do.  Another one of my me time things.  I use to go there and write.  Its a great coffee house.  They have awesome brew and play great music.  I always liked it because its off the main drag.  Not as many hipsters which makes it alot more enjoyable.  So the past week for me has really been about just enjoying life again, making new friends, reconnecting with all my old ones, taking in all the beautiful weather and staying true to me~

Never

“There will never come a time when I will be able to resist my emotions.” 
― Louise Erdrich, Tales of Burning Love

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

These Quotes speak volumes to me.  I love when there is another human that sees things in this way.  Life can be disappointing that way.  I have always been a believer in love.  No matter how many times I have been kicked down, broken, shattered, lied to, cheated on, abused, neglected, abandoned.  We all have.  Its just the way it goes.  It still never stopped me from continuing on and finding it again. I have never said the words "never again" rather everytime it ends and I have time to catch my breath and let the smoke clear the room, Ive always said "I cant wait to feel again"  Im such an oddity in the human race anymore.  People are so jaded.  So hurt, scared, fearing, callused.  They run from every emotion and hide from every bit of feeling that can become them.  People are so scared to be figured out.  Scared that they wont be the ones in control anymore.  I hate being in control.  I welcome spinning aimlessly.   To me its the same feeling as getting high and dancing.  Its the best feeling in the world.  When your mind can be free and your body follows suit and moves with every beat, rhythm and the energy and doesnt think about the pain that comes tomorrow or what you may look like as you enter into total freedom and instead  you just close your eyes and explode into waves of pulsating bliss. That is the dance of love ~