Happy Samhain

Today is Samhain or as most people know it Halloween.  I feel like shit.  Its a special one because its my little fairy beans first Samhain.  Im not a very good mom right now.  I am lost somewhere and I just cant.  Im sad.  Im not dressing her up and taking her out for her first one so Im pretty sure I have officially qualified for worst mom of the year award.  I just cant do it.  I dont want to see or talk to anyone.  I have deleted everything from my facebook, I turned my phone off and I just dont want to respond to anybody in the outside world.  I just want to go away.  I want to pack up a bag and leave.  start fresh.  I have decided that when my lease is up in April, I am doing one of 2 things.  Im either moving to an undisclosed location or Im leaving Asheville.  Ive checked into a few options w my spa.  because Crowne Plaza is international I can go just about anywhere.  I think its time.  I have worn out the welcome mat in this town.  Ive pretty much accepted that I might be alone the rest of my life.  Im not fine with this, but im not fine with almost anything in my life.  this town has just brought me nothing but sadness and solitude.  Maybe that is the way its suppose to be, I dont know.  If I stay in Asheville, Im moving either back to Madison County or im going to look for a home in Fairview/Gerton area.  Gerton is always where I have wanted to live. I just like it there.  I have to now wait 2 more years to buy something, so I will focus on renting.  I need the perfect spot.  I wont accept anything less than that now.  The rest of my life is so fucked up, I need to atleast have something to look forward to and my dream home is a good place to start.  Right now Im just extremely pissed off at the universe.  I know there is a reason all this shitstorm is happening but right now I dont give a fuck.  Im sick of it.  I live a good life.  I do good things for people all day and everyday.  I have given my all in love and friendships.  In return I get shit.  I meditate and manifest that good things will happen and nothing.  So Ive decided to just surrender to it.  I dont have the energy or the years left in me to wish for things.  

Sometimes I feel theres a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn.I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean. And the moon tonite, theres a circle around it. A sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each nite wanting. But still sometimes when the wind is warm and the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.  I just want someone to love me.  i want to be seen.  I dont know, maybe Ive had my happiness, I dont want to believe it, but there is no man, only that moon~