Stupid Love Musings

So much has been happening in my mind lately.  Ive taken a break from all of my social crap.  Including social media.  It doesnt really matter as not many people catch up with me anymore.  I even have decided to take a break from my phone.  I dont even know how honest I can be on here anymore just because I dont know who reads this or if anyone even does at all.  Dating in this town is horrible and I honestly care not to be in a relationship anymore, ever.  Thats really not the truth, its a complete farce, but I just cant do it anymore.  I put myself out there about a month ago and this town has already worn me down.  Out of more men than I want to admit, I meet one nice, sweet one and he is "unavailable"  Not that I was told that, but its obvious.  i was always taught that when someone is interested they will make time.  I am impeccable with making time for everything.  Time for work, home, family, friends, love, fun.  My life is complete insanity.  Im a fucking single mom to a 9 month old.  I have no help except my mom during the days when I work.  She has her own life and the rest of the time Im on my own.  I get no help from her father, not even financially.  i dont have joint custody, my daughter is with me 24-7.  Yet I still find time, to keep up with my "responsible" mom agenda and my social life and I still write all the time and do my art.  I still get out in the woods and wander and commune with the forest, dabble in my photography and somewhere in there, every once in a while I even get exercise in! There are times when I jump out of bed at 6 am and start running like a maniac and dont stop until midnite.  And somehow I still have this complete masochistic urge to throw myself into love and a relationship and would be willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.  Why? I cant even answer that.  I have no fucking clue.  I mean I have plenty of ideas why I want it, but I have no idea why I want to torture myself with games.  Im too fucking old for this shit.  Im not 25 and playing the field.  are you kidding me, I own the fucking field.  I have ran up and down that field more times than anyone should honestly admit to.  Im just done.  Yet I still want....Anyone would tell me I should be happy.  I have "everything"  most people want.  Ive been successful, traveled to alot of places, seen some pretty amazing shit and have experienced things that sometimes I still dont believe they really happened and often try to convince myself that it must have been some sort of hallucination!  I have a beautiful daughter.  Im doing something that I want to do for a living and Im pretty successful at it. I help people all day and I get paid to do it.  Why on earth would I want to mess up my flow with a relationship???  Most women that have accomplished this much on their own, with no thanks to be given to anyone except myself and all the hardwork I put in to be in this position, would just enjoy the moment and have many "friends"   and all I want is to come home and fall into the arms of someone that gives a shit.  All I want is someone that understands how fucking hard I work at this shit called "my life"  and gets it.  I dont ask for money, I have my own money.  I dont ask for somebody to give me some ellaborate life, like most women want.  I can and have and will again build my own life.  I just ask for someone to be part of that.  Why is that so fucking hard??  What is it? Is it because Im not a fucking princess?  Is it because I can do for myself? Is it because I dont need a man to "do" for me?  Well guess what, the truth is I do need someone to "do" for me.  I need someone to care. And someone that wants to be there. and its not just a need anymore, I want it.