Late Night, Art and Insomnia

Its no shock to alot of you that have known me for awhile that I dont require alot of sleep.  Ive always been this way.  When I was a child I would stay up all nite at my desk in my room writing notes to friends, drawing pictures, reading books etc.  My mom would wake up in the middle of the nite and tell me I had to go to bed and get some sleep cause I had to get up for school in a couple hours. In my teens I would stay up all nite writing poetry and painting.  In my 20s, I would either stay up all nite at a bar, writing, painting or i would have my friends over and we would drink coffee and stay up all nite talking philosophy, religion and saving the world.  We would drive out into the middle of nowhere sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning and star gaze, skinny dip, go on spontaneous road trips decided at 10 at nite and drive all nite to greet the sun in another state.  Ive always been a nite owl. Recently I have really been wanting to get back into my art.  It amazes me that over 4 yrs ago I moved to Asheville bc I wanted to do my art (amongst a million other reasons) all I wanted was to have my piece of land with a little house and a view, with woods and I wanted to build a detached cabin/art studio.  I wanted to live this peaceful quite life.  I wanted to be able to get up early in the morning and have my coffee on a porch with a view and stumble over to my studio, smoke some green and do my art. I wanted to have a little spa job with no real responsibility except my clients, no managment shit or any crap like that.  I wanted to expand my career in healing arts and share what Ive learned over the past 15 yrs of healing with everyone.  I can blame so much on so many things but honestly its just a waste of time.  I have learned over the past year about taking responsibility for my own shit.  Being in a relationship for years where everything that went wrong, I was always blamed.  Somehow it was my fault, no matter what the circumstances.  It was always the biggest fights.  I finally at some point realized that I was done being a doormat and I would always say "take responsibility for your own shit and part in it"  So for me to blame anyone other than myself right now would be against my own advice and I am certainly not a victim.  I have always gotten up, dusted off my knees and carried on.  There is no other way to live.  Right now, as much as I want certain things in my life and I would certainly welcome it, I am just working on me.  Getting back to me.  Remembering me.  Trying to be more spontaneous and less calculated.  I use to be so free.  Now my whole life is like a damn day planner.  I hate this shit.  I understand having a job and now Im a mom which adds a completely different element to my life that I never thought would happen.  I never thought I would have a baby.  Even though i always wanted one (or 3) i just never planned on it.  Ive never been with a guy that wanted kids.  It wasnt in the plan...Thank Goddess that plan flew out the window cause I was damn tired of living what someone else wanted and not me.  And no, its not an ideal situation.  No Im not a model mom.  Yes I fuck up.  Yes I drink too much, smoke too many cigarettes and dont get enough sleep.  Will I ever go to a PTA meeting...probably not.  Will my child ever see me hungover...YEP...Will I still go out and get drunk and go to friends houses and dance around bonfires...YEP...will she be exposed to it...YEP...so NO im not the ideal mom, but I am the REAL mom.  I will be that mom that all the other moms hate and secretly wish they had the balls to be just like me, and Im ok with that.  I dont want my girl growing up thinking she has to fit this fucked up image of what society brands her as.  She can do whatever the fuck she wants.  So my goal in all this is just getting back to me.  I am definitely thinking of revisting my 20s with my art.  I will always be true to my low brow art scene.  its in my roots, but the difference in my then and now, is back then I was too rebellious.  I got so mad with the politics of art.  Now, i just dont give a fuck.  I am what I am, I do what I do.  If you like it great, if not oh well.  The 30s are fabulous for not giving a fuck what people think of you anymore! I dont have to bend and stretch to fit anyone's mold.   So in a way I suppose I am still a rebel, I just dont care if Im not accepted anymore.  On the contrary I quite enjoy being the loner.  I do great in big crowds as I have a lifetime in customer service so I know how to work a room, but when it comes to the real me, Im a one on one person or a loner.  I like the intimate space in between.  I like being able to focus on someone and what we are talking about.  I hate having to divide my attention span up amongst a crowd all the time.  In large crowds, I usually get really quiet, and end up drinking way too much in an effort to not look like Im being too quiet.  So heres to a future of continuing to be me and be quietly rebellious and completely unconventional in a way that only I can pull off! Now Im off to start a new painting at 2 am!